Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Venables hits out

Bless El Tel for standing up for us with regards to Berbatov and the fulfilment of his United dream, spitting out a tirade of criticism at the sulky Bulgarian.

Greedy. Selfish. Poisonous.

Words that could be used to describe our chairman.

Players, in modern day football, are more important than any club outside the Top 4. Maybe, just maybe, one day, a club like Spurs will sign a player like Berbatov, and a team like Utd will attempt to buy him. And that player will say no, and honour his contract – resulting with the team prospering.

Now that’s fantasy football.


I do not have time for Sol Campbell. In any shape or form. Apart from this blog entry. Everyone knows what type of person he is – in a football sense, relating to loyalty and honour. He lied, and lied and lied. Then left. And then had the audacity to believe he did nothing wrong. All this from the self-named Mr Tottenham.

Let’s not go over old ground. He did what he did. Football fans don’t tend to forget. And although the abuse the likes of Lampard gets from West Ham fans is more tongue in cheek, believe it or not – Spurs fans sing what they do because they know it annoys the hell out of Campbell. I’ve seen more venom for the Chelsea players than I’ve seen for this man.

I don’t think the lunacy song that is sang is particularly clever. It’s distasteful and without any class. It’s not racist. To suggest it is because of the word ‘hanging’ (yeah, I’m aware of its historical context with regards to lynching) is trying to make this an altogether bigger deal than it is. But I do agree it’s an embarrassment of a chant sang by a minority. Much like the Adebayor song, which is, by the way, is racist. Even Ian Wright (Arsenal legend) said that all the abuse Campbell gets is directly because of the impact of the decision he made when he left White Hart Lane.

The Lunacy song is far from new. It’s just been updated to cover off a couple of things about his personal life. The colour of his skin has nothing to do with anything. To suggest so is just as bad as the song itself.

The homophobic chants are the main crux of the issue here. For the record, homophobic chants are common place in football. I don’t condone them, but let’s not lie to each other. It happens. And singing ‘Does your boyfriend know your here?’ to Brighton fans, raises a laugh with everyone, even though technically, it’s homophobic. But there’s a difference between that chant and one wishing AIDS on someone. Again, Liverpool and Utd are infamous for one or two chants also. The football terrace is the birthplace of many amusing songs and songs of bad taste.

I think we do ourselves injustice by singing this particular one.

Now maybe, Spurs fans think that if they stopped chanting, then Campbell might think this is in some way forgiveness. I personally think, be done with it, and ignore him.

But if any Lilywhite out there wants to scream and shout at him, I won’t be raising an eyebrow. But stick with ‘Judas’. It has a certain ring about it.

101 things I never want to see again

Number #1

Ekotto & Gilberto: Our left-wing dynamos.


Ramos speaks (via a ghost writer)

Official site posted an interview with Ramos the other day. Help calm us down was the point of the piece, I'm sure. Here it is, with some comments from myself.

The interview (click on the link above if you want to see it on the Spurs site) has the heading 'Its down to us'. Hmm. Some one over at THFC HQ is a genius.

Q) What is your opinion on our start to the season and the position we find ourselves in?

A) Juande Ramos: We had such a good pre-season, we played well, we were confident but now we've started the season with disappointing scorelines and it's a situation we need to change quickly.

After every match we need to change quickly. But we appear to be quickly doing nothing about it. It’s the same performance replayed for our unified misery. Players performing well in pre-season simply means that mentality they can swagger around the pitch in nothing games, but do nothing in games that actually matter. The mental strength of that Carling Cup run has never materialised in the league. Why?

Q) How do you feel when people tell you it is the worst start Spurs have made for 53 years?

A) JR: I don't like it and we have to work hard to change the situation and myself, the coaches and the players are prepared to do that.

To dare is to do, right? Well, how about stepping up? There’s this argument, that no matter the standard of players, if effort and spirit is evident in abundance they can overcome better teams. It’s what happens in giant killing moments in Cup football. Or when smaller unfancied teams turn over the likes of Utd. So surely, Spurs, a team of players earning staggering amounts in wages – surely on any given Saturday or Sunday they can play their hearts out. Because if they did, we wouldn’t mind so much if we kept losing.

Well, we would, but the effort would not go unnoticed. Instead, all we see is a team under performing to the point of dire mediocre levels. So, is this team, this squad of players, so disjointed and uneven that they fail to ignite any type of spark? Or is it a tactical failure? Being prepared to help get ourselves out of this mess is a consequence of not being prepared when we kick started our season at Boro.

On paper, there have been a dozen or so worse teams that Spurs in the past 53 years, who haven’t started this poorly. Time Ramos took a risk with his selection. Time the players stopped talking about ‘top 4’ and ‘Champions League’ and started to accept they are bottom because they are playing shit.

Q) What is being done to change the situation?

A) JR: It's only possible if we work very hard, have confidence in our ability and the team is together. This is the principal way to change the situation.

Work hard. Have confidence. Togetherness. Every time I watch MotD I see these basic, fundamentals in every other Prem club. Sure, some are lowly because of their lack of true quality as footballers. And others are just Newcastle (thank God for them). So it’s a worry that when all the media and pundits had as down as a dead cert for 5th spot, the players, still don’t look like they have the will to get things started. Waiting for that first win to kick start our rise up, is fine, but if it still hasn’t arrived in 5 games time, then that confidence will never see the light of day and the sheer expectation and pressure might have us buried come Christmas.

I don’t believe that it will happen. 3 or 4 wins and it will be back to mid-table happiness. But if the principal way is fruitless after next Sunday, and we lose – then the players are not reacting to Ramos and Poyet. Arguing whether that is the fault of Ramos or the players is something Spurs fans could argue about for days on end.

Q) Given the position we find ourselves in, what is your message to the supporters?

A) JR: At this difficult time we have to be positive and optimistic. I know it's difficult, but this is when the team needs the supporters. Conversely, when we're winning three or four-nil, we don't need the support as much. We have young players but players with quality and I have every confidence in the team. However, they are young, the pressure is on and it's possible the confidence is low. I'm sure when we win two or three matches that situation will change.

The fans are frustrated. Spurs supporters do not demand success to claim we should be 4th because we are Tottenham and we deserve it. This is the popular misconception, a myth. We just our ambitions as fans to be played out by the team out on the pitch. We were once the London fashion gurus. The iconic swaggering Tottenham Hotspur. Flair all around. Arsenal have that mantle now when it comes to style of football, and Chelsea have done their very best to buy up some history. Wanting something we once had isn’t a bad thing, considering we are rich, still in the Prem and spend shedloads of money.

Having the media and players bang on about our ambitions and where we should be, simply magnifies the fact that it’s all very much hype.

We have improved as a club, tenfold in the past 5 or so years. Those two Jol seasons gave hope. And maybe we should be laughed at for not seeing that it will come a cropper soon enough, like always. False dawns and all that jazz.

That’s why some fans boo. That’s why some of the home games have had a flat atmosphere. Away support is always fantastic. So yeah, I agree that Tottenham should repeat that amazing support that made a cameo in parts during the Wigan game. But if that fails to inspire the players, then believe me, people who have spent £700 on a season ticket have a God given right to boo.

Q) What was the mood in the dressing like after the match yesterday?

A) First, they were sad and logically they were angry as well. They are waiting to win. On the coach on the way home they started to think about the next match, Wisla Krakow in the UEFA Cup on Thursday. We need to win that game, we need to get through to the next round and I think we will see the best of the players.

Honestly, I will eat my hat if we beat Krakow. This season just has a feeling of it getting worse before it gets better, but I’d rather get knocked out of Europe and then climb the table into a UEFA Cup spot than get knocked out in the Q-F’s and not make Europe.

Q) What is the atmosphere at the club like at the moment?

A) JR: At this moment everyone wants to help but only the professionals on the pitch can do it. All the people want to help but I repeat, only the players and management can change this situation.

Again, players and management – you need to step up. Listening to how we need to step up after every defeat is making it worse.

Q) Do you understand the frustrations of the supporters?

A) JR: Of course - it's the same for us. I can promise everyone we are doing everything to change this situation. In football, sometimes things are difficult to explain but I'm sure we'll have fantastic support from the fans and the rest we have to do on the pitch.

If it’s the same for the players, then why do I not see any difference? Maybe every game, one player stands out, but as a team – as a unit – nothing.

Q) You chose not to play your most attacking formation against Portsmouth, why was this?

A) JR: The match was very even and the penalty against us changed the situation. In the second half a similar incident arrived and it was a possible penalty and then it was possible to draw. It's difficult. The confidence is down and we need to play with nil goals against. We are having problems scoring goals and therefore we need that security.

So basically, one up front, so we can defend more because we can’t score goals, so need that extra security. But surely we are not scoring goals because we have one up front? Very politicianesque styled answer from Ramos this one.

I thought Pompey were poor. A confident Spurs side would have beaten them. But this current Spurs lot didn’t get close. And yeah, we ain’t getting the decisions – much like many teams that struggle don’t. Enough with the feeling sorry for ourselves and the circumstance we are in. Grab the fucking game by the neck. Sweat blood. Take that risk.

Q) You have changed your formation from 4-4-2 to 4-5-1 recently- is this your preferred formation with this team or are you still trying to settle into something you are happy with?

A) JR: I prefer 4-4-2 but as I have explained before, it's possible to change. I prefer 4-4-2 but sometimes you have to look at the situation. It's always the same though. If the team is losing then people say ‘he's not changing players, how is that possible, if you are losing then change the players'. It is always about results, that is always most important.

But it’s not working is it? Changing from one to two upfront. So either stick with one formation and let them build up some kind of understanding or change the key personnel. Consistency, Christ that word, consistency is the key. Consistency losing appears to be because of uncertainty that the players manifest when the game kicks off.

Q) What is your reasoning behind rotating the players for every match? Does this destabilise the squad?

A) JR: Pavlyuchenko and Corluka can't play in Europe, Ledley King can't play in every match, Gareth Bale is injured, we have small injuries each week and I need to change three or four players every match. It's impossible to play the same players if you play every three days. We need to find the solutions. If we were winning, people would say 'perfect, he's using the squad'.

We should never have sold TT or Steed. Sure, TT is injured often himself, but there are one or two players who have left that should have been part of a squad – a stronger squad than what we have. The fact these players left and were (arguably) replaced, we still needed more cover. The forward line-up is weak. Bent gets injured, and who exactly plays Europe? The King situation is one that warrants its own blog entry. Generally speaking, I feel for Ramos here. A club that wishes to be in a certain position, needs to make those wishes a reality with impact-making transfers. Not media-friendly transfers.

Q) So the message is ‘stick together'.

A) JR: As this moment it's the most important thing - the fans need to understand that the first people who want to change the situation are the players, the management and all the people in the club. This is when we all need to work together. It's a difficult time and we all hope to change the situation.

Ok, whatever. I doubt this interview was anything more than the usual panic-station Levy propaganda piece to help appease the fans. Too much talk, not enough action.

Time to shut the fuck up, and EARN those points. Earn respect.

Monday, 29 September 2008

Ramos and Poyet, two peas in a pod

I had a conversation with a fellow Spurs fan a week before the season kicked off. He said it was IMPERATIVE we won at Boro. I agreed. Confidence wise, to win opening day, away from home, and collect 3 points would see us start on a positive. Confidence wise we would have continued on a high. But the reality was it went to shit, and got worse.

Playing one up front is OK when you play Chelsea away, but at Pompey, it's almost felt like Ramos was telling the board, "Here you go....here's the team you have built for me".

Its a mess. Which would mean the DoF isn't working the way it's meant to, because Levy stated Comolli wanted Ramos, because they could 'work' together on transfer targets.

The final 15 mins or so of the game at Portsmouth saw Ramos and Poyet sitting down, with the look of disillusion. If you wanted to be a conspiracy theorist about it, you could argue Poyet's insistent repeated post-match 'complaint' of Pav and Bent being the same type of player, thus they can't play together being a subtle hint at how unhappy management are.

Reading between the lines is all you can do until something gives.

Klinsmann 'linked'

By linked I obviously mean the tabloids are making it up. Jurgen, with the best squad of players in Germany, is struggling to ignite a title challenge. Bayern Munich are 'aving a 'mare whilst Jol's Hamburg are still top. So if anyone is thinking of running with this story, apply some logic to the situation. Spurs legends do not work as managers: Ardiles, Hoddle.

And if Jurgen can't work out why Munich are not clicking, then what chance does he have with our inept lot?

Open letter sent to the chairman, via SSN

Not exactly a masterpiece this one, just a summary of recent blogs. It's also very tv-friendly. The chaps on SSN have been reading extracts from this all morning. I know. I feel dirty using SKY to get my message across, but Daniel never answers my correspondence so I was left with no choice but to use the pure unadulterated evil that is Murdoch's propaganda machine.

Dear Mr Levy,

We are football supporters, and not appreciators of accountancy. You might be good at keeping the clubs finances healthy, but in pure footballing matters you lack the edge that is required to help push the club forward. Too many times in your reign you have failed to step up when it mattered most. When we sat 4th in the table for four months, you failed to strengthen the side that surely would have helped cement Champions League football long before the final game of the season at Upton Park.

You and Comolli have never truly replaced Carrick or sought to finally end the left-wing draught with a genuine left-wing purchase. Look at all the top clubs that compete for honours. They have grafters, generals and grit. We have Jermaine Jenas and Didier Zokora. Why do you always feel the need to buy superfluous players like Bentley when what we need so desperately is a defensive midfielder? Your handling of the Berbatov saga was the final nail in the coffin.

You always knew he would be sold, it was a dead cert, but rather than setting a deadline and price at the start of the summer you preferred to wait until the final seconds. Resulting in us taking a Utd kid on loan. The irony must be lost on you.

As for Pavlyuchenko. £14M for a player who can't speak the language. Has already played several months of Russian league football and doesn't even look 75% fit. He's cup-tied for the UEFA Cup and....this is the bit that takes the biscuit.....he is a similar type of player to Darren Bent which is why we are playing with one up-front.

How exactly is this NOT a panic buy? The lad, on form, will score goals - but was he the signing we needed to replace either Keane or Berbatov? Much like there was no reason to buy Bent when we did. And no reason to sell Defoe. The decision making is criminal.

You've created a mess that Laurel and Hardy would be proud of.

Please have a word with Joe Lewis (who owns ENIC) and stick the club up for sale.

Yours Sincerely,


Midnight Epiphany

I've had enough. Of Jenas. Ramos. The lot of them. We couldn't score in a brothel were all the women were knocked out from ryhypnol and tied up, bums in air, with us on a Viagra buzz. We'd still somehow, inexplicably, find our way to the cold shower and stand under it until our dicks shrivelled.

A chain reaction is required. If we lose to Hull, then Ramos should go. Taking with him the extra £5M (severance pay) and a bit that Levy got from Man Utd for Berbatov's inflated price. As much as I beat the drums for patience, if the player's can't perform for the manager next Sunday, then the fact this dismal league run stretches back to March of this year is enough for me to call time on the waiting game.

I'm being a typical fickle Spurs fan, swaying from one opinion to the next. But with Ramos (possibly, impending) departure, comes the sacking of Comolli. And possibly the surrender of the DoF concept. Expecting Levy to walk away is a bit too much at this point.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Cowbell 2 Spurs 0, nothing, narda, zilch

Pompey were not all that great. The fact they won so easily is testament to just how fucking shit we are.

We never play our strongest line-up when it matters. With each game and variance to the selection, the end result is always the same. Abject failure. We are a team so passive in spirit and passion that winning a game is a concept so far fetched, it will only ever happen in Imagination Land.

No pace (Lennon on the bench) and no creativity (no Gio, O'Hara as chief playmaker). One up-front and King rested/injured (is there a difference nowadays?). Modric - our spark - currently looking too fragile for the mess we find ourselves in. Yeah sure, we should have had a penalty. But we can't sit around waiting for our luck to change. We have to be responsible and determined to graft out a victory from open play. From wanting it.

So do we blame the manager? Or Levy and Comolli? Yes, here we are again. Wasn't that long ago we all snuggled up to discuss a similar situation when Martin Jol was at the helm. And we all why that imploded.

Who to blame then?

Ramos, if disappointed with the summer dealings, should still be able to muster some kind of consistency with the team and the players he has. I can't believe motivation/inspiration and tactical nous is suddenly a blind spot for him. Yet our Prem record continues to degrade further. We might be missing a DM, but can you imagine if - for the sake of argument - Martin O'Neill was our manager? Would players give very little with him in the dug-out?

Something has to give. But if Levy has his finger on the panic button, which might result with a textbook self-destruct sacking, then it's roll-back time again. Another transition, and more pro-longed uncertainty. No wonder El Tel said no to the Newcastle job.

But that (Ramos management) isn't really the root of our problems, is it? Ramos can't be blamed for loss of Keane and Berbatov. Although harping on about it so much is also getting boring. And yes, I get the irony, because here I am again talking about the terrible twosome. It's a broken record this, but it's the heart of the issue. I might have 'celebrated' the way Levy fleeced both Utd and Liverpool for the cash, but with hindsight, it's been nothing short of shambloic.

Daniel Levy utterly spit-roasted the club's progression by fucking up the football side of things because he was too busy looking after the business side, pulling panties down and bending over.

Berbatov to United. Keane to his boyhood club. All we get is long-winded rants on the official site explaining how our players have been tapped up and illegally approached this and unfair that. And in the end, rather than do what Aston Villa did with Gareth Barry, we fail to set a deadline and a price with Berbatov, and instead, wait till the final seconds to sell him when we were always going to sell him. With Keane, we simply didn't spend the money profited on the type of player we desperately needed. All this income, along with increased season ticket prices - because Levy requires this extra dosh to help the club buy quality players.

How about buying the right type of players? Ones with leadership qualities. Backbones. Grafters. The type of players this club has desperately lacked for years and years. It's not difficult. Other clubs manage to do it. Even Hull and Stoke appear to have some fight in them. But no, we buy luxury players - who are all well and good - but only if you have the grafters doing the donkey work for them.

We never truly replaced Carrick. We've never come close to buying a left-winger. And when we did, we didn't want to pay him the money he wanted (Petrov, if you believe the stories).

Instead, we buy Pavlyuchenko. £14M for a player who can't speak the language. Has already played several months of Russian league football and doesn't even look 75% fit. He's cup-tied for the UEFA Cup and....this is the bit that takes the biscuit.....he is a similar type of player to Darren Bent which is why we are playing with one up-front.

How exactly is this NOT a panic buy? The lad, on form, will score goals - but there was no reason to buy him. Much like there was no reason to buy Bent when we did.

Keeping the club's bank balance in the black is all well and good, but it's not what defines a club. We are supporters, not appreciators of accountancy. And in the age of the Billionaire's playground, it's criminal to be wasting the money, no matter how much we make from selling our players.

If Ramos played a part in the transfer dealing this summer, then shame on him. If he did then he can stop complaining about the loss of Berba and Keane and take responsibility for what he is has. And Levy can take responsibility for Ramos.

If Ramos was promised but did not receive from Comolli, then his uncertainty and disappointment is being channelled through the players he selects.

But who cares? Who cares about any of the crap I've just written? Why bother trying to justify the reasons why we find ourselves rock bottom? It's happened. And depending on your perception and opinion, you either rate Levy for his handling of the club, or blame him. And you either want Ramos to remain and drag us out from this ugly pit we find ourselves trapped in or you want him sacked and replaced with yet another messiah.

Thursday will no doubt be another low in a season of constant lows.

Sunday will be yet another heart-wrenching must-win against.......Hull City.

You couldn't make this shit up. Just support Tottenham. We own the copyright.

Tottenham Hotspur Premier League Obituary

Will be published on this blog if Spurs lose their next league game at home to Hull City on the 5th October.

Pompey v Spurs

I've pulled the following stats from the Beebs preview of today's away game at Pompey:


  • This is Juande Ramos' 50th game in charge of Tottenham
  • Spurs have made their worst start to a league season in 53 years; since gaining just one point from the first six outings of the 1955-56 top-flight season.
  • Tottenham are the only club without a Premier League victory this season.
  • Gained just two points out of 18 this season.
  • On the longest current run in the Premier League of 12 matches without scoring more than a single goal in a game, since the 2-0 home win over Portsmouth on 22 March.
  • Yet to take the lead in a Premier League game this season.
  • Won 10 of 32 Premier League games under Juande Ramos.
  • Won one of the last seven away league matches (at Reading).


  • Tottenham hold a seven-match unbeaten Premier League record against Portsmouth of six wins and one draw, including the double over them last season.

Grim. Defoe apparently wants a hattrick. The greedy git. With Pompey having been whipped in recent weeks, including that 6-0 lose at Eastlands, I'm sure 'all guns blazing' will be their mentality while we stand there with empty water pistols with no triggers.

Prediction? If Pompey play poorly then we might just snatch a point. Otherwise, home win. The odds on us actually putting in a solid performance? Don't bet on it. What's scary is Hull winning at Arsenal, and us facing them soon. Whatever happened to dead certs and no easy games?

We've become the dead cert.

Of course, Pompey do have about 6 ex-Spurs player in their squad, so they could well shut-down again. Which would be welcomed.


Last week, Alan Smith, the ex-Arsenal striker and current Sky Sports commentator - was at Waterstones in London signing books. Or at least that was the intention. For a good ten minutes, he sat there on his own looking glum and staring at the walls and shelves - with a pile of his unsold books at his side.

Seems the modern day gooners memory only stretches back 10 years. No matter what you say about George Graham's boring side, they still won the title twice. At least with Alan, he had some class about him as a player - on and off the pitch. Unlike some of the recent Arsenal players, who are more front and ego.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

Liverpool @ home

Another exhibition match on the cards for the Wenger Babes, thanks to the traditional warm ball, with Wigan next in line to experience stage fright in this season Carling Cup. Whilst over at WHL, Spurs get knocked out by a Robbie Keane brace.

Hail the Carling Cup.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Spurs win the Desperation Derby

Newcastle 1 Spurs 2

Sorry for the delay in posting this blog. I've been out celebrating our win. Only just got back.


Worst game ever? Possibly, at least when referring to the opening 45 mins. Two teams devoid of direction and confidence, labouring towards sleep paralysis. I switched off after 20mins, fleetingly going back to the game in the vein hope of something. Anything. This was the de-evolution of football, live on Sky Sports - with additional anti-Spurs commentary by their resident pro-Arsenal commentator.

Oh yes. We were shit. But somehow, getting the brunt of the negativity simply because we had more of the possession is a tad mis-placed. Enough of the sympathy for Newcastle, who were kicking lumps out of us. Feel free to laugh at them.

Our tactic was far more subtle. We moved sideways and backwards. It's like we've had the imagination drained out of us. Lobotomised and useless. But then when the 19th team in the Prem host the 20th - that's crisis club v bottom of the lot - a 'classic' is the least expected outcome. This was bad non-league football on display. And if neutrals were not switching off the 19,000 who turned up to see this were regretting not staying away.

Gio livened things up when he came on. He defied the world of footballing science (as displayed by us and the opposition) by moving 'forwards' with the ball. Revolutionary! Pav notched up a goal. O'Hara deserved his fortunate 'winner' for the effort he put in. Lennon again was full of purpose. So there were some positives.

But all we did was beat a poor team. We didn't thrash them. Or out play them. Or swagger. We did enough to win. As ugly as it was.

Play like this at Pompey and we might just get smacked. Yes I know they have been spanked recently, and we have a decent record down there, but we really aren't very good at the moment.

How many Spurs players do you have in your fantasy football team?


Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Pav: Spurs fans don't need goals

From Russian Media:

MOSCOW, September 24 (RIA Novosti) - Russian striker Roman Pavlyuchenko has spoken of his shock at the intensity of training sessions at his new club Tottenham Hotspur.

"In England they have a different system of training," he told the Russian Sovetski-Sport paper.

"Right now the games are on Wednesday, Sunday, Wednesday, Saturday. The training is like this - those who played get to recover, and the rest do light training with the ball. It's not that tough," he began.

"But when there is a week's gap between games, training is serious. I barely survived it when I'd just arrived. I looked at my watch and saw that the training session had gone on for exactly two hours! Then another half an hour in the gym! Two and a half hours! Can you imagine that?" he said.

"I trained like never in my life before, I swear! The weights started to get to me, and I stopped and said to the trainer, 'I can't do this.' That's how they work - I'm shocked. I thought it would be a lot easier," he said.

Pavlyuchenko, whose three goals in five matches at Euro 2008 attracted the attention of Tottenham manager Juande Ramos, moved to the London club from Spartak Moscow at the end of August in a reported $28 million deal. He replaced Bulgarian star Dimitar Berbatov, who recently signed for Manchester United.

The striker, labeled a "sleeping giant" by Russian national side manager Guus Hiddink before Euro 2008, also said that he was disappointed by his first two games for his new club.

His first game for the club saw Tottenham lose 2-1 at home to Aston Villa, and the second, also a home game, a 0-0 draw with Wigan. Pavlyuchenko was substituted at half-time in the Wigan match in what Ramos called a tactical decision" that did not reflect on the striker's performance.

Tottenham are currently bottom of the English Premier League and are without a win in five games, their worst start to a season for 34 years.

"Personally, I didn't enjoy the first match or the second. I didn't like how I played. I asked Juande Ramos why he had taken me off and he said that it wasn't because I played badly, but because he had decided to change the tactical scheme. He told me not to fret about it. He's a good bloke, and easy to talk to," said Pavlyuchenko.

Despite the less than successful nature of his first two games in England, the Russian international was very impressed by Tottenham's White Hart Lane stadium and the club's fans.

"White Hart lane is crazy!" he said. "I don't even know how to describe it. You go out for a game and you get goosebumps. The field is like a snooker table - it's super! The fans sing, yell, and stand up and applaud. They don't even need goals... running, battling for the ball... that's what the English love," Pavlyuchenko said.

Tottenham travel to Newcastle United for a Carling Cup 3rd round tie on Wednesday evening.

I know, he doesn't mean how it's read (keep it in context) but I'm sure some tabloid rag will pick up the 'they don't need goals' quote. If he thinks the WHL crowd is crazy, then I can't wait for us to start winning games. We have been anything but crazy thus far. Apart from 20 minutes here and there.

As for the training, sounds like he is being a tad too honest. Two and half hours training? Try sitting in front of a monitor for 8 hours while your brain melts from boredom.

Carling Cup preview

Not sure what to expect this evenings Carling Cup spectacle at St James Park. The two Premiership comedy clubs clash in what will either be a laugh-a-minute 'how not to defend' circus of calamity or the game that ignites the season for us or them. Apart from a 1-0 win a few years ago, we don't tend to beat them up there. We prefer to lose, and usually lose heavily.

The fact that Chris Hughton is looking after things whilst Ashley attempts to fix the mess he's created, makes it doubly potentially embarrassing if Ramos is out-witted by the former Spurs man.

So strongest team on paper?

Gunter King* Woodgate Bale
Bentley Jenas O'Hara Lennon

*Corluka in place of King, depending on how bad his knee is this week

I haven't included Pav in that line-up because the lad needs a rest. That's what you get for paying £14M for a striker who's already played several months of the Russian league season.

So, our strongest side is a side with little physical presence in the midfield. No left winger - in fact the left side isn't the strongest (with Bale in defence and Lennon on the opposite side to where he should be). Bentley, is on the right, but will his deliveries meet the head or feet of Bent?

Modric is back in full training, so I don't expect him to play this evening, which means we might be looking at:

Gunter King/Corluka Woodgate Bale
Bentley Jenas O'Hara Lennon
Campbell Bent

No matter who he opts with - its imperative that Lennon starts and Lennon is used as our main outlet of forwardism. Attack, attack, attack. Give the ball to the imp and just make bloody sure you're in the box to deflect a cross into the goal, with arse or foot, it doesn't matter.

With Martins back for Newcastle (4 played, 4 wins, 4 goals - against us), its all looking ominous. Historically, we are soft when we play them in front of their home crowd (although not sure how many will bother to turn up to watch this game).

Maybe we should play the kids. Works for Arsenal, should work for us, right? Right?

Gunter Dervite Dawson Berchiche
Taarabt O'Hara Bostock
Dos Santos
Campbell Barcham

I reckon that team could beat our first team handsomely. Jossy's Giants could beat our first team handsomely. Christ, this is grim. Let's look on the bright side. This is the best start we've had in years. The table speaks for itself, no? We are only three points behind Man Utd.


Tuesday, 23 September 2008

GG quote of the day

In response to 'what will happen if we lose our next 3 games':

Levy sacks Ramos, taps up a new coach who comes in with a new back room staff, changes the diet, sells 18 players, brings in 9 making a great profit for the club, we all get excited that we're finally going to break into the top four, we win a shite trophy that the Big 4 don't give a toss about and go on holiday...
~ belsizespur

Groundhog day or paradox?

Crisis? What Crisis? Oh, that one....

5 games in and already whispers of 'crisis talks' are doing the rounds. I don't tend to believe such things, simply because I'm sure the chairman meets his manager on regular occasions, and in this case what exactly can he complain about considering the mis-management of the summer transfer dealings?

Why are results so poor?
Why are our new players not settled?
Why isn't the team playing a cohesive brand of football?
Why aren't we scoring any goals?
Why aren't we in the Top 4?

Now, the anti-Ramos amongst you might suggest that our form in the Prem since he took over has been anything but spectacular - even with Berba and Keane in the side (towards the backend of last season).

Regardless, taking this season into account only - most of the above 5 questions can be linked to the fact that we simply did not prepare for the start of this season in the right manner. I'm talking about dithering with signings. It's been mentioned before, so I won't go back over the mistakes made. Not in great detail that is.

Ramos does however need to get the best out of what he has, unless of course, he can't be arsed. But other than media rumours (all denied) there isn't much to go on other than maybe Poyet's dejected face in post-match interviews.

The players need to step up with the effort, regardless of selection. But selecting the right balance would also be a welcoming addition to our climbing the table. 'An understand' is required for any set of 11 players out on the field, to function in the right manner. Football 101 people.

A crisis talk at this stage is unlikely. Re-visit this after the Carling Cup game against Newcastle and the UEFA Cup match, with Pompey sandwiched between.

Lose all three, then media pressure along with supporter outbursts, might get trigger-happy Levy all guns blazing or see Ramos leave yet another club behind due to lack of botheredness.

For once, I'd like to see the trend bucked. Just like Utd did with Fergie. Not that I'm suggesting for a minute we have the basis for future dominance. Two wins on the trot is the only kind of achievement I'm gagging for at the minute.

As for the those questions -

1. Why are results so poor?

Results are poor, but we haven't been thrashed or out-played off the park, we've just been mediocre to the extreme. Not creating enough chances to worry the opposition which means the opposition only need a couple of decent efforts to notch up a win. Confidence has played a part, or lack of. Fundamentally, results are poor because the team is not playing like a team. Probably the only side in the Prem that has no cohesive style of play or balance backbone.

That's actually both embrassing and worrying. Regardless of the cock-up seeing us sign no class DM, if the player we have bought have come in to do a job, then the job has been left undone.

Too many luxary Rolls-Royce textbook Spurs signings. No hard grafters, to plug the holes.

Levy/Comolli are to blame. But then it's difficult to say blame also doesn't sit with Ramos. How much say he has in the signings (he is meant to have a big say, as Levy stated that the DoF works with the coach to sign players). So either Ramos was happy with the dealings come end of transfer - or he was not. If he was not, then that's going to affect our on-field performances. It's not too diffcult to state this considering our results. Ramos is chopping and changing far too much.

Is this meant to be another transitional season? If so, then enough with the 'we can finish in the top 4' - when clearly getting out of the bottom 4 is proving more difficult than some would think.

Regarding the transfer policy - it's possible the players Ramos wants, which Comolli attempted to sign, are unavailable or still 'on the cards'. Regardless, there is such a thing as 'secondary' targets. I refuse to believe that there is a lack of quality - as Levy suggested. If these guys are working hard to bring in the players - they are not working hard enough.

2. Why are our new players not settled?

Bentley - Played out of position. Therefore, uncomfortable and trying way to hard to impress, resulting in woeful 'never beat the first man' corners and set-pieces.

Modric - The 'too lightweight' for the Prem is a fallacy. He can handle himself just fine. But obviously needs time to adjust, like many players do. Not everyone settles in their first game or two. Those that do, do so because the team they are in is brimming with confidence. Modric is playing in a midfield with no support. He is doing work he should not be doing. His task should be to create, run the show. But with such a disjointed middle four, he is lost amongst the confusion. This is where a true DM would have helped the lad settle into the team. It's not been a great start. But blaming him is pathetic. Remember the abuse Carrick got? Its deja vu.

Gio - A young lad, more an impact sub at the moment. Can't be critical of him at all at the moment. He isn't the finished article by a longshot, but once (if) the team start to play with style then he will flourish, much like Lennon did in the '06 Season.

Ramos has to be responsible with this side of things. The Bentley situation is not a good one. Gomes is fine, clanger or no clanger. Corluka looks a safe bet alongside Woodgate.

3. Why isn't the team playing a cohesive brand of football?

When the summer began, you had the feeling that when Chimbonda, Steed, TT and Kaboul all left - we would be replacing the lot of them with 'squad' players, to make sure we had a squad of depth (to allow for injuries and competition). But now you wonder why we let the likes of Steed especially (our hardest worker last season) go so easily. When all this has achieved is a negative impact.

But depth of squad aside, selection wise - thing's are simply not great. If the midfield doesn't work then there is simply no pattern of play that allows players to settle into a rhythm. The front one (or two if Bent starts with Pav) is lacking understanding - which is, well, understandable. Losing Berbatov and Keane (how many times has this been mentioned now?) has impacted us greatly. So, instead of drying those tearful eyes, we seem to be unprepared for each game. There is no spark to ignite or inspire. With those two former players (Keane coming deep, Berbatov creating) there was a style of play that allowed all the players to take their roles within the team and push forward with meaning.

Now, we have two players upfront who have no support. A midfield with a poor excuse for a DM and no consistent attacking/creative option (apart from Lennon, if he starts). So all the defence can do is defend, and they don't do that especially great.

Every club has the balance, even if they are shit, they have the players in the positions the team needs to allow them to function. Some function ok, others well and others on a different level altogether - mainly because of the players they have selected. We just have a group of players, who look like they have all turned up for the first time at Hackney Marshes for a kick-around.

The irony is, the players who have left, have been 'replaced' by better quality. At least, you would think that on paper.

Again, shame on Comolli and Levy for their transfer 'mare. But Ramos must know his squads strengths and play to them. I'm glad to see O'Hara in the team. Might not be great by any means, but he has bite and energy. Lennon has to start, ahead of Bentley. If Modric comes back into the team, then Ramos has to decide who will protect him and do the midfield donkey work - but even more important is that the midfield must chase all the balls, close down the oppposition and work for each other. Modric, Lennon, Gio etc can then work towards supporting the front two players.

But all this is obvious, no? Surely the manager can see this?

Most important, due to the predicament, is the three points, no matter how. Spirit and urgency, and a bit of luck - and then consistency with the team selection to allow for that fabled 'gel factor' as the team 'get to know each other better' and begin to take shape as a unit.

We can then hopefully look to next season for that push for '4th spot' (top end of table). Unless Hutton and Bale get sold to Man Utd and Jenas finally makes that move to Real Madrid.

4. Why aren't we scoring any goals?

Same as above really, re: Decimation of the front two. Still, if you spend practically £30M on two forward players, you'd think they would develop a decent understanding sooner rather than later. But, as above, the midfield have to chip in with creating openings. And thus far, there has been very little going on.

It's all linked. Team selection> team structure > midfield balance > working partnership upfront.

5. Why aren't we in the Top 4?

What, bottom 4 isn't good enough for you? It's still got the number '4' in it.

All this talk of 'top 4' is media hype, not helped by the players and management. It's not really an expectation from the fans. It was under Jol in the first of our two 5th placements. Because we sat in that position for 4 months. But this season, even with the positivity we all had, nobody felt it was going to happen. 5th spot, yes - of course, why not. Historically, the clubs who battle for this place changes every season. Like it will do this year. And again next year. Its a cert. Spurs though - on paper - are always made fav's. Although Man City will most definetley take that honour going forward. And Villa, for their steady progress.

Levy - like any other ambitious chairman - will have 'top 4' as the mission to be accomplished. But making it a reality is something else. And making the same errors each summer will do nothing to progress the team.

We should be 4th or thereabouts had we started well (based on a dream I had). We could have had 12 or so points had we swaggered from the start.

Boro away, winnable - but tradtionally a draw.
Sunderland home, - win.
Chelsea away, - draw.
Villa home, - draw or win (based on previous seasons).
Wigan home, - win.

11 points. But that's based on the expectations relating to money spent. The team has deserved NOTHING on performance. All this 'they gave everything' sounds more like 'we don't know what's wrong and we can't stop the rot'. It's scary if you spend some time thinking about it.

We haven't swaggered since the 5-1 against Arsenal, and the Cup Final. A cameo here and there since. But nothing else. Levy has to sit back, supporting Ramos and Poyet in private, and let the two of them do what they have to do to get us up and running. Comolli has to allow Ramos to make suggestions for the Jan window (how bad is that, season under way and we are having to think about bolstering our team already). And as for the fans, more of the 'We are Tottenham' than the dismay and groaning at mis-placed passes.

Tomorrow, the circus is in town. Visiting the local circus. Clowns taking centre stage. Yes, it's Newcastle away, defending the Cup we won so brightly last term. Its a must-win....(to follow on from the 'must win' games against Villa and Wigan).

Is this the turning point? I hope so. Because going to Poland to win is going to be hellmouth.

COYS, yeah? Anyone?



13 Prem appearances. 0 wins.

Bale is all smiles - but it's no laughing matter

He is jinxed. I beg the club to drop him from the side to end the curse. He's the anti-victory, personified.

Management need to drop Gareth to help Bale us out of the bottom three, and thus embrace three valuable points.

The stats do not lie.

Drop Bale to Win!

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Spurs Paradox of the day

We buy players who will need time to develop at the expense of settled, sensible buys for the correct positions, but at the same time the board demands immediate success from our coaches.
~ DanishWhite, gg.net

Brilliant nail-on-the-head observation that. If completely and utterly obvious to Spurs fans (but not our esteemed chairman).

We simply do not have the right people running the club. Sometimes the easiest solution to a transfer conundrum is just that.....'go with the easiest solution'. And yet we somehow manage to dig ourselves into a deeper mess.

Is Levy seeking the best media/fan friendly Tottenhamesque signing each and every time we dive into the transfer market?

I refuse to believe their excuse regarding players of quality are hard to come by. Its possible they have targets - ones which would wet our pants with glee - but they couldn't finalise them. But chasing these glory players when we desperately need steel in midfield staggers me and the rest of us.

Bentley, Gio, Pav - etc - are additions rather than the necessities we are crying out for. But it's all too late now.

Roll on, Jan transfer window, for more of the same, I'm sure.

Turning point will come

Ok. I think I had a knee-jerk reaction earlier. Not to excuse the shower of shit on display today, but the best thing for it is for these players and the management to dig deep(er) and drag us out of this mediocre slum and back to the land of the living. Starting with the defence of the Carling Cup.

The two clubs in permanent turmoil clashing for Cup honours. They need to kick-start their season. So do we. Roll on.

As for Ramos and the team. There is no need for speak about sacking the manager or the manager walking. Juande has no reason to walk. There's no pay-off if he does so - both for his reputation and his bank account. Spurs need stability and the panic button will not be pushed unless we sit in the bottom three come Christmas. Sacking him would cost Levy a fair bit (thank God we sold Berba for £30M and not £25M, hey?).

No. Let Ramos earn his wage. Get over losing the front two. Work on Bent and Pav's partnership in training. Work out the best midfield - defence and attacking duties. And get the best eleven on paper, making changes when necessary rather than drastically chopping and changing every game.

Now the optimism might be because of the rum and coke and the hooker who's about to knock on my door for a nightcap, but colour me white and blue.....this team will wake up. It has to. If it doesn't, then it fully deserves to fall into a coma and wake up to Doncaster away.


Relegation Scrap™ 2008/09

Spurs 0 Wigan 0

Whilst Man City decimated Portsmouth, I was experiencing the displeasure of the pinnacle of inept. Wigan, for all their work and efforts, are not that good. Good enough though for a point at the Lane. This was the quintessential 'game for the taking' for us. Instead we failed with all the basics. From set pieces to passing and movement.

Upfront, Bent and Pav had no support. And sadly no understanding between the two of them. The latter is something you could forgive if the midfield were able to provide opportunities for the both of them. But they couldn't. Bringing on Campbell didn't make an impact good enough for a breakthrough. Lennon though gave us some much needed pace. Questionable selection by Ramos choosing the completely out of form Bentley who appears to have forgotten how to beat the first man with his corners. Again.

In fact, all in all, most of our players looked uncomfortable and uneasy on the ball. We hoofed it. We mis-placed passes. It was all a bit too embarrassing, lacklustre and basically fucking shit.

Too good to go down? We ain't even good, so going down at the moment isn't something that should be dismissed because you have to worry about where the confidence boosting morale changing team performance enhancement victory is going to come from.

The chant of 'We are Tottenham Super Tottenham' that rang out from around the ground in the second half was there to make up for the booing at half-time and help inspire the team. But it felt more like a defiant song of realisation; we are heading for a scrap.

Over dramatic? Well, how many times were going to have to wheel out the same excuse of 'time is needed for the team to gel' and 'once we win, all will be fine'. Will another month of defeats and draws still be 'ok' for us while the players all learn how to work hard, graft and play with urgency, passion and fucking bite?

Our fixture list for the next two months (ignoring the Carling Cup and UEFA Cup, because at the moment, I wouldn't bet on us progressing in either):


(A) Pompey


(H) Hull City
(A) Stoke City
(H) Bolton Wanderers
(A) Arsenal


(H) Liverpool
(A) Manchester City
(A) Fulham
(H) Blackburn Rovers
(H) Everton

Last year, we knew we would concede but we also knew we would score goals. This season, conceding is usually a cert. Scoring....well, we look incapable. The worst in the league. Although, since that Carling Cup win - even with Berbatov and Keane in the team, we hardly set the world on fire. We had a useless end of season run-in. So this 'run' started at the back end of last season and has continued into this one.

When did we sell Robbie Keane? During the summer months. Why not replace him there and then. With Berbatov, it seems Levy holding out for the extra £5M and thus resulting with us taking on a Utd reserve player on loan is proving to be of great irony considering the lower we finish in the table the less money we take from the Prem place we finish in. That could cost us a hell of a lot more than £5M. He should have gone in the summer too, and the likes of Comolli and Ramos should have had a complete squad before we kicked off at Boro.

The fault is with all, from top to bottom. The quotes in the previous blog sum it all up perfectly.

So, looking at October (and the Pompey game next week):

(A) Pompey


(H) Hull City
(A) Stoke City
(H) Bolton Wanderers
(A) Arsenal

How many points, on current form, could we get from this lot? 6? 9? Whatever happens, Hull and Bolton at home are now MUST wins. Depressing, no?

Played 5, 2 points, no wins. This isn't the Glory game. I fucking hate football.


Message board blues

Aftermath comments from GG.net:

Spurs are in big trouble this season

From what I have seen this season they look like they would have trouble scoring in a brothel

Its a competitive league this year. Man C and Villa have improved and Hull and Stoke are not rolling over for anyone

We are currently dire. Seriously. Absolutely shocking.

Where's all this flowing, attacking football. Yet again we resort to long-ball tactics that Jol was getting murdered for implementing.

This is Wigan for gods sake.

We are in the shit, let's not kid ourselves. Ramos can go on about 'team gelling' until he is blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is that we are, at the moment, where we deserve to be in the table. And unless Ramos et al can sort things out over the next 2-3 weeks we are in big trouble.

But we're not even seeing the bloody basics.

Simple passing, moving into space, awareness of each other, watching opposition runners. We're simply not doing it.

It was shocking to watch, it really was.

We sold too many good players this summer. I'm not even talking about Berbatov and Keane, they wanted out. I'm talking about Malbranque, Tainio, Lee, Chimbonda. We sign enough shit players I'm fed up of selling decent ones when we find them. Malbranque especially was never going to set the world alight but i always liked him at Fulham and was really glad when we signed him. Last season he was probably our most consistent midfielder by a long way, really hard working and good (if not world class) quality. Could also play ANY position in midfield if need be. Tainio was injury prone, but a decent squad player with decent quality again and versatility. Lee was probably the best option for retaining cover in the full back positions, really decent player and Chimbonda ok he was a bit of a twat, but again was a good player who would have done a good job in the squad.

Why dismantle a team that finished 5th two seasons in a row? Such a team doesn't need dismantelling it just needs fine tuning. Yeah Bentley, Modric, Dos Santos seem decent players with some potential, but they weren't needed at all.

It pisses me off as it seems so simple: this summer i'd have had a look at our team and thought , well its not that bad, but could do with probably a midfield enforcer, a proper left winger, a new goalkeeper and cover in defence (given King and Woodgate cant be relied upon to stay fit). I would also have identified a replacement for Berbatov straight away as it was OBVIOUS to everyone except seemingly Levy and the Spurs management that he wanted out.

I'd have gone all out to get a Berbatov replacement straight away and sold him very early on in the window. Then u get it over and done with, u have a replacement, no negative media drama running all summer unsettling the players and fans and we move on. Then I'd have got a defensive midfielder, didn't even have to be a world class giant of a player, just someone who can steady the ship ffs with stamina, pace and positional sense who can play a simple ball, the premiership's actually full of those kind of players and it pisses me off that we dont have one and its a fundamental reason why we struggle to dominate teams....what use are loads of fancy flair players if you cant get hold of the ball and give it to them?

The ONLY position I'd say we were stronger in than last season is goalkeeper.All we've done in some positions is swap skill for hardwork (modric for malbranque, bentley for tainio) and the weaknesses that we had last season are still there. I've not witnesses a more shambolic summer since the sugar/gross type days.

We're overloaded with skilfull attacking midfielders but have no bite and our defence and organisation is all over the place. It reminds me of when West Ham got relegated with Cole, Carrick, Defoe, Kanoute and all those guys in the team. Teams with brittle spines and lack of organisation just can't hack it in the Premiership and if people think we are too good to go down, then you better start waking up and smelling the coffee.


Friday, 19 September 2008

Finally, a win

Tottenham 2-1 Wisla Krakow

Disappointing performance. I know 'a win is a win is a win' - but if we don't improve for Sunday and then the return leg, then brace yourselves for a shit storm.

On paper the team looked more balanced than Monday's disaster, but then again, playing tubs of lard through the middle of the team instead of registered players would have been more effective compared to our line-up against Villa. However, using Lennon on the left-hand side is not a tactic that can long continue. Not helped too much by the fact that Bentley, on his right side, was woeful (did any one of his corners beat the first man?).

Opening 2o minutes saw us chasing the ball. Krakow dominated possession. It's hard going creating chances for a lone gunman upfront, another tactic that simply doesn't work. When we took the lead, we let it go immediately. Will we ever learn to put our foot on the ball? Zokora, gives away a throw-in and the Polish (with some style) walk the ball in.

Our second half disallowed goal was one moment of glory football. Brilliant build up work. Shame on the linesman. Shame. On comes Agent Campbell, and before you can say 'tap up' he's showing a bit of determination and energy. So when he assists Bent for a goal, one or two of us smiled that at least Manchester United's loan star has something to offer.

2-1. Not enough really, is it? Krakow have never lost a European home tie, so whatever happens, we need to notch up an away goal or two. Big task on this form. I don't even fancy us to beat Wigan on Sunday.

Dramatic knee-jerks aside, the team still lacks cohesiveness. There is no urgency and definitely no strength in central midfield. Upfront, Bent still looks isolated and alone and certain players (Bentley for example) are just not playing well enough to inspire those around them - and the fans.

King. Well, Ledley looked knackered. I'd say somethings not quite right, but then we've known that for three years now. Zokora made it one good performance (Chelsea) out of five games. Yes, he has a set of lungs on him and runs around - but no first touch, composure or anything that warrants the world 'class'. But that's no secret.

Special mention to the Poles. Very decent side in possession. But a confident, swaggering team of a season or two ago - led by Berbatov and Keane would have terrorised them. Such is the negative impact of losing both our talismen .

Other than that, anyone at the Lane last night would have enjoyed the first half atmosphere at the very least, with various pockets of Krakow fans in the home stands.

West stand upper, East stand upper and the lower....these boys in red had no problem walking through the home fans turnstiles and taking their place. Questionable responsibility from Spurs officials/stewards and the police. Did make for some cracking moodyness. Bit of bother outside after the game. Police presence was up to the standards of a Chelsea home match.

I think their fans probably went home a little happier than ours. Also, good to finally see Ramos speaka da Englisho. Hopefully he'll give us something to crow about sooner rather than later.

Every Prem game now is vital for confidence and climbing off the bottom. If we lose our next two cup games and don't improve in the league, then.........ah fuck it. If if if if if.

I'll stick the negativity on ice for now.


Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Start of the season curse

2006-7 p6 W1 D1 L4

2007-8 p6 W1 D1 L4

2008-9 p4 W0 D1 L3

If we defeat Wigan at the Lane on Sunday and then draw the next Prem game - it will be our best start in 3 seasons.

Crisis, what crisis? This is just normal sodding service.

Oh when the cash, comes rolling in......

In light of Levy and his money-collecting habits, the lads from COYS have provided the following football chants, proving that when they leave alone all the ITK rumourwhoring, they can produce something worthy of a smile. Enjoy.

AIM listed,
la la la,
AIM listed,
la la la.

My old man,
Said be a Tottenham fan,
I said fuck off bollocks,
I'm an accountant.

"Daniel Levy's In-the-Black armeee!"

"Kick the ball with your FTSE, my son!!!"

Cos if you know your share prices...
it's enough to make your heart go ooooohhhhhhhh....
we don't care what the other investment groups say
what they hell should we care
cos we only know
when there's gonna be profit taking show
that Tottenham Hotspur (PLC) will be there....
(sang to the tune of 'Grand Old Team')

"The referee's a banker, the referee's a banker!"

"Oh when the cash comes rolling in, Oh when the cash comes rolling in, I wanna see telephone numbers, when the cash comes rolling in"



Part I

Wilsa Karkow (UEFA Cup)

Part II

Wigan (Prem)

Wigan more so than Karkow. If we lose on Sunday.....end of days will be upon us. Relegation will be a distinct possibility - and if it means ridding the club of all the over-rated players, expensive season tickets, shit Premiership merchandise and Levy and the board - then I say, LETS EMBRACE THE CHAMPIONSHIP. It happened once before, and we came back stronger.

If Wigan defeat us - then my campaign for 'LETS RELEGATE SPURS' will begin in earnest, and I hope the wise among you join me in achieving this goal.

Relegation will purge the delusions of grandeur we suffer from and turn us into 'West Ham' fans - happy with entertaining football and getting one over the big boys now and again. Lack of high expectations means less pressure on the players and less chance of falling flat on our faces.


Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Ramos will bale us out

Spurs pretend-flirt with the bottom three places all the time. We lift up our short skirt and bend over, teasing ever so playfully - but never does the big cock of relegation penetrate our anus. The chastity of mid-table always retains the little dignity we possess.

Things are not exactly pretty statistically at the moment. Ramos has been Spurs boss for almost 12 months. In that time we’ve played 31 league games winning 10, drawing 10 and losing 11. We’ve notched 1 league win in our last 11 games and haven’t scored more than a single league goal since March when we won 2-0 v Pompey. Bale has played 12 league games and in those games Spurs have never registered a win.

If you take all the league games played in the calendar year of 2008 we sit second from bottom with 5 wins in 22 games (8 draws, 9 defeats). With a total of 23 points compared to Chelsea who are top with 54 points. Those 5 glorious victories came against:

Sunderland (h)
Derby (a)
West Ham (h)
Portsmouth (h)
Reading (a)

It’s all compounded further with the sorry fact that this is our worst start in 34 years. And if you want to get uber-depressive about all this (if you’re not moving to Bridgend already), this season we haven’t deserved to win any of the games we have lost. All winnable, very much, you would think and hope. But 0 points against Boro, Sunderland and Villa is exactly what our performance was deserving of. Sure, we retain the ball and pass it about, but every counter attack from the opposition seems to end with them scoring. The two goals we buried into the back of the net were both fortunate rather than something created from a spark of magic.

But in the midst of all this chaos and dejection, it’s not surprising if a first win sets us on our way. We seem to start poorly, more so these days. The higher the expectation, the more embarrassed we are. So, up and coming:

Spurs v Wilsa Karkow (UEFA Cup)
Spurs V Wigan (Prem)
Newcastle v Spurs (Carling Cup)
Pompey v Spurs (Prem)
Wilsa Karkow v Spurs (UEFA Cup)
Spurs v Hull (Prem)

6 games. Six defining matches. Thursday is an evening of football where Spurs cannot fail to impress and convince.

Ramos – play your sodding strongest side. Play to the players strengths.
As for the players – show some fucking heart, spirit and pride.

Boss the pitch. Movement with urgency and trickery. Dominate and win handsomely.

And the fans? Calm the fuck down you bunch of absolute melters. Stop obsessing with stats and harping on about Martin Jol because I’m sure the ones questioning his ‘sacking’ and wanting him back are the same tools that wanted him sacked. Jol, undermined and spent had to leave our club. 3 fucking defeats and you want Ramos out and Jol back? Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Being bottom of the table or listening to the fickleness that our supporters are preaching.

COYS and lock Bale in cupboard till Monday.


Monday, 15 September 2008

Epic Fail

Spurs 1 Aston Villa 2

What a shambles. I can't even be arsed to dwell too much on this miserable evening, so I'll stick to the main points.

We have three games in the space of a week. Villa, some Polish side and then Wigan on Sunday. So, what does Ramos do? He selects a disjointed and weakened side in arguably our toughest game of the three. Bentley dropped to the Bench, King rested completely. And selecting Huddlestone and Dawson to play against the pace and movement of Villa was a monumental fuck up. Not helped by a typical Zokora display of complete non-existence, we sat back and watched Villa out run us, out move us, out pace us - the lot. Embarrassing.

Even when we did start to play possession football deep into the second half, there was still no end product. In fact the only person attempting end product is the one person who has no end product. Lennon.

Huddlestone in action for Spurs against Villa

The first Villa goal was scored when Huddlestone lost his man. The second, I'm not going to dwell on Gomes allowing the ball to slip under him. Gomes in the first half saved us from going into the dressing room at half-time, 4-0 down. Dawson was at fault for this one. That shot should never have been fired towards goal.

I didn't see Bent's consolation. I was already on my way out.

4 played, one draw, three defeats - two of them at home. Had we played a full strength team, I'm uncertain if the result would have been any different.

Now, you could argue losing Berbatov and Keane isn't something we are going to recover from in a handful of games. But you could also argue, that if Levy, Comolli and Ramos have been assembling this squad since the start of the summer, then resting players shouldn't result in such a shambolic performance. All tonight illustrates is that there is no true depth - which means, play the strongest side possible when a win is most needed. What we get instead is glue, sticking us to the bottom of the league.

Michael Dawson, falling over

Huddlestone should only be used as an impact sub on current form and mobility. Dawson if everyone else is injured. Zokora's over-hyped performance at Chelsea masked his deficiencies once more, for all of 5 minutes, before it dawned on the faithful that he is in fact fucking gush. At least young Gio gave us some hope.

Poor Pav, upfront - running into space and behind defenders waiting for a ball that will never arrive. Again, its unfair to be critical of either Pav or Bent. At the moment they look too similar to be playing together - but they do need time to gel (or attempt to do so). So surely tactically, something should have been agreed upon, because if the tactic was hoofing the ball for someone to get their head on it and for someone else to run onto it, then fuck are we fucked.

I'm back at White Hart Pain on Thursday for more comedy. I live the life of a fucking king, I do.

~ Spooky


Massive massive game down at the Lane this evening. Lose this and we are practically relegated. I'm taking my Levy effigy to the game. And believe me, it will burn along with my season ticket if we do not put in a convincing performance.

The pressure is on for Modric, who after 3 games, is an expensive flop (Talksport confirmed this). The little man is now fighting to keep his place in the first team.

In last seasons corresponding fixture we went 4-1 down before making it 4-4 in the final seconds. Cardiac football at its very best. However, Villa's record at the Lane is not a great one, but MON's hard-working, pacey team might just have the backbone to contain Jenas and therefore secure more than just a point with the likes of Young and Abonglahor key players in their away day mission.

All eyes on Tottenham's new Russian striker, Pavlychenko. He's no moody Bulgarian. But is he just a tall non-Ukrainian Sergi Rebrov? Pav, if you are a racist like Sergi - avoiding the crime out in the streets of Tottenham is one thing, but be warned, men in white get mugged all the time out on the pitch.

Prediction: Much pre-match hype followed by disillusion, anguish and crying.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Frazier Campbell

Has been given the number 23 shirt.

Genius PR there.

Dear Mr Levy........I'm conflicted

Gone midnight, September 2nd.

Dear Mr Levy,

I’m conflicted. I can’t seem to make up my mind whether everything that’s happened falls on the side of good or abject disdain. As I sit here in the dirt, I find myself thinking if I’ve actually, in some misguided way, done you a favour. Was I better off just letting things run their course to help cement your legacy to the bottom of the sea of failure? Or was I right to be pro-active, stopping the car and it's driver from reaching the Lodge? Am I seeing this from the wrong perspective? Is there an unbinding connection between the two of us? Are you Palpatine to my Skywalker? And if so, why is Jar Jar Binks our director of football?

My car is parked down the road, a safe distance from your home. The boot is locked. And what’s in it is safe and sound, and still breathing. Though will need to be returned to it's rightful owner later on. I’ve been sat here in the hedge, camouflaged, for about an hour. Green paint covering my face. I’ve been contemplating, reciting passages from The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Helps me meditate. But now I find myself whispering into my microphone, dictating my thoughts. My trusted PSP-10 Cybereye second generation multi-purpose night vision system with head-mountable (cushioned for comfort) and additional camera-adaptable, c/w 2 stage IR illuminator functionality allows me to see through the darkness and into your kitchen window as you make your cup of Earl Gray. This might not be Baghdad, but I know how a reconnaissance marine must feel when they are this close to an enemy. The desire to strike down evil is strong. But I resist. My mind uncertain.

I’m using the hands-free on my Cybereye to zoom. It’s definitely the best value for money NVG on the market. Although battery life could be better. And some kind of anti-squirrel alert mechanism would be handy. Vicious little buggers. Boy do they cry like bitches when they get dicked with pepper-spray. Ever since that incident at the Lodge with Berbatov and the squirrels, I’ve had them on my case. I think squirrels everywhere have issued a Fatwā on me for kidnapping some of their brethren and force-feeding them Red Bull as part of my unsuccessful attempt to induce injury on Dimitar, in Operation Nuts.

Sorry. Side-tracked. All is quiet. It’s 02:13 am. It’s a peaceful night. I think it’s starting to rain. I still have a little bit of coffee left. Not that you would care, all comfy and warm indoors. Sitting in your lush kitchen, dunking your ginger nut biscuit into your tea, in your red and white pyjamas, plugging in your laptop. Why do you look so smug? Have we been successful on this final day of the transfer window? Have we? I’m not asking you that question, I’m asking myself. Because I don’t know whether to use my midi-chlorians for the greater good and force you out or to simply embrace the dark side and help the club, even if it means helping you avoid disaster.

Let’s start with Sunday.

Chelsea v Spurs.

A lucky 1-1 survival at the impenetrable Stamford Bridge. Bent once again on his own upfront. Zokora, the enforcer, in a 5-man midfield that included Bentley, Gio, Modric and Jenas in his usual position. So, a 4-man midfield. The defence was tight. The keeper more than capable. But the midfield once more unbalanced resulting with Bent having to make do with his shadow as a partner, heading the ball from Gomes long kicks to nobody. In the first half, we were ineffective. Like an erect porn star with no testicles, where was the moneyshot going to come from?

In that same half, the opening goal came from Bent slicing the ball into the path of Belletti who scored and our equalizer came from Lampard directing the ball into the path of Bent who slotted it in. Darren with an assist and a goal. Not bad for a man on his own, isolated and alone. In the second 45, did we dig deep and defend well to frustrate them or did they simply perform poorly and due to our complete lack of inventiveness and urgency, failed to capitalise in any shape or form?

For all of Zokora’s running around, one misplaced through-ball and he looks to the ground, ignoring the fact that there's still a ball to win back. There he stood, staring at the ground where he lost the ball. Waiting for it to open up and eat you Didier? We live in hope. Tactical changes, we saw Lennon came on for Gio and Huddlestone for Gunter, which resulted with Jenas slipping into the right-back position. It was like watching Duncan Edwards. At least the second half resulted with Modric supporting Bent a little more effectively. All a little bit better than the first. But not great.

Two mistakes, two goals, score draw. Second from bottom in the table. One point from a possible nine. 50 goal front pair partnership gone. Wonderful stuff three games in.

Pavlyuchenko wasn’t signed in time to play in the derby. But apparently he’s injured. Great signing then. A player who has scored some goals in Russia in the past couple of years and a brace against England and three in the Euro’s. Doesn’t sound like you’ve done much scouting on this one, have you? Just watched a bit of tv recently. Will he compliment Bent? Is he a replacement for Keane? What does he do exactly? Can he play in the Premiership? Is he suited to the English game? How long is he going to take to settle? Will he be able to give us what Keane gave us? Or Berbatov for that matter? What’s his first touch like? Does he have tricky feet? Why hasn’t he scored yet? What’s wrong with this bloke? £14M for a player who seems incapable of answering any of these questions from the off. His name is too long for him to be any good. Did someone say Rebrov? No, then I’ll say it. Rebrov. Rebrov. Rebrov. Rebrov. Rebrov. Rebrov. Just slightly taller, not Ukrainian, but with the same goofy smile. And more expensive.

And don’t think I’m going to skip pass Didier Sickora’s new contract, much like most players skip past his non-existent presence in the centre-circle. You offered this sham a new improved four year contract? Does he have pictures of you in a sexually prerogative pose with your car’s exhaust pipe? He joined us from St Etienne following some fine displays at the World Cup. Those are your words from the official site. Some fine displays. Can you possibly define that for me? Did we sign Zokora because Comolli and your good self thought:

“Mmmm, ok, we lack an engine – a true midfield warrior with a silk touch. We don’t have a Gerrard or an Essien, and we sold Carrick to Utd and we keep failing at stealing other clubs academy players whom we can then develop into world class players, so let’s really go all out here. Let’s fill a hole that has turned into a pit of mediocrity by spending some money on a...wait for it...yes, you got that right....a fine player. Yes, a fine player. Not an excellent player. Definitely not a potentially brilliant player. No time for experienced and proven either. We need a fine player. Only needs to have had a handful of fine games. Because that’s what’s missing from our midfield. Doesn’t need to be capable of passing, its fine. As long as he can give free kicks away in dangerous areas, and has that fineability factor we so desperately lack need”.

Liverpool have the dynamic goal-scoring Gerrard. Utd have the orchestral Carrick and the hard-working Hargreaves. Chelsea have the sublime Essien and we have the fine Zokora who had some fine games in a World Cup. Even Arsenal have a better DM than us and they don’t actually have one. What does Zokora do? He runs with the ball in a straight line then shoots widely over the bar. He’s not too far off 100 appearances for Spurs and in that time he is best remembered for that miss at Wembley. We’ve spent a lot of money on Modric – so how can we expect him to blossom and begin to create and score if he has to look over his shoulder in case Zokora tackles him by mistake? Adding Jenas into the same midfield is just taking the fucking piss. That’s like two Zokora’s lined-up to help you out. No wonder Modric looks so pale and fragile. He can’t sleep or eat, all nervous and scared. A day earlier, Kaboul was clearing a certain goal off the line for his new club. Take that Comolli! Four years and counting, your search goes on.

We won’t win a thing with a lightweight midfield. Grit, determination and steel. A holy trinity that has evaded us for the past 30 years. Can that possibly change before midnight, September 2nd?

Do I have time to talk about Jenas? Of course I do. Let me talk about Jenas while you browse the ‘net and enjoy your tea. Reliable. Professional. Disciplined. Vice-captain of Tottenham. Ramos is apparently ‘bringing the best football out of him’. A major improvement in form since the Spaniards arrival. Twenty-four year old Jenas. Still young. An untouchable.

Let me tell you something about Jenas. The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world he existed.

Reliable? Reliably inconsistent.
Professional? So is Titus Bramble.
Disciplined? In the art of choking.
Vice-captain? Poster-boy.

Jenas is all hype. The epitome of our club. Our heartbeat, the foundation of what the team should be built on has two players in key positions made of plastic, melting under the spotlight.

But maybe it’s not all down to Jenas and Zokora. Berbatov’s bad influence has been cited by Ramos, and rejected by Woodgate. Mixed up the hymn sheets there chaps? Also, the gospel according to Juande, has Chelsea down as built to be champions or contenders in every trophy they care to enter, signing top-echelon stars from any team in the world, true cream of the crop stuff. And that we are not in their league. We are in a different league. Two clubs moving in slightly different directions. An admittance of frustration? I’m sure Ramos is laying in his bed wondering what happened to that expected flurry of furious transfer action before the window closed a few hours ago. I know I am.

Corluka, who actually passed a medical and wore a Spurs shirt for publicity photos a few weeks back finally, officially, signed on the dotted line. Cometh a new right-back to add to Hutton and Gunter. Who can also play in midfield and at centre-back. Not very well going by the tonkings City have got when he’s played outside of the RB position. £8.5M to ease Modric into London life? Where will he play once Hutton is back from injury is a mystery. I’d slot him into the DM position. Hell, why not? May as well give it a go. Got no one else.

Hmm. IP masking and proxy servers. Bit techie aren’t you Daniel? What are you browsing that amuses you so much? Need to move a little to the left, and zoom in for a better look.

So going into the final day, we found ourselves needing a DM and two forwards. Arshavin has now disposed Diego on the ‘most epic of epic Spurs transfer sagas’ list. It’s on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off. Zenit purchase Danny Miguel for £24M. On, off, on, off. There is utterly no point in trying to run through a timeline of events concerning this summer fiasco. Zenit, moving the goal posts on the value of their player. Spurs, on the face of it, ducking out of paying a few extra million. The player quoted as wanting to join us having spoken to Ramos. Agent talk that the deal is alive. And so onwards again with off, on, off, on, off, on. Never can you trust club officials to speak the truth, much like agents. So we were left in the hands of the ITK’s posting their information on message boards, everyone praying that the deal would go through.

‘Arshavin is 97.45% done. Actually, it’s more 97.22%, but if you’re in GMT then consider it 98.23% when the clock strikes quarter past now. Agent confident. We’ve made a bid. Medical the problem, due to time constraints. He’s apparently in Russia, where I’ve been informed, Zenit are based, but don’t quote me on that. 82% certainty of Zenits current location’.

Then Zenit tell everyone no deal. But apparently, they are fibbing. The ITK’s still claimed it was going to happen. Bid was made, but rejected. Spurs had apparently missed the window of opportunity to seal the deal. A three month window. Arshavin won’t be leaving in this transfer window. Obviously, as an ITK, if you read between the lines, this actually meant the deal is being done or more likely, Zenit are teasing Spurs for more money. I’m guessing the clue is in the word ‘rejected’. Who would have guessed? Once the ITK information grapevine evaporated, we found ourselves looking down into the barrel of a shotgun, about to fire a bullet of disappointment through our imagination.

No link up of Arshavin and Pav. We miss out on an attacking midfielder, something we are crying out for. So much effort to bring him in wasted. Falcao, Milito, Garcia....nothing other than cryptic promises from club insiders. The Veleso link also died, but then it just sounded like a rehash of an old story. No DM either then.

In the midst of all this, over at Middle Eastlands, the Arabs had landed. Suddenly, City were bidding for anyone and everyone. £30M+ for Berbatov. Villa another target along with the German Gomes. The new owners, showing intent and PR. We accept a bid for Berba. You are unlikely to say no, are you Daniel? So off he goes to meet Mark Hughes, but on the way up there he is greeted by Ferguson and co, rushed off to Old Trafford and has a medical and agrees personal terms. Without our permission, Berbatov meets with the manager of Manchester United. The delirium of City potentially hijacking the transfer fades into reality. Utd will get their man.

Zoom functionally at optimum. What the hell are you laughing at now Levy? What is that site?

So tick tock. It’s about twenty to eleven and no fee had been agreed with Utd at this point. City were on the verge of confirming Robinho as their man, having bid for him too. They do what we failed with Arshavin in the space of an afternoon. Midnight passes. And soon we are told that Berba has gone for £30.75M.

Now. Here’s where my confliction arises.

You have turned us into Utd’s bitch. A feeder club, supplying finely tuned players making a jump from UEFA Cup to Champions League. We hiss and fit, but always give in. Arnesen to Chelsea. Keane to Liverpool. And now Berbatov to Utd. Gone, is our complaint to the FA about their conduct. Barry is still a Villa player. Ronaldo, ironically, still at Old Trafford. But we lose Keane and Dimitar in quick succession. And as a further kick in the balls, while we’re already writhing in agony on the ground, Utd loan us Frazier Campbell, he of 15 goals for Hull City, fame. We are embarrassingly shambolic and weak. Spineless and greedy. Business before football our philosophy. Another attempt in ‘standing tall in the face of adversity’ shat on, as we allow Utd to bully us.

Remember your statement on the website when you first told the world about your complaint and Keane and Berbatov’s desire to leave? You mentioned seeking out quality replacements. You knew this was on the cards, yet gone midnight on transfer deadline day, we have a Championship quality forward joining us. If you wanted to do what Martin O’Neil and Ferguson did to Barry and Ronaldo respectively, and that’s ignore their announcements of wanting to leave, then it sort of fails to work if you actually end up selling both players. Just say no to the players. No to the pursuers. But then, a man with no principles simply can’t say no....no to money. Both Keane and Berba were on long term contracts. You do the math. You work it out. It’s happened three times, which means it’s surely going to happen again. And again.

Three long months to nail this player conundrum and we leave it till the last day to tidy up. If you look at what we’ve managed to lose since last season:

Berbatov. £30M
Keane. £20M.
Defoe. £8M.

Almost £60M made. With just £14M spent on Pavlechenko. A lot of change sitting deep in your pocket. Where was our Robinho bid?

All this deflected, momentarily, away from the fact that no DM was forthcoming either. Not sure I’ve mentioned that. So no ‘top class’ forward to help Bent and Pav. No DM. Just a player Ferguson deems not good enough to retain in his squad, for a year at least while he looks on to see if he can handle Premier life.

City, with a rejuvenated SWP and a Brazilian wonderkid, are looking a better bet than us for a crack at the top 4. Why do we wait until the last day? If you want a player, sign him when you want him. Waiting till the last day means you have no certain targets, which means Comolli isn’t doing his job.

One experienced striker available in Europe (Bent), joined by an inexperienced Campbell. Pav cup-tied. One injury and we are screwed.


Great, finally, you’re making another cup of tea which means I can see your laptop screen clearly......Oh. Look at that. You appear to be slumming it online. How drool.

So, anyway. That’s one perspective. But as incompetent as you are leading the club in signing players we need, excluding that, the Dimitar Dilemma is far more straight forward than the knee-jerk explanation everyone is crying about. Hysteria won’t blind my eyes to the obvious.

Ronaldo and Barry have never refused to play for the clubs. They are professionals (although time will tell how professional they are). Berbatov, ‘not in the right frame of mind’, has refused. It’s not been said out loud, but if you make yourself unselectable through sulking, then it counts. And that, regardless of who you are and what you may have achieved or how important or good a player you are, makes you a certified outcast. Keeping a player of this ilk is an insult to the club and fans. He's been sulking since last season over a move.

Keane, respectfully, asked to leave and was allowed to do so, because at £20M you have to bite Rafa’s hand off.

So how did the Berba move pan out? How did you mastermind the transfer of the century? Simply by using the old trusted “tapping up” accusation trick as a scare tactic and bargaining chip. You did it with Chelsea. You did it with Liverpool. And you did it with Utd.

No fee agreed With Utd before 11:40pm on Monday. Fee agreed with City. Yet over at OT Berba is having his medical. What business did he have being there if there was no permission granted? No matter. The fee would be bumped up for Utd to pay extra for the privilege of avoiding a tribunal where they could have potentially lost points for their illegal approach. Sure, people can blame the Arabs for bidding £30M if they want, but the facts can’t be disputed, even if SSN and everyone else want to avoid saying it out loud.

See, I know your game. You drive the biggest price you can when flogging players and you threaten legal action. Utd must have forked out around £6M in ‘admin fees’ for the Bulgarian. Hush money. Immunity.

Why didn’t Fergie just pay the original £28M or so you wanted? Because he thought he could mug you off. He thought come deadline day, you would cave in and sell him in a cut-price deal of about £20M.

I can see it. Everyone, if they can be bothered to look can see it. Deciphering the Da Levy code is easy. You know that pushing a complaint through to the Prem League or FA will come to nothing because dare they even try to shake up a member of the Top Four ™. But in this case, more so than the dossier that apparently doesn't contain enough evidence, on the basis of 'no permission granted', the authorities would have to investigate how this transfer run its course. You dropped the original tapping up complaint, and got paid off for last night’s approach.

£5M or so from Chelsea for Frank. £1M from Liverpool to the Spurs Foundation and a hefty £20M fee. And a massive fee exceeding £30M from Utd. And what if City had not bid? No matter. Spurs would not have accepted a bid from Utd, had it not meet the estimation. So the entrapment would always happen. And you knew it. It was guaranteed on deadline day that Berbatov would travel to OT and would talk illegally to Utd.

Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe for the past several months you’ve been working behind the scenes to bring Frazier Campbell to the club and used the Berbatov situation as a smoke screen in securing the ‘final piece of the jigsaw’.

You truly are a Dark Lord of the Yidth. And there is my conflict. You got rid of a bad apple for a lot of money on your terms. You did 'good'.

But you failed to strengthen the team further during the last day of the window. Doesn't matter about the summer transfers, it's the last day that counts more.

In 2006, we sold Carrick to Utd. You got as much as you could out of Utd, but we were left scrambling for a replacement. In 2007 we needed a winger, a DM and a CB – and got Kevin Prince-Boateng and Kaboul. And in 2008 we sign three ‘playmakers’, one defender and two forwards. Doesn’t sound bad, but it’s an ask waiting for Pav and Bent to do a Berba/Keane combo, and it’s a bigger ask to place our hopes on Bent and Campbell in the UEFA Cup. One up front or two upfront? And still no sodding DM.

I’m sure the panel of pricks over at Sky Sports will be gutted you didn’t part with Berbatov for £20M.

But the fact is, as good as you are in deception and treachery in transfer politics of outgoing players, you are failing to usher in the totalitarian Tottenham Empire. The team, in key areas, is still weak. And your public perception leaves doubt in peoples mind.

Allow me to quote you:

“In case anyone is under the impression that we are a selling club, I should like to once again stress the policy and position of this club. We are building for the future - we are NOT a selling club.

There is a world of difference between a player who has a short period left on his contract and could look to leave on a free transfer, and a player with a long contract.

If, as we do, you have players on long contracts and the finances of the club are strong, you have no need to sell.

I am happy for anyone to judge this club by who we sell and who we don't. Our ability to attract and retain top-class players is key to our ambition to compete at the highest level - regularly in Europe and with our sights set on Champions League qualification."

Carrick. Keane. Berbatov.

Do you understand now why I’m conflicted and confused? 9 in, 9 out this season. For the money made, I expected more. More attacking midfielders and strikers. And a world class defensive midfielder. Sure, everyone was fine pre-season with the squad, but three games in, it’s obvious we are simply not good enough. Is Ramos truly content with having Pav, Bent and Campbell as his strike force? Should we expect more managerial turmoil soon? Will Poyet who looks unhappy in post match interviews walk?

And what do you plan to do with all that money? Fill your indoor swimming pool with the cash and dive in head first, rejoicing a healthy profit margin? I’m sure a debauched orgy with the directors and shareholders will follow at some point. Bagels sprinkled with cocaine and hookers wearing nothing but Spurs home kit socks.

Before I arrived here, to your manor, and positioned myself in this here undergrowth, I spent the day out and about. Quietly policing the vicinity around the Lodge. Out of sight. Waiting. Watching. We wouldn’t just want anyone turning up to Chigwell. The bloke in the tree wasn’t going to pose a problem. I found him mumbling, in some kind of trance, saying ‘Klass-Jan Huntelaar’ over and over again as he rocked backwards and forwards. He was no threat to my plan.

So I waited. And when required, for which I was, I did what needed to be done. I made a judgement call. I got rid of a newly arrived unwanted guest heading towards the Lodge.

See I bleed Tottenham. But you, on a night when Spurs fans are bemoaning the lack of £20M superstar signing, you’re posting on a message board and laughing your silly little bald pale-face off, enjoying yet another homebrew and biscuit. And what kind of username is w8campbell anyway? Could you not think of anything more original?

Fuck this. I’m out of here. Operation Shit Through Levy’s Letterbox is a no go. I repeat a no go.

You are devious Levy, like my good self. But you are not ‘complete’. You have far too many flaws. You do the hard stuff easy, but fumble with the simple things. I’m conflicted no more. We all know what happens to Palpatine.

Doing what needs to be done is something we both strive for. You got the money you wanted for Berbatov but you failed to assist Ramos and Poyet with additional players. As for me, I did what had to be done to avert a potentially catastrophic disaster.

And it’s in the boot of my car. The big soft lump. I did you a favour, that’s for sure. Because if I allowed the medical to happen, it would have been a mistake too far.

Time to switch the microphone off. I’ve got a long drive to Wigan ahead of me. I have something that belongs to them.