This epiphany crystallised all that I could see before me. This was no longer White Hart Lane. The men in Lilywhite were no longer just ordinary men in shirts, shorts and socks. I could only stand back and marvel at the clarity of the truth that seemed to come out of nowhere like an optic blast, rendering me unconscious. And when I awoke, I could see everything for what it was.
Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.
These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with pathetic abilities which generally manifest themselves in most games post Carling Cup final.
Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).
The S-Men have been funded by the the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, helping to train young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect themselves from Wengeto, the Head-Hunters and other such threats like away games and hotel food.
Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, aided by Cerebrolli which helps him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their former Wembley glory and their black and white forefathers.
This is the...........
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Bald King, The Master of Money
Abilities: Capable of increasing season tickets every year, consuming all the negative backlash, and still managing to sell-out all the seats in the ground. Has ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced club merchandise. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of victories over other clubs reserve teams and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.
The Special Juan
Notable aliases: Juande Ramos, The 11 Club Man
Abilities: Oversees curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the mathematics of ‘scoring as many as we concede’. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Ramos altered reality with three simple words “Make me dizzy”. Suddenly Spurs won silverware with the same crop of players that were failing miserably in the league. However, the reality warp has now faded, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle. His powers appear weak at the present moment. His leadership has also been questioned with his continued selection of the S-Men.
Species: Goalkeeper and David James understudy
Notable aliases: Paul Robinson, England’s number six
Alter-ego: England’s Number, circa 2006
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry, able to instruct defenders into positions that will near enough guarantee the ball to pass him into the back of the net. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. Fires concussive force of abuse from mouth at everyone other than himself when looking to blame someone for another calamity. Has the uncanny ability to absorb confidence and turn it to shit. A master strategist and tactician at masterstroking a loss of at least 20 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition.
Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. Because of his abilities, Spurs fans believe him to be cursed (see Carling Cup Final misses) as he involuntarily fucks up time and time again. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is able to run with the ball in one direction and dance.
Species: Creative Midfielder
Notable aliases: Adel Taarabt, Zidane II
Abilities: ‘World class’ (as defined by Spurs fans) mental footballing processing, including perfect footwork and the power to make the ball stick to his feet. Best suited for reserve games and the playground, rather than Premiership games which usually result with loss of possession, counter-attack and opposition goal. Part of the New S-Men group (which includes The False Prince Boateng, Danny Invisible Rose and Gareth Sicknote), hopes not to go the way of Blondel, Marney and Jackson who were all ousted from the Institute for being over-rated*.
The £8Million Man
Notable aliases: Younes Kaboul, future French international
Abilities: Great strength and stamina with the ability to become almost unstoppable while in motion. That’s unstoppable in the same way the ‘Keystone Cops’ were. Is able to create sheer panic and pandemonium in the stands simply by being in the starting line-up. Suggestions that he is in fact Timothee Atouba with a masking cloak has never been proved or disproved.
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wants to leave the S-Men, and is looking to marauder his way out of the Institute this summer. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.
Species: Defender, allegedly
Notable aliases: Michael Dawson
Abilities: Energy absorption and projection, which allows him to feed off others around him who posses actual ability. Otherwise, instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’
Notable aliases: Dimitar Berbatov
Abilities: Genius level intelligence, reflexes, coordination, balance and brain-speed with the ability to create something out of nothing....which is usually a disillusional strop or waving of hands around in disgust. Has telepathic abilities, but fails to project them onto others around him. Likes to meditate, usually during a game. This results with lack of tracking back and willingness to chase the ball down/win the ball back. Also has the ability to transcend to another plane. Some say the next time he does this it will be a plane to Manchester.
Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Has recently gone missing (in a mission of self-discovery some say) to return to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.
Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: By far the most physically strongest S-Man. Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Other than that, no longer has Ketchup and mayo with his food.
Notable aliases: Aaron Lennon
Abilities: Runs really really fast. Shaved eyebrow. Ability to stick to the by-line until losing the ball or falling over. Also has talent to blend into the shadows of opposing defenders. Has been suggested he possesses the power to remain at the same point in space and time while everything and everyone around him progress, develop and move on.
There we have it. The S-Men. There are others in reserve. But this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the aim to impress The Special Juan. Well, you'd think they would be, but after Sunday's performance you'd do right to think otherwise. Will they avoid decimation?
Stay tuned to find out.