The Incredible Huddlestone

Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part III


Incredible or just plain ordinary?

The supervolcano under the Yellowstone Park has been fairly consistent, erupting on schedule every 600,000 years or so. Considering the caldera is the size of the park itself, when it’s erupted in the past, to say that it bestowed apocalyptic disaster upon Gods green earth is putting it mildly. It's been 640,000 years since the last time it coughed up lava, so we are due another one pretty soon if you go on its timetable from the past three million years. Although geologists don't actually know with any certainty if it will happen again because apparently the molten below is cooling off and the reoccurring eruptions might have reached the end of their schedule. If so, it might be a million years or more before Mother Nature wakes it up. It might never erupt again.

Tom Huddlestone is a supervolcano.

He's big, doesn't move much but when he does he melts the oppositions defence with devastating consequences. But it doesn't happen often. You might be lucky to witness this marvel once every 10 games or so. When the next one is due, I couldn't say.

Actually, scrap this particular analogy. I've no idea where it's going, and I'd rather limit the amount of Partridge-isms I'm guilty of from one week to the next. So let's try this again.

Tom Huddlestone is a fat Glenn Hoddle.

No.

Tom Huddlestone is like a lighthouse. Stationary, but manages to light up all before him.

No, no.

Tom Huddlestone is our Dr Manhattan. Big and powerful, but understated and misunderstood.

No, no, no!

Ok. Analogies scrapped. Stick to facts.

Tom Huddlestone is not the most mobile of players.
Tom Huddlestone is a very decent passer of the ball.
Tom Huddlestone has a cracking shot.
Tom Huddlestone is technically good.
Tom Huddlestone is versatile.

But is Tommy too slow, cumbersome and defensively a liability? Or is that an unfair description for the player, where his strengths are of a more offensive nature? If you stick him in the middle of the park and the Spurs midfield are under pressure, can he step up and get stuck in, much like the maligned Jenas is capable of doing (when he's on song) by running up and down the pitch and hassling opposition players?

It's the job of Palacios or Zokora (shudder) to bite the ankles of the opposing players and break down their attack or reclaim possession. But that doesn't mean other players shouldn't pull their weight (ouch). Lennon is superb at times, in nicking the ball back for us. It's not so much a case of getting stuck in though, is it? He's played centre-back in the past and he's got involved turning defence into attack, with a touch here and a 30 yard pass there. You can defend brilliantly by sending the ball across one side of the pitch to the other with the outside of the foot, releasing your winger or forward and giving the defence time to re-organise.

But what happens before the ball is back in our possession and we are on the backfoot? And there are questions around consistency. There is an argument that Tom does put in a shift, it's just that compared to others, it doesn't resemble one.

The problem with Tom is that he is far less dynamic than many players of similar ilk (creative/playmaking midfielders). Which means he is far weaker in less offensive areas than any other midfielder we have. Carrick could defend well, wasn't exactly fast, but was mobile. Pace, or more so mobility, is important. He doesn't have any. Or more to the point, to quote about a thousand websites, he turns slower than the QE2.

Tom is quite similar to Jermaine Jenas in the way of potential. Both highly rated as youngsters, both possessing qualities that are admirable. But are both over-hyped? Or do they excel in some areas, but not enough in others to be considered complete?

Tom is a regular for the U-21’s and performs well, chipping in with a goal every now and again. But he’s not a regular for Spurs. But does chip in with plenty of assists and a few goals when he does turn out in Lilywhite. Why? Just because he can deliver clever balls and Hoddlesque passes, does this warrant an inclusion in our starting line-up? And if it does, what would it mean to the structure and balance of the team? Well, for starters, the team would have to be built around him. Or at least compensate for his deficiencies. So Palacios responsibility would be to clear the area allowing Tom to play Quarterback.

Now, this might work if, let’s say, Tom was as talented as Hoddle. To make a player the main creative outlet of the team he has to be something a bit special, and I’m not sure he’s that good, potentially or otherwise. Comparing anyone to Hoddle is blatantly unfair, so to re-word the above, I'd say that to build the team around one player they have to be, unquestionable, class - if not 'world class'.

Not to say I would not like to see him given a chance. But it’s asking a little too much for someone like Tom to 'carry the team'. It’s a bit like asking us to build the team around Bent by playing football like Charlton Athletic did in the days they resided in the Premiership - just because we all know he can score goals when on the break. Bent has a knack of doing so, but doesn’t offer enough to slot into a variety of forward roles which is required depending on the opposition. He’s a bit one dimensional. But what of Huddlestone? (not one dimensional, I'd go with a beefy 3D figure, tbh).

Even little Modric (did take his time to adjust which is understandable) gets involved with some of the dirty work – but he’s no defensive midfielder. So unless Huddlestone actually has an overwhelming negative influence on the team, there is no reason why he can’t play centre-midfield in a role that takes full advantage of his vision and skills.

Yes? Or no?

It’s a conundrum this one for the simple fact that he doesn’t play often enough. Let’s say Jermaine Jenas did not exist (I’ll give you a moment to climb down off your desk and pull your pants up and compose yourself........). Huddlestone would possibly get a more sustained opportunity to impress. The more games, the bigger the confidence, the better the communication on the pitch is with team mates. Coming off the bench, he’ll always be a decent impact player simply because of his sharp passing. But from his personal perspective, he’d want more than that. I want more than that. We all do.

Imagine if you will (I'm in fantasy mode today), Tom Huddlestone in Claret and Blue. Easy now. It's just a fantasy. He’d probably play every single week. That’s just an opinion, and West Ham fans might accuse me of over-rating him and that he’d never get into their team. Maybe. Possibly. But I guess that’s the point. He’s good enough, but good enough for whom? He is definitely good enough for someone. At some point in the next year or two, he'll need to be far more involved otherwise his progression will stagnate. Unless of course, what you see is what you get. Maybe there is no improvement coming. So, would you argue that his passing is that good, we can't afford to lose him? Or that the only thing he has is his passing ability and it isn't enough to claim a centre-midfield pairing - arguably one of the most important positions in the team.

Tactically, a manager will want his strongest 11 starting every week. Let’s say that includes Palacios and Jenas in the centre. If Jenas was unavailable, would Huddlestone slot in and give us the same type of thing, or more to the point, would he give us something that amounts to the same positive for the flow of the side?

Much like Jenas, he is good at some things, and not so good at others. Much like, well, most players. The trick is to maximise his abilities, getting the best out of him which will benefit the team. Harry has managed to do this with Lennon, a player who had an outstanding season, followed by a low-key one, and his now back to the type of form his potential has been screaming out for.

So how do we maximise Tommy boy?

Huddlestone - the quarterback? Sat in the middle laying off balls to both wings or dinking them forwards, with Wilson in the role of fullback, protecting him. Sounds immense on paper. And we've seen it in patches. I remember, when he first really started to push for a place at Spurs I considered him and Cesc Fabregas as the brightest midfield talents in the UK. Compare the two now. Ok, so Fabregas is a horrible arrogant piece of classless muck, but his ability as a footballer is unquestionable. But sadly the difference is fairly astronomical. The mucks influence is superior as is his general mobility. But one plays every week (when fit) the other is not first choice and excels (much like Jenas) against lesser opposition. But has done epically against the bigger teams too. Just not as often as, let's say, the scum that is Cesc.

Our midfield has always lacked spin. Palacios has brought us that. Lennon outstanding on one wing, Modric covering the other. So does Huddlestone - passing abilities aside - give us enough strength and assurance down the middle? Can he adapt to the pace of the game and the quality of the opposition? When he dictates, he is superb. And its those moments that have us asking the questions about his worth to the team. When the emphasis is with the opposition, that's when the concerns creep in.

If Huddlestone is around 60% of what we need from a player and Jenas is about 68% , then possibly both are nothing more than squad players and that we need to look at bringing in a more complete player, someone who is around the 80% mark and above. Someone like Carrick who gave us more than enough of everything. Or someone better. That’s no easy task. So an option would be to stick him in the team and run with it and just see where it takes us. If the talent is there and needs developing then first team appearances will answer the questions.

There’s also the option of playing Modric in the middle. But if we did, how would this improve on a Palacios-Jenas combination or a Palacios-Huddlestone pairing?

More on this in Part IV.

In conclusion, Hudd does offer us something but if a player doesn't scream out 'FIRST TEAM REGULAR' just by looking at him, and you have to pose questions, then it's likely that he isn't quite what's required - simply because of the doubts. To counter that, if a player isn't given a chance, then he won't be any nearer to proving he can do the job. Sometimes players do not fit into certain teams because of the way the team plays. Which is why Tommy is as a luxury.

If Jenas and Zokora can play so often for us and be considered first team regulars - with all the doubts and concerns around their abilities (or lack of) then maybe it is only fair to give Tom a chance.

If it was the 1980's, he'd be a superstar.


Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part I

Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part II

And now for a commercial break....

"I categorically deny that I spat at anybody after the match. I have never done this in my whole career on the pitch, so why would I do it when I am not even playing?" - Cesc Fabregas.





We believe you Cesc. We all believe you.

Happy with Harry?

If you frequent Spurs message boards you'll have probably seen the rather special version of the league table with the Lilywhites sitting pretty in 7th place. What's that? We're not seventh? Oh yes we are. If the Premiership began on October 21st we'd be just three points behind Arsenal and seven points off a Champions League place. This alternate reality is one I would very much like to visit. Next season, yeah?

As superfluous as this table of accumulated points since Redknapp's arrival is in the real world, it does illustrate that we haven't done too badly under his man-management. Even more so when you consider that the reason we didn't pull ourselves out of the mire sooner was due to that dismal patch of successive away games that saw us lose points in the dying moments. Lack of concentration that has since been fixed.

It's taken some time to get here. Where here is, I can't say for certain, but it's better than sitting in or just above the bottom three. If anything, for psychological reasons. We can still be pulled back, but it's unlikely. Class, it seems, always manages to shine through in the end.

At times it didn't look likely, but that's more down to our lack of patience and general emotional knee-jerks. Whether you like Harry and his media-whoring or not, there is no doubt that he (unlike 'couldn't wait to get the hell out of here' Ramos) appears to care a little bit more about progression even if he does have his own personal agenda. Who cares as long as Spurs improve as a team.

The Honeymoon Period

When you sack a manager and bring in a new one you are reliant on the textbook reaction players tend to give when there's a new man at the helm, but that is not always enough. Thankfully, Harry got us plenty of points which arguably become the foundation to re-build the confidence of the team. That's plenty of points in games we did not really expect to win or even draw. Did we ride our luck? Yes. But luck tends to fall into your lap when you go out seeking for it. Prior to his arrival we looked a sorry bunch, completely absorbed in our own self pity.


Fortress White Hart Lane

We still need to turn some of the draws into wins, but we are no longer a soft touch at home. Get points at the Lane, and half of the job is done. It's the basis of any team looking to do well. In our case we needed to the points thanks largely to the fact that our away form required major surgery, which took several weeks to complete.


Aaron Lennon

I doubt Aaron is playing well because Spurs spent £15M on David Bentley. His (Bentleys) performances will not exactly inspire others to excel. Harry should take the plaudits for getting Lennon back on song. Absolutely no doubting it, he'll be the fans player of the year this term. Under Ramos, Lennon was one dimensional and without intent and purpose. Under Harry he has been a relentlessly outlet of speed and not so perfect but getting there end-product. It's the best we've seen from the lad.


Addressing the fundamentals

No steel in midfield? In comes Wilson. Need something extra up front? In comes Defoe. As a consequence of his injury, in came Robbie Keane too. How both will fit in when JD is back from his lay-off will take some hefty man-management skills to resolve but it's something I'm certain Harry will deal with, let's say, diplomatically. His handling of the Gomes situation, equally impressive. Signing Cudicini was an inspired choice as we can finally say there's competition for the number one jersey. Modric found himself finally playing in a position that allows him dictate and create. King playing in Prem games rather than UEFA matches. Jenas and Zokora more responsible when tasked with 'jobs to do'.

Harry has tinkered here there and everywhere to find the right balance through the team. With a little bit of luck and confidence returning, the team has naturally improved with each passing game. The Chimbonda signing (decent cover if he bothers to stick the effort in) might be the only shrug thus far. But (even those its a mockery) re-signing Keane has proved to be a justified transfer.

Tactics

Took some tweaking to settle for his 'best' 11, but seems to understand the necessity of retaining a consistent team selection - one that can grow in terms of effectiveness with each passing game. I'm repeating myself.

He doesn't squad rotate for the sake of it. Liked how he subbed Zokora for Corluka the other day when it become apparent that Zoko could not cope with Young. Compare that to some of Juande's random subs. And there seems to be a far more evident game plan. Yes, we've had to endure one or two 4-5-1's here and there. But that was a stop-gap rather than a solution.


Overall, he is doing the job he was paid to do. At the start of next season he won't be able to remind us (about 6000 times per week) that Spurs only had 2 points when he joined. What happens in the summer (and yes, I do know this season still has a few games to go) will be vital. He should not look to overhaul the squad. Maybe one or two key changes, but starting from scratch is best avoided. We have a decent defence. Decent forward line-up. It just needs a bit of tweaking here and there.

What do we do with David Bentley? This season is a complete write-off, but discarding him would be callous and a little premature. Even if he has been a non-event on the pitch. Once he starts doing the basics and playing like a footballer rather than attempting to be a superstar, things will come good for him.

King? Retiring? Don't believe the twisted rumours. He'll continue to be our part-time God at the back. Gareth Bale reclaiming form a priority IMO.

And as for dos Santos and Adel? Like to see both of them back at the Lane and in the first team squad. £4.7M is a lot of money to spend on a mistake. He should be given the opportunity in a more stable side. Adel is a player who needs to start more games. I'm hoping he has a storming loan at QPR.

Bent is likely to go. All eyes on Pav who needs to show us all what he is capable of after a good summers rest. I'm hoping he has a bit more buzz about him when 100% sharp.

Personally, and I'm sure most would agree, the most important thing is how we handle ourselves in the transfer market. We've overspent on the wrong type of players far too many times. But with no DoF and having re-signed (almost) everyone we sold the summer before - it's down to both Harry and Levy to make sure that we bring in players because they are unequivocally required.

I'll concern myself with all these points of discussion again after we see ourselves through the final 9 games of the season.

Triffic.

The Curious Case of Jermaine Jenas

Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part II

Understanding the Goldfish

Jermaine Jenas is pretty much like the Bermuda Triangle. You know there's something in there, but it's completely lost. I remember when he was at Forest and how highly rated he was. Newcastle signed him and I can quite clearly remember being gutted about it. There was something exicting about him. A bit special dare I say. Get hold of a player with a good energetic engine who can run box to box, and you've potentially got a gem. Which is what Newcastle appeared to have. But things turned sour up at St James Park and Jenas looked towards London as an escape route.

When we signed him, many Spurs fans shrugged with uncertainty. At the time, we had a few central midfielders and arguably there were other areas that required assessment and improvement in the way of incoming transfers. Yet whilst Mendes, Davis, Murphy, Ghaly, Tainio have all been and gone - Jenas is still with us. Regardless of the manager at the helm (Jol, Ramos, Redknapp) they all rate him highly as do his team mates. Even Jose found the time to slot JJ into his fantasy football team. Yet many fans (Spurs or otherwise) just don't quite get the hype surrounding him and are basing this on what he produces on the pitch. But still, he is practically undroppable and always considered a first team regular. He also gets a fair share of England call-ups.

So why is it that a Spurs fan can't say with any certainty that Jermaine Jenas is a top drawer quality player?

What makes it even more confusing is when Jenas doesn't play. We seem to lack a certain something in midfield and yet when he does play we only ever dwell or notice his mistakes and errors. Unless of course, he plays very well and scores. We like him when he does that.

So is it simply our perception of the player? Is his work ethic understated? Bit like Carrick was initially. To agree with this, would be an act of self-patronising. Football fans (well, most of us) are not daft and read the game well. We haven't played the game, but that doesn't mean we are blind to it's finer details. We can spot a decent player and his worth to the side. We can right? I mean football, at a fundamental level, is fairly basic. It can't be that difficult to work out how productive Jenas is. Is it?

Is it? Yes. It appears so.

Jenas is the first one to be tagged scapegoat when things don't quite go right. He's an easy target for the boo-boys. But why exactly? Does he try less than everyone else? Is he responsible for the team not playing well when he doesn't perform?

A player is either crap, average, good, very decent, great or world class. Yet Jenas is very decent as far as people in the game are concerned and between crap and good if you listen to the fans. Well, the problem and frustrations - at least from the fans perspective - is that we all know Jenas could be great or close to it. Maybe not great, but very very good. I'm defining that by what we - in the stands - consider to be top drawer, rather than what a manager or a team mate thinks.

Someone like Ledley King for example, is a great player for Tottenham. Why? Well he not only excels at what he does, he does it consistently and makes a massive difference when in the side. And his errors are so rare, you can count them on one hand. But not everyone can be of Ledders high standard. Which means fans are likely to be have less patience for someone who is not as good. And equally so for someone who could be a lot better. But with King, there is no mistaking his quality. You can assess Dawson in the same manner and conclude that although he has clumsy moments, on form (and high on confidence) he is an excellent defender. But with Jenas, its all a bit clouded. Everyone is in agreement (management and players and fans) regarding King. It's not the same case with JJ.

The fact is, Jenas has all the qualities you would wish to bestow on a midfielder. He's an outstanding athlete. He can cover every blade of grass, such is the lads energy levels. He can tackle, he can pass (I'll come back to this, so stop laughing) and he has a knack of getting into the box at the right time to claim a goal (much like he did against Villa on Sunday). He's pulsating when he surges forward and you can clearly understand why people cite him as a box to box player because he can get stuck in at both ends of the pitch. We miss him when he doesn't play because he can be the connection between the midfield and attack (not so relient on this nowadays thanks to Modric).

Box to box is also another way of tagging a player who is not quite a DM and not an out and out attacking midfielder (or simply a 'complete' midfielder). I say not quite, because even though Jenas has all the qualities, for prolonged periods of time they are all wrapped up in potential. He's potentially this, he's potentially that can only get you so far before people start to question why it remains all boxed up and hardly ever displayed.

Lampard is not the worlds greatest footballer. Talent wise. But he scores plenty of goals and his work rate and influence on the game is up there with the best. Sure, he has had some excellent players doing the donkey work around him, meaning that he can express himself as he wishes out on the pitch. Gerrard is far more complete than Lampard is - although you'd still get people slag off the both of them for being over-rated. But the fact remains they both scrub up well defensively and both create and score goals.

Now compare Jenas to the both of them. You might think its a redundant exercise to do so, but Jenas is meant to be of similar ilk to the two aforementioned players. He possess all the same qualities they do. At least that's what the label says.

Jenas has the engine, he has a bit of everything defensively and offensively but he does not excel in any of his abilities to the standard and consistency of Lampard of Gerrard. Now and again he does stick in a class performance. Whether its a high octane running of the show with a goal or two or a digging deep and battling hard fought display - he can play to a very high standard. But not week in, week out. Even though Lampard and Gerrard might not do it to a very high standard every single week - they do it infinitely more times than Jenas ever does.

Jenas is dynamic...at times.
He has all-round abilities. He can defend and attack. He scores goals and assists.
Stamina? An abundance of it.
Can he tackle, pass and shoot? Arguably, yes.
Can he retain possession? Debatable.

Being able to do a bit of everything is just half of what's required. The rest is all in the head. He has decent awareness and vision, but his passing doesn't always come off the way it should. What he also lacks is the most important element that is required. Confidence. Tinged with arrogance.

Jermaine simply doesn't believe he is as good as people tell him he is. So regardless of all the abilities you might possess, if you can't display them when it matters, then the excuse that the potential is there is nothing more than a day dream that will never come true.

Jermaine Jenius

His composure and concentration lag behind when he is low on self-esteem. We've seen how plenty of times his performance has degraded when the crowd have got on top of him when his has been below-par. On other occasions he has has run the show, scored scorchers and has everyone beaming with pride.

Jenas lacks basic mental strength. And because of the expectations we have, it's far more apparent when he misplaces a pass. His general lack of consistency means on occasions he also misses a tackle or just backs away from one altogether. On other days, he is relentless. And because its so obvious when Jenas is on form and not on it, nobody tends to notice if he is in-between the two. Again, if you look at the Villa game - although he scored - he worked hard in midfield, made one or two mistakes in possession, but put in a good shift for the team. He does this quite often, and many tend to ignore the work, other than say his manager and team mates and the odd fan. The rest ask what it is exactly he does for the team.

You've probably read that and disagreed with me, proclaiming Jenas was average/poor on Sunday. It's a tricky one this. One fan says one thing, the next the complete opposite. Yet both fans witnessed the same game.

You can probably pick out any other current Spurs player - past or present - and you'll find it easier to state whether said player is/was a decent for us. Apart from say Darren Bent who also splits Spurs fans into differing sections of opinion much like JJ does.

So we basically have a player who chokes/suffers from mental blocks. A player who can have an outstanding game, but usually against lesser teams. A player who looks a lot worse when he does play poorly virtue to the fact that so much more is expected from him. When he doesn't play, we tend to lack a spark in midfield. When he does play, he frustrates people with his see-saw composure but can also delight thousands with moments of magic.

He can pass. He can't pass. He can tackle, he can't tackle. He goes missing, he runs the show. The bloke is an enigma. Or maybe he isn't. Maybe Jenas is simply an average player who excels now and again rather than a player with all the ability in the world who doesn't show it week in week out because he lacks belief. There's a difference between the two. The latter can become a great player, the former never will.

Maybe its more simplistic than that. Maybe JJ's abilities are not good enough to match his awareness of play. Or maybe its the other way around and his decision making is shabby and erratic and he panics and goes for the wrong ball/pass/shot.

So what of Jenas and our current midfield? Having signed Wilson Palacios - a far better proposition for the DM position than Zokora - can Jenas (with the man-management of Harry Redknapp) discover self-expression in a more balance side and sustain it? If he does partner Wilson, then Modric has to drift in from the left-hand side (his under-rated versatility coming in handy), which makes him a little less effective than possibly starting alongside the Panther in centre-mid. Or does having Modric on the left-hand side mean that the responsibility of creative outlet is down to him and Jenas role is simply to hassle the opposition midfield (aiding Palacios) and support the forward line while Wilson sweeps up and protects the defence? Having an enforcer in the centre of the park would allow Jenas to wonder forward more directly (box to box) and cause a bit of trouble for the opposition. Something he did more than well against Villa.

Jenas role in the side has to be defined but as the side continues to evolve under Harry and the midfield begins to take shape we'll know if having him in the middle with Palacios is the way forward.

Some would suggest that Huddlestone should be given the opportunity. Yes, Huddlestone. You know, the big bloke with anchors for feet. More on that particular discussion in Part III.

Definition of Jenas role placed aside, there's still the questions concerning his self-confidence. If he doesn't get over it, he'll always yo-yo between the acclaims and the boo-boys. At the minute, that's good enough for a place in the Spurs team.

Can't say I'm any closer to solving this particular conundrum.



Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part I

Villa 1 Spurs 2 - Snapshot review

A lickle match report following on from the minute-to-minute coverage of the game:

Well done to all. Great team performance. Especially the second half.

Well done to Harry for the selection and half time team talk. Thought we weathered the storm really well in the first half and taking Zokora off who struggled to handle Young was a great decision. Team looked very balanced in comparison to previous away day outings.

Modric drifting in from the left and Lennon absolutely the sex on the right wing. Wonderful unplayable ball into the box for Jenas to get his head onto. Keane is Keane. Dropping deep, pushing forward. And Bent deserves some credit today for his work ethic especially with the counter-attacks we mustered up. Guess his agent told him to put himself in the shop window, considering it was live on tv. Yes, 15 goals. But let's be honest. This game is exactly what Bent lives off. Counter-attacking football, running down the channels. Slow the game down to something a little more intelligent, and he struggles. Still, for this type of away day job, it was a job well done.

Jenas performed very well today. There, I said it out loud. Palacios not so great but forgiveable. I'm talking about his passing which was at times clumsy and sloppy. He still hasn't performed to the standard of the Arsenal home match but was fairly strong today and worked well with JJ. Modric had his moments, but was relatively quiet compared to what we know he can do. But these are not complaints. They all deserve credit.

As for the defence, BAE was superb. King and Woodgate, brick walls. The only leak came when Carew beat Woody for the Villa consolation goal late on.

Midfield improved immensely in the second half, but I guess Villa made it a little easy for us to boss it. Still need to work on our possession play and when the games pace is slowed down we sometimes struggle to adapt.

Great to see us being ultra-pro with the time wasting at the death. Nice to be in that position and work it a little to guarantee no late show heartbreak.

Fantastic three points. Villa look dicked for 4th spot now. Three points off 8th spot. Four points off 7th. Six points off the bottom three. Happy days.

Villa v Spurs - Live text blog coverage

Coverage of the Villa v Spurs game in BBCesque minute-by-minute commentary will be attempted. Guess it's dependent on whether I'm busy throwing furniture at the walls and cursing the footballing Gods.

Team news? Well, Zoko looks set for the right-back position in place of out-of-form Corluka. BAE at left-back. Someone remind me again why we signed Chimbonda? King and Woody in the centre for us and Darren Bent starts with Keane up front.

Do we ever win up there? Hardly. Do they have players that might cause us the odd problem or three? Yes. Ashley Young. Too expensive for us at £8M.

Sigh.

Need Palacios, Jenas, Modric and Lennon to be completely on song this afternoon.

So, be back here for 4pm for the alternative text update of the game.

This blog article will be updated every few minutes from 4pm onwards.


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15:57 - Captain Obvious with this statement, but as long as the defence hold it together and the midfield look to push the ball forward and attack (rather than sit back and pass the ball sideways) we might have a chance of nicking something here. I fancy Villa to come out all guns blazing. We need to avoid conceding anything silly in the first 20 minutes. Another blatantly obvious statement is - the chances we do get presented with - need to be slotted away. You hear that Darren? Between the sticks thank you very much.

16:04 - VILLA 0 SPURS 1. Lovely! After a fiery start to the game (couple of offside decisions against Villa, and a deflected harmless shot from Palacios), Lennon whips in a great cross which Friedel helps onto JJ's head. 1-0. Great stuff from us. Nice tempo and pressure. Our players looking up for it. This is going to be tasty.

16:10 - This is taken from the BBC website:

The boy has been on fire recently and Aaron Lennon is the man of the moment again. The flying winger roasts Zat Knight down the right-hand side and whips in a great cross that Paul Robinson can only palm straight to Jermaine Jenas, the midfielder heading in from close range to give Spurs the dream start.

Hmm.

16:11 - Villa have woken up. As expected, they are the ones applying the pressure now. Dealing with it fine. Have to watch that boy Young. Tight marking please.

16:13 - What was I saying? Young ghosts past Zokora, lays it off, ball pings about and is is eventually cleared after a shot on goal from Barry. Open game at the minute. We are not looking too shabby. Need to get the ball to Lennon more.

16:16 - Bloody hell. What did Harry stick in their pre-match water? Wonderful Robbie Keane ball releasing Darren Bent who cut inside and almost pulled the trigger but was brilliantly tackled. Ball falls to man of the moment JJ who has a crack, but it's well blocked.

16:20 - Almost 20 minutes on the clock. Villa dominating possession wise, but we look useful when pushing forward. Young is the key for them. Always looks dangerous.

16:23 - Is it too much for me to ask for a cheeky second goal? Maybe a Jenas scissor-kick or a Bent chip? Villa caught offside again. They will get the run of play at some point.

16:27 - Sideshow Bob defending well for us. Villa still pressing forward. Bit relentless from them at the moment. We are not helping matters with sloppy balls in the middle of the park. Can we try to fizzle the tempo down a little by playing possession football? Guess we need to hold onto the ball for more than 3 secs to do that.

16:29 - Bloody hell. Young doesn't even look like he needs to try and get past Zokora. It's that easy (nutmegged). Nice break from us. Not the greatest ball from Modric to Lennon. Missed opp that.

16:32 - Ooh, bit of possession from us and a little time-out spend in the Villa half. Ends with a Jenas shot that was easily plucked out of the air by Friedel.

16:36 - First sub of the afternoon. Zokora is going off. Seems our man Zoko - better right-back than central mid - is being replaced by Charlie, probably tactical rather than due to an injury. Young has pretty much had the freedom of the wing so far.

16:37 - 61% possession for Villa so far. Always comes down to the midfield, and at the moment they are second best to the home side. Then again, the emphasis is on them to come at us. Guess a little patience is required. No doubt we'll get another chance to break - but whether its still 0-1 to us when that happens is all dependent on how well we defend and if Villa can manage that final ball. Something that's eluded them.

16:44 - Crikey. That break away almost happened. Bent into Keane, didn't quite get to him. Then moments later, another break into the box - Jenas into Modric - Luka has a shot rather than pass to Keane (or was it Bent? I was jumping around the room at the time). Think he went for the right option in the end. Could have been 0-2 that. These are the chances we have to take.

16:48 - See, only Spurs can do this. We have possession in midfield. Jenas plays a smart ball into the path of Palacios who proves to everyone he can't quite pass. Villa break, cross goes in, Heskey hits the bar with his effort. Phew.

16:49 - HALF-TIME, VILLA 0 SPURS 1. Not the best from us, but don't agree with the pro-Villa commentary from Sky Sports who seem to think we have been lucky/shit in possession. Yes - we've struggled to retain the ball, but we've been more than useful when getting into the Villa box and in comparison to their efforts on goal, I'd say its fairly equal. If anything, as the away side, we haven't done too badly. We are 1-0 up, and could have had another. Villa will argue they've had plenty of chances to be leading this game. Until they get that final ball right, I don't care.

17:06 - Here we go. We need to get a grip in centre-mid as Ledders and Woody are having to deal with a little too much to expect them to see out the 90 minutes without any additional team support. Double up on Young (ooh) and don't give the git any time on the ball. If we avoid a second half battering and push forward - give it to Aaron, then we'll score again. The longer Villa are frustrated, the more counter-attacks we'll get. Football management? Piece of piss.

17:09 - Villa start with some intent. Couple of corners. Come to nothing. Is it me or does Palacios look less of the panther, more of the Cheshire cat?

17:10 - Muhahahahaha! VILLA 0 SPURS 2. Staggering stuff. For all Villas effort, all we need to do is break and score. What did I say? Give it to Aaron. The boy storms into the box, Wilson has a crack, its saved by Friedel and Keane places the ball goalbound, and that man exquisitely finishes from about half an inch out. 'ave it! We look up for a third now.

17:16 - Lennon shaves the top of the goal with a cracking shot from outside the box. I'll only start to dance around the living room when we notch a third.

17:19 - Bent is on what now? 15 goals? Guess this means we need to offer him a new 5 year contract. Knows where the goal is, innit? Well worth the £15M we paid for him. Reckon we should offer Charlton an extra £5M as they were blatantly hard done by.

17:22 - Also, special mention to Bradley in the Villa goal. Two assists this afternoon. Well done that man.

17: 23 - 52% possession for us in the second half (thank you Sky Sports). Modric has a blast at goal, Friedel this time dealing well with it. Far better second half performance from the midfield. Fancy another goal.

17:27 - Talking of Sky Sports, is anyone laughing out loud with me at the overly bias commentary gashing out of the gob of Andy Gray? Embarrassing stuff. But then not unexpected. 2-0 up and hardly an ounce of credit. "The biggest smash and grab I've seen", sure Andy, sure.

17:33 - About 20 mins left on the clock. We are still giving it a go. Villa, a little deflated. This is a more than decent away day performance from us, in comparison to some of the shambolic displays of recent months. Harry will be able to live off this for 3 months at least.

17:38 - Playing some decent stuff. Ooh, Andy Gray has just paid us a compliment! Almost the perfect day. King and Woodgate have been top class today. Actually can't fault anyone at the moment for effort.

17:43 - O'Hara on for Modric. Can you smell the three points? I can smell the three points. 5 games unbeaten, eight minutes away. Very quiet at Villa Park now, other than the dancing singing away fans. I'm a little giddy.

17:46 - Oh shit. Shit shit shit. VILLA 1 - SPURS 2. I jinxed it. Carew with a header, no chance Woody (defending) and Gomes. Andy Gray creams himself. 84 minutes on the clock. Christ this will be gutting if we lose 3 points and go home with 1.

17:50 - Final minute of the game now. It's ominous this. Villa pegging us back. But we survived. 3 mins of injury time. Andy Gray feels it's time enough for the home team to score. Hey Andy, is it time enough for us to hold out for all the three points?

17:54 - VILLA 1 SPURS 2 FT. YES! GET IN! Relegation? We laugh in your face. And the face of Andy Gray. Whoop!

Spurs.....leave those kids alone!

Adel Taarabt, Gio and Gunter (again) have all gone out on loan until the end of the season. Gunter I can understand as he won't get games considering the collection of far more experienced right backs we have for selection. The other two should be wild-cards off the bench for us, but considering both hardly figured all season it's no surprise they've been shifted out of the club, for now at least.

Gio going to Ipswich (wasn't long ago he was notching up a Nou Camp hat-trick) is possibly his departure lounge moment as I'm not sure he'll be with us come the start of next season. Harry blatantly doesn't rate the kid. Which means he hasn't made an impression in the reserves or in training to warrant more time on the first team bench and more cameo appearances. Unless of course it genuinely is a case of 'the kids can't be risked in a relegation scrap'. And if that's the case, then we need to start reviewing the point in purchasing some of this supposed talented youngsters when all we're going to do is stagnate their development. Both should have been loaned out far far earlier if that's the way we wish to progress them.

Yes, yes, I know. If Spurs were sitting pretty in the table we could afford these wild-cards and their development would be their involvement in Spurs games in the Premiership rather than the lower divisions. So I guess the club don't think it's the right thing to do mentally to the young lads. Which is understandable considering how Bale has struggled this season.

I hope Gio does impress, if anything for his self-confidence (if he has any left) and as a reminder that he might just possess something worth retaining. How much did we spend on him? £4M? £4.7M? Did we mug ourselves off? Because it sure feels like we're doing just that at the moment.

Adel will have loads of fun at QPR (who do like to play it around) and it's doubtful Spurs will be letting him go anytime soon in the way of a permanent transfer. It's still ridiculous that he has gone out on loan IMO. I don't see the problem with the tactic of having him come off the bench and nutmeg a player or two. He can impact the game late on with his mazy runs. Fact is we won't know how good he really is until he starts games from the start, and as that is unlikely to happen at the minute at WHL, then I can almost understand the logic with him going on loan. As much as I don't like it.

Far too many Blondel moments (in recent years) for my liking.

The Magnificent Seven - Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part I

Palacios. Modric. Jenas. Zokora. Huddlestone. Taarabt. O'Hara. Seven players. One massive conundrum, as puzzling to us in the same way a Rubik's Cube would be for a blind monkey. Why do we persistently struggle with the central midfield pairing and how do we go about resolving it? Signing Wilson Palacios might allow for some sustained consistency but who is best paired up with him? Where should Modric play - central or left-wing? Can Jenas ever offer us whatever it is he's meant to offer? Is Huddlestone too slow to command first team selection and have a team built (orbit) around him? Has Zokora found his true calling elsewhere in the starting line-up? And what of Jamie O'Hara and his big Lilywhite heart but limited abilities?

Where do we even begin to unearth the answers? Most of the questions might be redundant come the summer anyway as Harry chops and changes the team to his liking. But the fact remains we find ourselves in this current predicament and a working partnership still needs to be formulated in the centre of the park.

So let's go back in time a little bit to where it all began (to go wrong).

Part I - How do you solve a problem like Carrick ?

Ever since Michael Carrick moved onto pastures new and claimed a new founded personal annoyance of having to polish loads of silver around the house, we've gone back to the drawing board more times than Rolf Harris. And all we ever manage is a badly illustrated scribble of Mickey Mouse which looks more like a duck. Slightly roasted.

Why is it such a monumental task of impossibility for our little club in N17 to plug the gaping holes? There's no doubting our efforts to plug said holes. We throw money into them. In all the years we've been crying out for a true left-winger, we've done the same with our fabled dreams of a defensive midfielder. A 'most wanted' player to marshal the centre-park with authority and menace. We've never really managed to pick up either. Capable players have worn the Lilywhite shirt (Mendes) and others have struggled with injuries (Sean Davis). Whereas some have been below average (KPB) or far too erratic (Ghaly).

Carrick of course was never an out-and-out 'DM' himself when at the Lane. He does have some wonderful defensive capabilities. His knack of nicking the ball away before the need to tackle is something many of the overly passionate missed in his early Spurs days when it was simply easier (and incorrect) to bemoan his apparent lack of getting stuck in. Carrick would sweep up and orchestrate proceedings as he assisted the team to push forward with intent. His passing was (is) top drawer. He positively glowed with quality. Hence his departure to Manchester United and guaranteed winners medals.

Our sun had gone supernova and replaced by a black hole.

So who did we turn too in our hour of need? Carrick was spellbinding for us in his final season, which saw us famously lose 4th spot at the death. We got around £18M - £20M for him. He wanted to leave, he made no secret of the fact, and never lied about it or his ambitions. With Davids having added bite and experience to our midfield that season, we had what you might consider to be a backbone. A pretty decent one. It was no surprise to see us perform so well.

Throughout my life as a Spurs fan, the club (on the pitch) has been defined simply by the following:

- Flair players, with shirts tucked out
- Free flowing, beautiful football
- Loads of Cup silverware
- Bit of a soft touch (i.e. no backbone)

The spirit of a David Mackay or Graham Roberts has been missing from our starting line-ups far too many times over the past decade and a bit. We've much preferred to splash money out on what people (fans and the media) expect from us. Luxury players, who are only luxury because the rest of the team structure lacks the right amount of balance to accommodate them. Superfluous signings are quintessentially Tottenham when something far more basic and unsexy is the sometimes the answer.

Obviously, I'm exaggerating a little with that assessment. The likes of Ginola and Gascoigne are definitive Spurs players and I'm glad we saw them in a Spurs shirt. But there has been times when we've had players worthy of winning silverware but no backbone to support them. Which is why as a soft touch we never appear to do much in the sustained challenge that league football offers.

Considering we have an outstanding tradition in playing football (in the purest sense of how football should be played) and a ridiculous list of uber-talented players dating all the way back to the 1950's - you can probably ask yourself what if someone had built a Spurs side that combined the best of both worlds rather than always siding with the romantic notion of beautiful football?

It's easy for anyone to say 'what if' and then lay claim for the missing pieces of the jigsaw. We got away with the gaping holes until mediocrity reigned supreme and injections of a Ginola or Gazza were not enough to see us progress (other than Cup Final wins) so we stuttered through the mid-90's and into the new century badly lagging behind the Top 4.

The renaissance under Martin Jol was an indication that plugging in the right players means things can tick along splendidly. One player out of synch could result with the whole team being lopsided. And once that happens, it can so easily come apart.

So with Carrick gone, the replacement had to be one of two things. And this is just an opinion, as I'm sure some of you will have your own:

1) A direct replacement

Obviously, finding a Carrick clone was never going to happen. But drafting in a similar style of footballer (a good passer of the ball, good vision, good defensive qualities, steady, reliable and consistent) was an option. If one could be found. There wasn't it seems any available in the UK that fitted the bill, but that's going on the assumption that Comolli and Jol were looking for a player of the exact same ilk.

2) An out-and-out defensive midfielder

DM is arguably interpreted in many ways depending on personal opinion. Is a DM the same thing as a holding midfielder? Well yes, except you'll still hear people say that Carrick is a combination of both or more so the latter with one or two offensive weapons in his locker (ooh) too. Even though, fundamentally both have a duty to protect the defence and to help out the midfield and forwards. So a DM is the same as a holding midfielder. Right? It's just a different descriptive label for the same thing. Right? The reason I'm banging on about this is because of the amount of discussions/arguments I've heard debating the differences between certain players who play in the central midfield position that is not the attacking position (catchy). If you get a player who does more in said position than the next bloke, it's probably because he is simply a better footballer.

Much like House music is broken down into countless genres and sub-genres, the same could be applied for this much maligned midfield role. Carrick would fall into the Progressive House category. Plenty of peaks and layers, bringing them together to drive forward some good solid movement.

For the sake of this discussion and article, by out-and-out I'm simply referring to the Roy Keane stable of midfielders. Loads of bite, someone you can count on in a battle and (to retain an element of the Tottenham way without going off in the complete opposite direction - i.e. Robbie Savage) a player who can pass the ball. Offence is the best form of defence, right?

Zokora's movement is unsurpassed

Now this basis of the exact type of player required to fill the void will be the responsibility of manager and director of football. How do Spurs push on from here with minimum impact to the teams performance? Carrick is gone so do we want to continue playing the same type of system or do we have to adapt accordingly? It's the latter. Simply because every player is unique. Not trying to teach you to suck eggs with that particular understatement. No matter who or what you bring in as a replacement, the team balance will alter from 'ever so slightly' all the way down to 'Oh my God the humanity!' depending on the choice.

We don't have the obvious quality that Utd and Liverpool and Chelsea have in this 'DM' position. So when we lose a player like Carrick, its a serious issue. Arsenal have struggled this season with their obvious lack of depth in centre midfield. And going back to when Carrick departed, we had to make sure it was not detrimental to the teams progress.

Hmm. Yeah. I know.

So basically - the replacement would either be a 'conductor' who could still get forward and create something either with a pass or a dinking run as well as completing his holding role or a more traditional DM who would get stuck in, bite the ankles of opposing players and generally do all the dirty work and graft allowing the more skilful creative players the time, freedom and space to do their thing.

What Jol and Comolli did was sign Didier Zokora.

Zoko had performed with much acclaim during the African Nations cup. He looked good and at £8M, a steal. Here's someone who appeared to have an abundance of energy and authority. Could tackle and thus although not as subtle and clever as Carrick - still a player with some midfield clout. The one evident (and worrying aspect) was his passing. Or lack of. Add to it his lack of goals also. But many still saw this as a major coup.

So there was no direct replacement for Carrick in the strictest sense of the word. Didier and Michael might be grouped under the DM stable, but both are very different which meant the team would need to adapt and evolve into something a little bit different. But such was the importance and productivity of Carrick, Zokora was always doomed to fail.

If Didier Zokora was House music he'd be Minimal. Repetitive glitches and bleeps and some sporadic melodic moments now and again.

What we have at the present moment in time is a nifty little dancer who is infinitely better at right-back than in central midfield. I'm not blaming Zokora for the teams frailties. He was apparently (if you believe the press) courted by several 'big clubs' before accepting our offer. I spent the first season making excuses claiming 'he needs time to bed in'. He was no Carrick (who also took a little time to settle the nerves of the Spurs boo-boys) but he was also not the player many had watched and admired at international level. He was at times clumsy in his manner.

Zokora doesn't appear to excel at anything in particular when tasked with bossing the midfield area. Yes - he has put in some outstanding shifts in his time at WHL including a purple patch or two. And even recently he appeared to improve (possibly the arrival of Wilson played a part in that). But he can't pass the ball to save his life and his positional sense is poor and, well, he isn't the best tackler of the ball either. He simply doesn't dominate the midfield in any way that would help support the players around him. Now that might have a lot to do with the fact that Spurs always have a mish-mash of players that don't quite compliment each other. Bit like building something you see on Blue Peter with random items you'd usually just bin. Ends up looking snazzy, but at the end of the day it's just made up of rubbish.

And as Carrick famously stated, players at Spurs (during his time) didn't do their utmost to improve themselves by competing with team mates. So Zokora has never actually improved in any way since signing. Whether that's because he can't or because the Tottenham Disease is still evident, I don't know.

As mentioned earlier, it's not the fault of Zokora. And his effort can't be faulted when he is on the pitch. Great athlete. In a more disciplined position like right-back where his responsibilities are more defined, he has been a revelation. He can defend, work well with his team mates, and push forward with intent.

So why can't he do the same in midfield? Simply put? Didier has no footballing brain. The engine room of the team doesn't just need a grafter, it needs someone who can finely tune the nuts and bolts and unclog any parts that stop working. Zokora spends far too much time on a tea break. Sure, we love it when he just runs forward like an unstoppable locomotive. There are aspects of his play you almost admire and smile at. But its endearing and not exactly the foundation to build your midfield on.

Making things doubly difficult during this period of change was that as lauded as Carrick was for his holding play, he was far more than a guardian of our defence holding back the freedom for opposing players to run amok. He was also a deep-laying playmaker. By virtue of defending, he'd set our players off in the opposite direction. His Hoddlesque passing and quick thinking made us tick. When he left for Utd, we didn't just lose one player. We lost the man with two brains and gained a man with half of one.

What happened next? Not a lot.


Part II will follow in the next couple of days with a look at JJ's role in the Spurs midfield.

Defoe, Hutton, Pav and Silver: Some random thoughts

I was complaining earlier that there is currently a lull in newsworthy items to comment on. I was wrong. Found another three. Just like the buses, eh? Actually, make it four. Just thought of another one.

Defoe is on his way back to regaining full fitness, which will prove to be interesting with regards to how he'll fit into the team with Robbie Keane (captain) reclaiming his place as darling of the Lane. JD is exactly what we need in the run-in. He'll be hungry and determined to pick up where he left off. But does he partner Robbie up front? Can he partner Robbie? Does Keane go wide and Defoe partner Pav up front? Can anyone say 'here we go again'?

I'd like to see Robbie and JD play together, at least once or twice so we can find out once and for all if its workable. If by some miraculous miracle they'll connect on a different level to the limp ineffective Hobbitesque attempt of yesteryear - then happy days. Don't quite see how it will and also doubt Keane drifting from the wings would work either. As for the idea being laughed about concerning Keane taking a role in midfield and replacing Modric......behave yourselves.

Then there's Pav. He's stated that he's happy at Spurs and doesn't want to move. It's all dependent really on what Harry decides in the summer, but I guess Roman is reacting to one of the daily churned out quoteless made up stories which always seemed to be based on very little of anything. Personally believe we should stick with him. Hasn't scored a lot in the Prem (4 in about 22 I think) which is disappointing, but then it's not like he has been swaggering in a team of swaggering players. Berbatov took a while to adjust. Pav is not of the same quality as the Bulgarian but to dismiss him after a debut season is criminal. It's not like he's struggling ala Rebrov.

I say judge him based on next season. He's a team player, not the strongest or fastest on current assessment, but his movement is good and his finishing in front of goal more than decent. His finishing from further out and some of his decision making (lack of composure too) is where the concern begins to creep in. £14M, Russian International.....surely these qualities should be more apparent? Can I refer to the textbook response of 'he's tired/played 5 months in Russian league before joining us/can't speak the language/still adapting to English culture' etc etc? Which is why we need to be patient and see how he performs next term.

Now some of you are probably picking up a shitty stick and poking me with it along with accompanying eerie chanting:

"Darren Bent...Darren Bent...Darren Bent..."

Yes, yes. Top scorer. But of all the forward players we have, it's practically a certainty he will be the one to leave the club in the summer. Unless we start playing like Charlton, he won't be a success here - even with his decent goal ratio. We saw it, a very simplistic example, against Boro. Pav went off, Bent came on, Spurs struggled with their forward play. The flow disappeared. He doesn't fit in. Scoring goals apologetically is in no way a foundation to build on. Because if there has to be a plan B, he has no way of fitting into it. One dimensional football to appease his selection might produce a tasty goal ratio across several games, but stats aside - it doesn't breed quality team football.

Alan Hutton is also not far off from his return from a long injury lay off. He has a foot injury. Prefer not to dwell on any whispers being made to suggest otherwise. And when he is fit and able (and hopefully not as nervy as he was when he played in the Arsenal away game way back) it will mean we have him, Chimbonda and Gunter for the right back positions. And Corulka. Gunter is out on loan. Corluka works well on the right hand side with Lennon. Pascal has yet to reclaim any decent past form for us and was always a little suspect defensively - but is more than decent offensively. Although you could argue that when he does wonder forward he does so with little regard for the player who is then meant to cover him. Both Shimbo and Charlie can also play central along with King, Woodgate, Dawson. Hutton can only play right-back, the lazy git. You following this so far?

We have substantial cover at the back. There is no doubting that. Over on the left hand side BAE has been very consistent for us and Gareth Bale will hopefully find his way back onto the ladder of progress soon enough and begin to climb it with the hoodoo laying flat on its face at the bottom as the Welsh kid looks down from the top all smiles. Ideally then we could have a back four of:


Hutton - Woody - King - BAE

Or

Hutton - Dawson - Corluka - BAE

Or

Chimbonda - Woody - King - Bale

Or

Corluka - Woody - King - BAE

Or

Hutton - Woody - Corluka - Gunter


I can be doing this musical chairs routine all day long. Best way to just summarise it:

- Chimbonda can not play left-back and should either start at RB or cover a centre-back position if we are desperate

- Corluka is a right-back, but might be the answer in slotting into CB when King is unavailable

- A flying Hutton is a better option than Chimbonda out the right side IMO

- Woody will always start as long as he is 100%

- Gunter is one for the 'future' and will get his chance because Pascal will be due a transfer request a year from now

- BAE is not world-class but has acquired an edge to his game (also don't you just love the way he turns to go one way then turns and runs in the opposite direction? Its the most telegraphed move in football yet works every bleeding time!), and until Bale re-discovers his bite he does a more than decent job for us

Hold up. Oh Christ. I've forgotten to include you know who.

Hutton. Chimbonda. Corluka. Gunter......and Zokora. Add another one to the list. Didier is a better RB than he is a midfielder. Unless someone can define what type of midfielder Zoko actually is, I'll stand by my word. So that makes '5' players who can slot into the spoilt position of the right hand corner of our defence. Insane depth for a bread and butter team position. Seems that every part of the team has either far too much of one thing or too little of the other. I'll get to our midfield issues in another blog article.

Finally, let's finish with Dan Silver. Works for the Daily Mirror. Read this. Insightful stuff. I thought some of my work lacked substance but I do this for free so the standard of content varies depending on alcohol levels. Shame on you Mr Silver. Shame on your editor. Out of interest, who do you support? Let me guess...

Ledley will always be our King

I'm a bit bored at the moment. There's a slight lull in stories worthy of commentary. Other than maybe the news that Ledley King could play in the remaining 10 fixtures for Spurs. According to our oracle of football, Harry Redknapp. This following on from the recent lack of contract talks that won't be taking place just yet between club and player.

King (with Spurs no longer having midweek games to concern themselves with) can now look forward to Ledders being available once per week with plenty of recovery time in-between. As long as the old knee doesn't give way. Is he prolonging the inevitable? Is he sustaining long term permanent damage to his knees every time he plays for us? How long will he persist with this? Equally important to ask whether Spurs will have to make a decision on King's future based on his availability. You can't build a defence around a part-time player. But when the player is this good, do you allow for a concession? Heart says yes. So does the head, but more so the heart.

As for the potential of a new contract, that really depends on whether this is it for the rest of his career. This being 'play when injected with magic' but only half the time and never twice in a week. It's sad. A fully fit Ledley King would be a fully fledged England international. And probably a Man Utd player. But theres no doubt he'd be a defender at the top of his game with countless clubs courting him - in a world with no knee trouble. He's still capable of exceptional performances for us - but still in a part-time capacity. Which is why we are probably not reading a Daniel Levy club announcement justifying a £25M transfer of King to Old Trafford.

What we have instead is a loyal committed servant who gets wrapped up in cotton wool more often than running out in Lilywhite. As long as he is not aggravating his knee problems with the injections and continuing to play professional football then I'm happy to have him at the club and the club should make sure he remains there till he hangs his boots up. I hope there is not a single ounce of truth that doctors advised him to quit or risk serious damage.

Also, I'm not suggesting Ledley is still with us only because of his injury plight. The bloke is no Sol Campbell. Ledley is honest and loves the club. He wants to be at White Hart Lane and in the past possibly could have flirted with a Champions League club if he wanted to. But if he was 110%, he'd be tested, along with the chairman. That's a sure thing. But he'd never walk the way Judas did. Personally hope he does start the big big away games we have at Villa, Everton, Man Utd and Liverpool. Dawson is a fine understudy to have on current form. I'm still staggered by the fact that King never trains.

Elsewhere, there was a perfect example of printed bullshit in the Sunday papers that had David Bentley linked with a move to Aston Villa. He would 'relish the move' apparently. No actual quote or suggestion that any part of the article was based on fact or actual player/club opinion. The usual standard of reporting from the weekend tabloids.

Bentley has been nothing short of disastrous since signing for us. No form at all. Not even 5% of what he showed at Blackburn. He has struggled monumentally to fit in and perform consistently. Yes, he is over-rated. He isn't the next David Beckham. He obviously believes he is far better than he is and therefore attempts to play like he's word class from distorted memories and what he thinks people expect to see of a superstar rather than just play a simple and productive game. Such is the power of confidence (and the decimation of it) that he can't even achieve the basics that came easy to him prior to his move.

As much maligned as he is and regardless of whether he is or isn't worth £15M or so, he does have ability and he can do a job for us. Personal problems aside, he has to stop feeling sorry for himself. The groans and frustrations from home fans will be replaced with cheers and applause the moment he gets stuck in and doesn't try so damn hard to be something he is not.

Bentley is a good player. Not a great one. It's not lost on us that he 'loves the club' (he does, he said so) and wants to be successful at Spurs. He seems genuine enough, but it's inconsequential to what's produced on the pitch if his head is in the clouds. If he wants to succeed he has to believe it.

One bright thing the arrival of Bentley has achieved is the resurgence of Lennon's form. Having both players on top form would mean competitiveness within the squad, inspiring players to excel. Something we've lacked in abundance so often in the past. Not that Aaron needs to look over his shoulders at the moment.

Caption Competition: Robbie and Pascal

Pascal reacts a little bit too excitedly to Robbie's David Bentley impersonation

Sunderland 1 Spurs 1 - Keane to the rescue

Once upon a time Sunderland were the ones scoring dramatic last minute equalisers to dent Tottenham’s Champions League hopes. Yesterday it was our turn for a late goal to help add to the tally of points that will surely see us safe come the final day of the season.

Loads of possession yesterday, some decent build up play but a quality final ball dinked in was missing for large patches of the game which meant apart from a King effort well saved and Bent ballooning the ball over when one-on-one with the keeper, we did well to stay in the game with Sunderland squandering a few chances of their own. It's refreshing to see us claiming a late goal in our favour for once.

Obviously, we went 1-0 down within a couple of minutes. But considering how often we seem to get bullied away against the more physical teams I can’t complain too much about how we went about our business yesterday after Richardson scored. Boro stood off and let us play football on Wednesday night. There was no chance Sunderland would do the same. They don’t make it easy for anyone up there. And typically, we made it easier for them with our lacklustre start to the game.

Defensively we were not great. And as mentioned, the final ball was not always to the required standard. And although Redknapp exaggerates a little with his ‘we dominated’ assessment, we were good for the point and deservedly got it with Keane’s smart late finish.

I know we have tired legs and Harry has done a good job getting us through the congested fixture list, but playing Chimbonda at left-back was never going to be productive. Hutton is back soon. Would like to see him slot into right-back and Corluka at centre-back and Chimbonda can be used for either RB or CB if required. Let BAE and Bale battle it out for LB. Utility player or not Pascal might be able to slot into the LB position but having no left foot means it’s a bit like asking a eunuch to star in a porn movie. The additional chorus of boos that followed every touch he made didn’t make it a comfortable afternoon for him. Still, he muddled through. Not sure why he wasn’t started at right back and Corluka slotted into left back (he didn’t do too shabby there against Liverpool). Harry did rectify this cometh the 75th minute mark.

Gomes gave us one moment of ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit’ when he came but failed to make contact with the ball. But was otherwise untested. Sunderland’s other efforts, including one from a superb Andy Reid cross that Cisse failed to turn in, were half chances at best.

Lennon did his thing. Always find he can get the opposition fullback yellow-carded quite easily with his tricks and turns, but needs to go in for the kill more often and get them sent-off. Can't believe this hasn't been drilled into him by the manager. His crosses hit far too many defenders. A slight off day for the menacing wing magician. Modric was quiet, but still in an attacking sense, our other best outlet.

Huddlestone (such a great passer of the ball, but just so damn immobile – can we ever make more use of him?) came on for Jenas (who was neither great or average - just stuck somewhere in the middle). Bentley (decent effort) and Pav also on towards the end.

Palacios was a bit on the quiet side.

We kept plugging away and from a Sunderland corner/penalty claim all the way to the other end of the pitch that saw Bent cross in for Keane to hit a half volley into the ground which gave Fulop no chance and to give us a point.

And as for fans favourite Darren Bent, if they handed out points for players who run around constantly he’d be top of the table. But that’s not enough. It’s frustrating that when he had the chance to score (divot or no divot) he struck the ball high above the bar. But then again, he’ll get double the amount of moans and groans aimed at him because of who he is. We all know Robbie misses his fair share of opportunities. But Robbie does score important goals and does contribute substantially more. Bent has more negatives with this game than he has in the way of positive attributes. I don’t believe the ball bobbled. It was a shocking miss. But we survived. And he can be happy with the assist.

As for Sunderland, just worth mentioning that Jones looked fairly average and the £15M price tag a joke. Steed created, much like Andy Reid did. The latter defining gravity with his movement and his knack for a quality ball. I half expect the ground below him to give way and swallow up his plumb rounded figure, but it doesn't. Probably because Reid would swallow up the ground if he fell towards it, mouth open, knife and fork in hands. An appetiser before his post-match all-you-can-eat buffet.

One other thing I’d like to mention. Did anyone catch Football First? Big shout out to Barry Horne and his laughable bias commentary. If anyone watched the internet stream live they would had heard him complain about Robbie Keane waving an imaginary card at Steed and the ref which was a direct reaction to Steed waving it first. Horne completely ignored this and instead banged on about Keane and that he should be booked for demanding a yellow for Steed. The commentary was littered with some embarrassing sound bites.

Villa up next. They’re struggling a bit, but it’s still going to take a more confident display defensively to get something out of it. I’ve still got us down with picking up a few shock points away from home in our remaining fixtures.

5 points from the mire. 5 points from Europe. It's absolutely ridiculous and in classic Tottenham-fan mode, I ask myself, what if...........what if we didn't have that atrocious start to the season? In fact, what if Spurs displayed the type of commitment and effort Villa have for most of the season? Next year, yeah?

Respect Sol Campbell? Thanks, but no thanks

I said I would not refer back to this, but it seems that Sol Campbell and his chums in the media won't let go, so here we are again. It's a reflex of mine to react like this even when I know in my heart of hearts that my time is better spent drinking from a bottle of rum and grooming my Ricky Villa beard. But the tabloids are at it again.

The Daily Mirror yesterday run a story entitled 'Why Tottenham Fans should respect Sol Campbell as a true servant to football'.

The story initially concentrates on promoting a campaign he has set up (Kids Go Live) which aims to get children aged from seven to eleven to experience more live sport (football, hockey, horse riding - are examples listed). Its a campaign which has government backing and is personally funded by the player. Good luck to him.

But rather than just concentrate on the campaign itself, the author of the piece (John Cross) can't quite decide what the article should focus on. He starts digging his hole with some rather oh so obvious Solesque friendly statements which turn the article into yet another pro-Campbell is Great propaganda piece that paints the player as a humble, quiet man who is the paradox of modern day PR obsessed footballers. Bit like Paul Scholes. Although he's ginger and therefore not newsworthy.

The irony is of course laughable. Campbell and his PR machine are masters of the subtle touch.

The piece includes some info about what he likes (photography) and his love of films and market stalls and a couple of iconic name drops (Spike Lee and Denzel Washington). All wishy washy soundbites that contain not an iota of insight. It's like reading a textbook profile from a online dating website. But it serves its purpose in promoting Campbell.

He still harbours a desire to play abroad and live a different culture and venture into management after he's retired from kicking a ball about. Apparently this makes him 'a bit different' because he isn't falling out of a club smashed out of his head. He is then compared with Graeme Le Saux and that players who don't have a WAG and a Bentley are singled out for abuse by fans.

I work with a couple of pretentious people who read broadsheets. They get singled out (I just did it by calling them pretentious), in the same way they single out The Sun readers in the office. Welcome to Planet Earth and the bullyboy culture. Maybe Le Saux was singled out because he was a git regardless of his reading material?

Football might be this big bad brash heterosexual its a mans man game, but we all know different. It's not the 70's and 80's anymore. We just conform to a stereotype and just about get away with it. It's easier to box things up in black and white (excuse the terrible pun). Football stands are not quite an intellectual forum of discussion and discourse, are they? Even if they do manage to birth some splendid moments of comic genius in the way of non-offensive chants and banners. I guess that stereotype for many of us is acting the caveman when in fact we all take a cheeky look at a broadsheet from time to time.

Of course, there is still an element that is stuck in the past and take themselves far too seriously, with no grasp of what is right and wrong.

The article obviously does the unsurprising thing of dragging back the 'racist and homophobic' story that caused such a stir in the aftermath of the chanting that took place at the Pompey v Spurs game that led to several mug shots of Spurs fans appearing on the Most Wanted list.

Which is the reason for my reflex and this blog article.

This (the racist and homophobic chanting), according to Cross, is punishment for leaving Spurs on a Bosman. We are then given some trivia about his England career and that just because Campbell isn't spotted with a Page 3 bird doesn't mean he should be subjected to mindless chanting.

'Family man' Campbell should not be singled out for this type of abuse. And I agree. But lets not lose sight of the facts. A minority sang those chants. The majority don't include racism and homophobic chanting when telling Campbell what they think of him.

The article then mentions one or two other high profile players as examples of professionals who are also subjected to similar chants. Not that you will ever hear any of the players complain about it in casual newspaper articles or proceed to bang on about it for years and years. Cross highlights an example of an Arsenal fan calling a Fulham player a 'f**king poof'', yet the article still manages to end with a reference to Tottenham fans. But then the whole article is an exercise in the Campbell is good, Spurs fans are bad agenda.

You can read the piece in it's entirety here and make your own mind up. Cross ends it with the following: "Boo him, hate him, whatever. But don't abuse him".

Ok. Thanks for the permission and clarification. Can I quote you next time Spurs play Pompey? Try taking the average football supporter aside and define what constitutes the difference in hate and abuse when being actively vocal at a football match.

I don't condone racism or homophonic chanting. The Lunacy song that caused so much unwanted publicity was distasteful, but a court of law did not deem it either racist or homophonic. Possibly because its so ambiguous and impossible to prove one way or another. The Spurs fans arrested and charged were done so (in the end) for singing more simple and crude chants. The type that police and stewards and players and the media have not deemed newsworthy in the past. Although if the intent is of a certain over the top and vindictive nature, then you deserve to get done. Whether they would have got done if the player had not made an official complaint is altogether another thing.

Not suggesting by the way that the Lunacy song is now ok to sing. It isn't. Spurs and the police act on it if they witness anyone stupid enough to burst into song. But the song is not what its made out to be by Campbell and some quarters of the media. I'm referring to the insulting and ridiculous suggestion that Spurs fans are aware of racist connotations relating to having black people from trees in 'racist America' a number of years ago. And that we are singling out the player because he is black and that's the reason we hate him.

<--- Insert tumbleweed here --->

Bullshit. Regardless, a way for us to avoid these accusations being made in the first place is to not sing the song full stop. Hum it. Don't sing it.

As a simple note to Cross and Campbell, even though I think Spurs fans should move on and forget about him, the majority won't because they know that the booing and hatred still gets to Campbell on the pitch and affects his game. And for that reason, it's justified to boo and scream non-racist and non-homophobic chants in his direction.

The Pièce de résistance however is when Cross calls him a footballer with a conscience. Comedy gold right there from our Mirror journo.

All I see is a former Spurs youth player and first team captain, Mr Tottenham Hotspur (that's the name he gave himself) who couldn't keep his mouth shut about wanting to stay at the club and wanting to sign a new contract because he loved the club so much. A player who loved the club so much he left on a free transfer screwing us out of millions and then walked up the Seven Sisters and joined Arsenal, picking up a nice signing on bonus and then genuinely expecting Spurs fans to forgive and forget.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe I do. But I'm just sticking to the timeline and facts. Campbell would have still been hated if he had joined Arsenal but not as bad had he left like Carrick did for a massive fee and without the lies and deception that came before his departure. I say 'not as bad' but you know what I mean.

There is no integrity to be found in his soul, and it doesn't matter how many times he attempts to prove otherwise via the tabloids.

Remember his first return to WHL after he joined Arsenal? Remember the level of noise aimed at him every time he went near the ball? No homophobia or racism. Just 30,000 or so Spurs fans screaming hatred. It rattled him. However his response post-match was to call Spurs fans racist and thus that was the sole reason why he was being booed.

"What did I do?" has been the look on his face since his move away from N17. He honestly believes he has done nothing wrong.

As for Spurs fans being racist? No wonder Ledley King hardly ever plays for us. And that Lennon, we hate him too, lucky he can run so fast. And as for Jenas, it's not because he's so bloody inconsistent that we scream out expletives when he loses the ball or misplaces a pass - its because of the colour of his skin. Exfoliate damn it Jermaine, exfoliate!

<--- insert family of tumbleweed here --->

Do one Campbell. You too Cross.

Campbell is an absolute melter of the highest order and as much as Spurs fans bring it on themselves for living in the past and singing songs about him, he needs to stand tall and look the other way and just ignore it instead of constantly attempting to justify why we are the guilty ones.

Sticks and stones.

I should probably follow my own advice and look the other way too next time a red top runs a similar non-event article.

Why should Tottenham Fans respect Sol Campbell as a true servant to football? Don't ask the Daily Mirror. They don't quite have the answer.

Ding dong, Spurs are on song

Smoggie, Tranporter Bridge, James Cook, Paul Daniels, drug dealers, Roy Chubby Brown, youths with no front teeth, town not a city, the Parmo, Chris Rea - can you hear me, Chris Rea! Your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of beating!


Four goals. Clean sheet. Some more than decent passing and movement. Lennon (still) on fire. Modric pulling the strings. Keane off the mark. Pulling away from the drop zone. Three wins from a UEFA Cup spot. Knighthood on the cards for Redknapp. Opus available for £19.99 at the club shop. Bent playing down the middle of the pitch. Daniel Levy retires from football.

Ok, getting a little carried away. Back to reality.

4-0 win. Excellent response from the players. With so many games sandwiched together this past 2 weeks, Boro (much like Sunderland on Saturday) probably fancied their chances against a half-tired Spurs team welcoming back the 'rested' Keane and Palacios (Woody also declared fit for duty). Even though Boro started brightly anytime Lennon got hold of the ball and whizzed forward you sensed we'd be scoring goals and it was simply a case of how many based on how many we would concede in order to come out on top, because we are bound to concede, right? Well no, wrong.

Tuncay had opportunities and a disallowed goal. Downing, very early on, gave it a go to no avail. It was soon apparent that Boro's victory over Liverpool had more to do with Rafas men being outstandingly poor rather than Southgate masterminding a genius result.

We went one up thanks to Keane being left unmarked at the far post and after the disallowed Tuncay let-off, made it two with Modric (ooh that dummy!) laying it on for Pav and then three before half-time with Lennon notching his first after a wonderful passing move that included some great possession football.

Obviously, Boro being shit isn't enough of a guarantee for us to simply show up to claim the points. We're a soft touch at the best of times. In games like this we need to turn up and turn it on. And we did just that. Got lucky at the back a couple of times, but there was confident football on display, and a bit of hunger and desire going forward. Wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a dominating victory but it was a reminder of the quality we do possess and what happens when we knock it around with a little bit of swagger. And yes, it was still Boro and up and coming opposition won't be this easy to pull apart.

But a win was required and a win is what the players and management gave us, so well done to all.

Sunderland away up next (which no doubt will be a bruising encounter) is where we need to show another side to our digging deep ethos. An ethos missing for the best part of the season from one week to the next. Harry, who is much maligned for his soundbites, is probably quietly aiming for us to finish as high as possible, but will continue to downplay it for greater effect. As long as the players know that beating Boro was simply one step in the right direction.

What makes this season a complete mockery is that as mediocre as we've been on so many many occasions, we are still a handful of points adrift of West Ham who have only won 3 more games than us all season. And they're meant to be having a good one. And yet two defeats might see us pulled back into the mire at the bottom. A fully confident swashbuckling Spurs side wouldn't have a single Spurs fan worried about the relegation scrap. Half a swashbuckling side will see us right. We've got more than half at the minute. Harry has to make sure the expectation level is just about right to see us through to the final game.

The fact we didn't disgrace ourselves at Wembley proves we can still muster up the big day occasion too, and even though we have some tricky opposition ahead of us, I'm certain we'll compete and pick up some unexpected points. It was nice to see us compete against the lesser opposition last night. Bread and butter.

Back to the game, Boro came back in the second half with us a just a little on the back foot, but still didn't stop us notching up a 4th. Happy days.

Lennon's burst of pace and his trademark mazy runs. Modric's dummy for the Pav goal. Both stuck smiles back on the faces of the faithful.

BAE continues to impress. Pavyluchenko's work ethic is also under-rated (he'll be twice the player once he's 100% after the summer). Darren Bent however just doesn't do it for me. I'm not the only person to note he's always wondering to wide positions. Jenas was quiet, Palacios good but not great (saving that extra bit of energy for the games ahead) and Keane showing us a glimpse of what we've been missing. All in all, some individuals excelled, whilst others didn't have to bother.

Well done. We needed that. We need it again on Saturday.

The Astonishing Spurs Men

Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.

These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with inconsistent abilities which generally manifest themselves in games against lesser opposition.

Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).

The S-Men have been funded by the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, overseeing the training of young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect them from the evil that is the all-seeing Wengeto, the rich and brutal Head-Hunters and other threats like away games, hotel food and relegation.

Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, formally aided by the scouting super-computer Cerebrolli which helped him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their potential and their black and white forefathers.

This is...

T H E ~ S – M E N

“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very good” – Jelverine

Professor L

Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Master of Money, The Accountant
Abilities: Using mind control has the ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced merchandise and other clubs into giving him inflated amounts of money for unwanted members of the team. Memory manipulation via official club statements allows him to re-write past events and avoid prolonged backlashes when removing a manager. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of score draws and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. Inventor of The Foundation which is a weapon of mass destruction that is used to punish those who dare attempt to outsmart him. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.

The Escapist

Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Harry Redknapp, Houdini, Judas, The Tick
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Redknapp has altered reality with the three simple words “Down to barebones” on numerous occasions. However, the reality warp fades after a short time, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle before he can regain the power to muster up another realtity warp. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.

Incapable

Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder, International class
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is also able to run with the ball at locomotive speeds in one direction and dance.

The Enigma

Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Darren Bent
Abilities: Instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness the moment he steps out on it thanks to the generation of magnetic fields used to manipulate the space around him so that he is constantly isolated and nowhere near the run of play. Can still muster up a goal from nothing, via a deflection/lucky bounce/poor back pass/off his shin.

Starjump

Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: David Bentley, The New Beckham
Abilities: The pin up boy of the S-Men and a former member of The Arsenal Club. Can kick balls into rubbish tips from great distance. Has the ability of copying others who possess superhuman powers and abilities (David Beckham being the energy source he attempts to tap into). But possession of these astronomical abilities have yet to materialise other than one particular creative bomb launched from centre-midfield that silenced his former team-mates at the Emirates. Confident, assured and assertive off the pitch, non-existent on it. Does look good with hair highlights.

Jinxy

Species: Left-back, left-midfielder
Notable aliases: Gareth Bale, The Hoodoo
Abilities: Incredible 'bad-luck' through subconscious manipulation of quantum probability on the pitch. Signature weapon allows him to create a vortex that sucks all possibility of victory into it and sends it to oblivion forever.

Mercenary

Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda, Shimbomba
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wanted to leave the S-Men, and found himself swaggering his way out of the Institute to Sunderland and then back again. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.

Flapper

Species: Goalkeeper
Notable aliases: Gomes, ffs
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. A master strategist and tactician at master-stroking a loss of at least 10 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’

Jerlverine

Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius, potentially world-class
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Recently went missing (was he injured or did he venture out in a mission of self-discovery?) allegedly returning to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.

Cumbersome

Species: Midfielder Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Requires healthy portions of Ketchup and mayo with his food to help retain abilities.



There we have it. The S-Men. There are others but this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the single ambition to succeed expectations.

Will they help avoid decimation and extinction?

Stay tuned to find out.