The Magnificent Seven - Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part I

Palacios. Modric. Jenas. Zokora. Huddlestone. Taarabt. O'Hara. Seven players. One massive conundrum, as puzzling to us in the same way a Rubik's Cube would be for a blind monkey. Why do we persistently struggle with the central midfield pairing and how do we go about resolving it? Signing Wilson Palacios might allow for some sustained consistency but who is best paired up with him? Where should Modric play - central or left-wing? Can Jenas ever offer us whatever it is he's meant to offer? Is Huddlestone too slow to command first team selection and have a team built (orbit) around him? Has Zokora found his true calling elsewhere in the starting line-up? And what of Jamie O'Hara and his big Lilywhite heart but limited abilities?

Where do we even begin to unearth the answers? Most of the questions might be redundant come the summer anyway as Harry chops and changes the team to his liking. But the fact remains we find ourselves in this current predicament and a working partnership still needs to be formulated in the centre of the park.

So let's go back in time a little bit to where it all began (to go wrong).

Part I - How do you solve a problem like Carrick ?

Ever since Michael Carrick moved onto pastures new and claimed a new founded personal annoyance of having to polish loads of silver around the house, we've gone back to the drawing board more times than Rolf Harris. And all we ever manage is a badly illustrated scribble of Mickey Mouse which looks more like a duck. Slightly roasted.

Why is it such a monumental task of impossibility for our little club in N17 to plug the gaping holes? There's no doubting our efforts to plug said holes. We throw money into them. In all the years we've been crying out for a true left-winger, we've done the same with our fabled dreams of a defensive midfielder. A 'most wanted' player to marshal the centre-park with authority and menace. We've never really managed to pick up either. Capable players have worn the Lilywhite shirt (Mendes) and others have struggled with injuries (Sean Davis). Whereas some have been below average (KPB) or far too erratic (Ghaly).

Carrick of course was never an out-and-out 'DM' himself when at the Lane. He does have some wonderful defensive capabilities. His knack of nicking the ball away before the need to tackle is something many of the overly passionate missed in his early Spurs days when it was simply easier (and incorrect) to bemoan his apparent lack of getting stuck in. Carrick would sweep up and orchestrate proceedings as he assisted the team to push forward with intent. His passing was (is) top drawer. He positively glowed with quality. Hence his departure to Manchester United and guaranteed winners medals.

Our sun had gone supernova and replaced by a black hole.

So who did we turn too in our hour of need? Carrick was spellbinding for us in his final season, which saw us famously lose 4th spot at the death. We got around £18M - £20M for him. He wanted to leave, he made no secret of the fact, and never lied about it or his ambitions. With Davids having added bite and experience to our midfield that season, we had what you might consider to be a backbone. A pretty decent one. It was no surprise to see us perform so well.

Throughout my life as a Spurs fan, the club (on the pitch) has been defined simply by the following:

- Flair players, with shirts tucked out
- Free flowing, beautiful football
- Loads of Cup silverware
- Bit of a soft touch (i.e. no backbone)

The spirit of a David Mackay or Graham Roberts has been missing from our starting line-ups far too many times over the past decade and a bit. We've much preferred to splash money out on what people (fans and the media) expect from us. Luxury players, who are only luxury because the rest of the team structure lacks the right amount of balance to accommodate them. Superfluous signings are quintessentially Tottenham when something far more basic and unsexy is the sometimes the answer.

Obviously, I'm exaggerating a little with that assessment. The likes of Ginola and Gascoigne are definitive Spurs players and I'm glad we saw them in a Spurs shirt. But there has been times when we've had players worthy of winning silverware but no backbone to support them. Which is why as a soft touch we never appear to do much in the sustained challenge that league football offers.

Considering we have an outstanding tradition in playing football (in the purest sense of how football should be played) and a ridiculous list of uber-talented players dating all the way back to the 1950's - you can probably ask yourself what if someone had built a Spurs side that combined the best of both worlds rather than always siding with the romantic notion of beautiful football?

It's easy for anyone to say 'what if' and then lay claim for the missing pieces of the jigsaw. We got away with the gaping holes until mediocrity reigned supreme and injections of a Ginola or Gazza were not enough to see us progress (other than Cup Final wins) so we stuttered through the mid-90's and into the new century badly lagging behind the Top 4.

The renaissance under Martin Jol was an indication that plugging in the right players means things can tick along splendidly. One player out of synch could result with the whole team being lopsided. And once that happens, it can so easily come apart.

So with Carrick gone, the replacement had to be one of two things. And this is just an opinion, as I'm sure some of you will have your own:

1) A direct replacement

Obviously, finding a Carrick clone was never going to happen. But drafting in a similar style of footballer (a good passer of the ball, good vision, good defensive qualities, steady, reliable and consistent) was an option. If one could be found. There wasn't it seems any available in the UK that fitted the bill, but that's going on the assumption that Comolli and Jol were looking for a player of the exact same ilk.

2) An out-and-out defensive midfielder

DM is arguably interpreted in many ways depending on personal opinion. Is a DM the same thing as a holding midfielder? Well yes, except you'll still hear people say that Carrick is a combination of both or more so the latter with one or two offensive weapons in his locker (ooh) too. Even though, fundamentally both have a duty to protect the defence and to help out the midfield and forwards. So a DM is the same as a holding midfielder. Right? It's just a different descriptive label for the same thing. Right? The reason I'm banging on about this is because of the amount of discussions/arguments I've heard debating the differences between certain players who play in the central midfield position that is not the attacking position (catchy). If you get a player who does more in said position than the next bloke, it's probably because he is simply a better footballer.

Much like House music is broken down into countless genres and sub-genres, the same could be applied for this much maligned midfield role. Carrick would fall into the Progressive House category. Plenty of peaks and layers, bringing them together to drive forward some good solid movement.

For the sake of this discussion and article, by out-and-out I'm simply referring to the Roy Keane stable of midfielders. Loads of bite, someone you can count on in a battle and (to retain an element of the Tottenham way without going off in the complete opposite direction - i.e. Robbie Savage) a player who can pass the ball. Offence is the best form of defence, right?

Zokora's movement is unsurpassed

Now this basis of the exact type of player required to fill the void will be the responsibility of manager and director of football. How do Spurs push on from here with minimum impact to the teams performance? Carrick is gone so do we want to continue playing the same type of system or do we have to adapt accordingly? It's the latter. Simply because every player is unique. Not trying to teach you to suck eggs with that particular understatement. No matter who or what you bring in as a replacement, the team balance will alter from 'ever so slightly' all the way down to 'Oh my God the humanity!' depending on the choice.

We don't have the obvious quality that Utd and Liverpool and Chelsea have in this 'DM' position. So when we lose a player like Carrick, its a serious issue. Arsenal have struggled this season with their obvious lack of depth in centre midfield. And going back to when Carrick departed, we had to make sure it was not detrimental to the teams progress.

Hmm. Yeah. I know.

So basically - the replacement would either be a 'conductor' who could still get forward and create something either with a pass or a dinking run as well as completing his holding role or a more traditional DM who would get stuck in, bite the ankles of opposing players and generally do all the dirty work and graft allowing the more skilful creative players the time, freedom and space to do their thing.

What Jol and Comolli did was sign Didier Zokora.

Zoko had performed with much acclaim during the African Nations cup. He looked good and at £8M, a steal. Here's someone who appeared to have an abundance of energy and authority. Could tackle and thus although not as subtle and clever as Carrick - still a player with some midfield clout. The one evident (and worrying aspect) was his passing. Or lack of. Add to it his lack of goals also. But many still saw this as a major coup.

So there was no direct replacement for Carrick in the strictest sense of the word. Didier and Michael might be grouped under the DM stable, but both are very different which meant the team would need to adapt and evolve into something a little bit different. But such was the importance and productivity of Carrick, Zokora was always doomed to fail.

If Didier Zokora was House music he'd be Minimal. Repetitive glitches and bleeps and some sporadic melodic moments now and again.

What we have at the present moment in time is a nifty little dancer who is infinitely better at right-back than in central midfield. I'm not blaming Zokora for the teams frailties. He was apparently (if you believe the press) courted by several 'big clubs' before accepting our offer. I spent the first season making excuses claiming 'he needs time to bed in'. He was no Carrick (who also took a little time to settle the nerves of the Spurs boo-boys) but he was also not the player many had watched and admired at international level. He was at times clumsy in his manner.

Zokora doesn't appear to excel at anything in particular when tasked with bossing the midfield area. Yes - he has put in some outstanding shifts in his time at WHL including a purple patch or two. And even recently he appeared to improve (possibly the arrival of Wilson played a part in that). But he can't pass the ball to save his life and his positional sense is poor and, well, he isn't the best tackler of the ball either. He simply doesn't dominate the midfield in any way that would help support the players around him. Now that might have a lot to do with the fact that Spurs always have a mish-mash of players that don't quite compliment each other. Bit like building something you see on Blue Peter with random items you'd usually just bin. Ends up looking snazzy, but at the end of the day it's just made up of rubbish.

And as Carrick famously stated, players at Spurs (during his time) didn't do their utmost to improve themselves by competing with team mates. So Zokora has never actually improved in any way since signing. Whether that's because he can't or because the Tottenham Disease is still evident, I don't know.

As mentioned earlier, it's not the fault of Zokora. And his effort can't be faulted when he is on the pitch. Great athlete. In a more disciplined position like right-back where his responsibilities are more defined, he has been a revelation. He can defend, work well with his team mates, and push forward with intent.

So why can't he do the same in midfield? Simply put? Didier has no footballing brain. The engine room of the team doesn't just need a grafter, it needs someone who can finely tune the nuts and bolts and unclog any parts that stop working. Zokora spends far too much time on a tea break. Sure, we love it when he just runs forward like an unstoppable locomotive. There are aspects of his play you almost admire and smile at. But its endearing and not exactly the foundation to build your midfield on.

Making things doubly difficult during this period of change was that as lauded as Carrick was for his holding play, he was far more than a guardian of our defence holding back the freedom for opposing players to run amok. He was also a deep-laying playmaker. By virtue of defending, he'd set our players off in the opposite direction. His Hoddlesque passing and quick thinking made us tick. When he left for Utd, we didn't just lose one player. We lost the man with two brains and gained a man with half of one.

What happened next? Not a lot.


Part II will follow in the next couple of days with a look at JJ's role in the Spurs midfield.

Defoe, Hutton, Pav and Silver: Some random thoughts

I was complaining earlier that there is currently a lull in newsworthy items to comment on. I was wrong. Found another three. Just like the buses, eh? Actually, make it four. Just thought of another one.

Defoe is on his way back to regaining full fitness, which will prove to be interesting with regards to how he'll fit into the team with Robbie Keane (captain) reclaiming his place as darling of the Lane. JD is exactly what we need in the run-in. He'll be hungry and determined to pick up where he left off. But does he partner Robbie up front? Can he partner Robbie? Does Keane go wide and Defoe partner Pav up front? Can anyone say 'here we go again'?

I'd like to see Robbie and JD play together, at least once or twice so we can find out once and for all if its workable. If by some miraculous miracle they'll connect on a different level to the limp ineffective Hobbitesque attempt of yesteryear - then happy days. Don't quite see how it will and also doubt Keane drifting from the wings would work either. As for the idea being laughed about concerning Keane taking a role in midfield and replacing Modric......behave yourselves.

Then there's Pav. He's stated that he's happy at Spurs and doesn't want to move. It's all dependent really on what Harry decides in the summer, but I guess Roman is reacting to one of the daily churned out quoteless made up stories which always seemed to be based on very little of anything. Personally believe we should stick with him. Hasn't scored a lot in the Prem (4 in about 22 I think) which is disappointing, but then it's not like he has been swaggering in a team of swaggering players. Berbatov took a while to adjust. Pav is not of the same quality as the Bulgarian but to dismiss him after a debut season is criminal. It's not like he's struggling ala Rebrov.

I say judge him based on next season. He's a team player, not the strongest or fastest on current assessment, but his movement is good and his finishing in front of goal more than decent. His finishing from further out and some of his decision making (lack of composure too) is where the concern begins to creep in. £14M, Russian International.....surely these qualities should be more apparent? Can I refer to the textbook response of 'he's tired/played 5 months in Russian league before joining us/can't speak the language/still adapting to English culture' etc etc? Which is why we need to be patient and see how he performs next term.

Now some of you are probably picking up a shitty stick and poking me with it along with accompanying eerie chanting:

"Darren Bent...Darren Bent...Darren Bent..."

Yes, yes. Top scorer. But of all the forward players we have, it's practically a certainty he will be the one to leave the club in the summer. Unless we start playing like Charlton, he won't be a success here - even with his decent goal ratio. We saw it, a very simplistic example, against Boro. Pav went off, Bent came on, Spurs struggled with their forward play. The flow disappeared. He doesn't fit in. Scoring goals apologetically is in no way a foundation to build on. Because if there has to be a plan B, he has no way of fitting into it. One dimensional football to appease his selection might produce a tasty goal ratio across several games, but stats aside - it doesn't breed quality team football.

Alan Hutton is also not far off from his return from a long injury lay off. He has a foot injury. Prefer not to dwell on any whispers being made to suggest otherwise. And when he is fit and able (and hopefully not as nervy as he was when he played in the Arsenal away game way back) it will mean we have him, Chimbonda and Gunter for the right back positions. And Corulka. Gunter is out on loan. Corluka works well on the right hand side with Lennon. Pascal has yet to reclaim any decent past form for us and was always a little suspect defensively - but is more than decent offensively. Although you could argue that when he does wonder forward he does so with little regard for the player who is then meant to cover him. Both Shimbo and Charlie can also play central along with King, Woodgate, Dawson. Hutton can only play right-back, the lazy git. You following this so far?

We have substantial cover at the back. There is no doubting that. Over on the left hand side BAE has been very consistent for us and Gareth Bale will hopefully find his way back onto the ladder of progress soon enough and begin to climb it with the hoodoo laying flat on its face at the bottom as the Welsh kid looks down from the top all smiles. Ideally then we could have a back four of:


Hutton - Woody - King - BAE

Or

Hutton - Dawson - Corluka - BAE

Or

Chimbonda - Woody - King - Bale

Or

Corluka - Woody - King - BAE

Or

Hutton - Woody - Corluka - Gunter


I can be doing this musical chairs routine all day long. Best way to just summarise it:

- Chimbonda can not play left-back and should either start at RB or cover a centre-back position if we are desperate

- Corluka is a right-back, but might be the answer in slotting into CB when King is unavailable

- A flying Hutton is a better option than Chimbonda out the right side IMO

- Woody will always start as long as he is 100%

- Gunter is one for the 'future' and will get his chance because Pascal will be due a transfer request a year from now

- BAE is not world-class but has acquired an edge to his game (also don't you just love the way he turns to go one way then turns and runs in the opposite direction? Its the most telegraphed move in football yet works every bleeding time!), and until Bale re-discovers his bite he does a more than decent job for us

Hold up. Oh Christ. I've forgotten to include you know who.

Hutton. Chimbonda. Corluka. Gunter......and Zokora. Add another one to the list. Didier is a better RB than he is a midfielder. Unless someone can define what type of midfielder Zoko actually is, I'll stand by my word. So that makes '5' players who can slot into the spoilt position of the right hand corner of our defence. Insane depth for a bread and butter team position. Seems that every part of the team has either far too much of one thing or too little of the other. I'll get to our midfield issues in another blog article.

Finally, let's finish with Dan Silver. Works for the Daily Mirror. Read this. Insightful stuff. I thought some of my work lacked substance but I do this for free so the standard of content varies depending on alcohol levels. Shame on you Mr Silver. Shame on your editor. Out of interest, who do you support? Let me guess...

Ledley will always be our King

I'm a bit bored at the moment. There's a slight lull in stories worthy of commentary. Other than maybe the news that Ledley King could play in the remaining 10 fixtures for Spurs. According to our oracle of football, Harry Redknapp. This following on from the recent lack of contract talks that won't be taking place just yet between club and player.

King (with Spurs no longer having midweek games to concern themselves with) can now look forward to Ledders being available once per week with plenty of recovery time in-between. As long as the old knee doesn't give way. Is he prolonging the inevitable? Is he sustaining long term permanent damage to his knees every time he plays for us? How long will he persist with this? Equally important to ask whether Spurs will have to make a decision on King's future based on his availability. You can't build a defence around a part-time player. But when the player is this good, do you allow for a concession? Heart says yes. So does the head, but more so the heart.

As for the potential of a new contract, that really depends on whether this is it for the rest of his career. This being 'play when injected with magic' but only half the time and never twice in a week. It's sad. A fully fit Ledley King would be a fully fledged England international. And probably a Man Utd player. But theres no doubt he'd be a defender at the top of his game with countless clubs courting him - in a world with no knee trouble. He's still capable of exceptional performances for us - but still in a part-time capacity. Which is why we are probably not reading a Daniel Levy club announcement justifying a £25M transfer of King to Old Trafford.

What we have instead is a loyal committed servant who gets wrapped up in cotton wool more often than running out in Lilywhite. As long as he is not aggravating his knee problems with the injections and continuing to play professional football then I'm happy to have him at the club and the club should make sure he remains there till he hangs his boots up. I hope there is not a single ounce of truth that doctors advised him to quit or risk serious damage.

Also, I'm not suggesting Ledley is still with us only because of his injury plight. The bloke is no Sol Campbell. Ledley is honest and loves the club. He wants to be at White Hart Lane and in the past possibly could have flirted with a Champions League club if he wanted to. But if he was 110%, he'd be tested, along with the chairman. That's a sure thing. But he'd never walk the way Judas did. Personally hope he does start the big big away games we have at Villa, Everton, Man Utd and Liverpool. Dawson is a fine understudy to have on current form. I'm still staggered by the fact that King never trains.

Elsewhere, there was a perfect example of printed bullshit in the Sunday papers that had David Bentley linked with a move to Aston Villa. He would 'relish the move' apparently. No actual quote or suggestion that any part of the article was based on fact or actual player/club opinion. The usual standard of reporting from the weekend tabloids.

Bentley has been nothing short of disastrous since signing for us. No form at all. Not even 5% of what he showed at Blackburn. He has struggled monumentally to fit in and perform consistently. Yes, he is over-rated. He isn't the next David Beckham. He obviously believes he is far better than he is and therefore attempts to play like he's word class from distorted memories and what he thinks people expect to see of a superstar rather than just play a simple and productive game. Such is the power of confidence (and the decimation of it) that he can't even achieve the basics that came easy to him prior to his move.

As much maligned as he is and regardless of whether he is or isn't worth £15M or so, he does have ability and he can do a job for us. Personal problems aside, he has to stop feeling sorry for himself. The groans and frustrations from home fans will be replaced with cheers and applause the moment he gets stuck in and doesn't try so damn hard to be something he is not.

Bentley is a good player. Not a great one. It's not lost on us that he 'loves the club' (he does, he said so) and wants to be successful at Spurs. He seems genuine enough, but it's inconsequential to what's produced on the pitch if his head is in the clouds. If he wants to succeed he has to believe it.

One bright thing the arrival of Bentley has achieved is the resurgence of Lennon's form. Having both players on top form would mean competitiveness within the squad, inspiring players to excel. Something we've lacked in abundance so often in the past. Not that Aaron needs to look over his shoulders at the moment.

Caption Competition: Robbie and Pascal

Pascal reacts a little bit too excitedly to Robbie's David Bentley impersonation

Sunderland 1 Spurs 1 - Keane to the rescue

Once upon a time Sunderland were the ones scoring dramatic last minute equalisers to dent Tottenham’s Champions League hopes. Yesterday it was our turn for a late goal to help add to the tally of points that will surely see us safe come the final day of the season.

Loads of possession yesterday, some decent build up play but a quality final ball dinked in was missing for large patches of the game which meant apart from a King effort well saved and Bent ballooning the ball over when one-on-one with the keeper, we did well to stay in the game with Sunderland squandering a few chances of their own. It's refreshing to see us claiming a late goal in our favour for once.

Obviously, we went 1-0 down within a couple of minutes. But considering how often we seem to get bullied away against the more physical teams I can’t complain too much about how we went about our business yesterday after Richardson scored. Boro stood off and let us play football on Wednesday night. There was no chance Sunderland would do the same. They don’t make it easy for anyone up there. And typically, we made it easier for them with our lacklustre start to the game.

Defensively we were not great. And as mentioned, the final ball was not always to the required standard. And although Redknapp exaggerates a little with his ‘we dominated’ assessment, we were good for the point and deservedly got it with Keane’s smart late finish.

I know we have tired legs and Harry has done a good job getting us through the congested fixture list, but playing Chimbonda at left-back was never going to be productive. Hutton is back soon. Would like to see him slot into right-back and Corluka at centre-back and Chimbonda can be used for either RB or CB if required. Let BAE and Bale battle it out for LB. Utility player or not Pascal might be able to slot into the LB position but having no left foot means it’s a bit like asking a eunuch to star in a porn movie. The additional chorus of boos that followed every touch he made didn’t make it a comfortable afternoon for him. Still, he muddled through. Not sure why he wasn’t started at right back and Corluka slotted into left back (he didn’t do too shabby there against Liverpool). Harry did rectify this cometh the 75th minute mark.

Gomes gave us one moment of ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit’ when he came but failed to make contact with the ball. But was otherwise untested. Sunderland’s other efforts, including one from a superb Andy Reid cross that Cisse failed to turn in, were half chances at best.

Lennon did his thing. Always find he can get the opposition fullback yellow-carded quite easily with his tricks and turns, but needs to go in for the kill more often and get them sent-off. Can't believe this hasn't been drilled into him by the manager. His crosses hit far too many defenders. A slight off day for the menacing wing magician. Modric was quiet, but still in an attacking sense, our other best outlet.

Huddlestone (such a great passer of the ball, but just so damn immobile – can we ever make more use of him?) came on for Jenas (who was neither great or average - just stuck somewhere in the middle). Bentley (decent effort) and Pav also on towards the end.

Palacios was a bit on the quiet side.

We kept plugging away and from a Sunderland corner/penalty claim all the way to the other end of the pitch that saw Bent cross in for Keane to hit a half volley into the ground which gave Fulop no chance and to give us a point.

And as for fans favourite Darren Bent, if they handed out points for players who run around constantly he’d be top of the table. But that’s not enough. It’s frustrating that when he had the chance to score (divot or no divot) he struck the ball high above the bar. But then again, he’ll get double the amount of moans and groans aimed at him because of who he is. We all know Robbie misses his fair share of opportunities. But Robbie does score important goals and does contribute substantially more. Bent has more negatives with this game than he has in the way of positive attributes. I don’t believe the ball bobbled. It was a shocking miss. But we survived. And he can be happy with the assist.

As for Sunderland, just worth mentioning that Jones looked fairly average and the £15M price tag a joke. Steed created, much like Andy Reid did. The latter defining gravity with his movement and his knack for a quality ball. I half expect the ground below him to give way and swallow up his plumb rounded figure, but it doesn't. Probably because Reid would swallow up the ground if he fell towards it, mouth open, knife and fork in hands. An appetiser before his post-match all-you-can-eat buffet.

One other thing I’d like to mention. Did anyone catch Football First? Big shout out to Barry Horne and his laughable bias commentary. If anyone watched the internet stream live they would had heard him complain about Robbie Keane waving an imaginary card at Steed and the ref which was a direct reaction to Steed waving it first. Horne completely ignored this and instead banged on about Keane and that he should be booked for demanding a yellow for Steed. The commentary was littered with some embarrassing sound bites.

Villa up next. They’re struggling a bit, but it’s still going to take a more confident display defensively to get something out of it. I’ve still got us down with picking up a few shock points away from home in our remaining fixtures.

5 points from the mire. 5 points from Europe. It's absolutely ridiculous and in classic Tottenham-fan mode, I ask myself, what if...........what if we didn't have that atrocious start to the season? In fact, what if Spurs displayed the type of commitment and effort Villa have for most of the season? Next year, yeah?

Respect Sol Campbell? Thanks, but no thanks

I said I would not refer back to this, but it seems that Sol Campbell and his chums in the media won't let go, so here we are again. It's a reflex of mine to react like this even when I know in my heart of hearts that my time is better spent drinking from a bottle of rum and grooming my Ricky Villa beard. But the tabloids are at it again.

The Daily Mirror yesterday run a story entitled 'Why Tottenham Fans should respect Sol Campbell as a true servant to football'.

The story initially concentrates on promoting a campaign he has set up (Kids Go Live) which aims to get children aged from seven to eleven to experience more live sport (football, hockey, horse riding - are examples listed). Its a campaign which has government backing and is personally funded by the player. Good luck to him.

But rather than just concentrate on the campaign itself, the author of the piece (John Cross) can't quite decide what the article should focus on. He starts digging his hole with some rather oh so obvious Solesque friendly statements which turn the article into yet another pro-Campbell is Great propaganda piece that paints the player as a humble, quiet man who is the paradox of modern day PR obsessed footballers. Bit like Paul Scholes. Although he's ginger and therefore not newsworthy.

The irony is of course laughable. Campbell and his PR machine are masters of the subtle touch.

The piece includes some info about what he likes (photography) and his love of films and market stalls and a couple of iconic name drops (Spike Lee and Denzel Washington). All wishy washy soundbites that contain not an iota of insight. It's like reading a textbook profile from a online dating website. But it serves its purpose in promoting Campbell.

He still harbours a desire to play abroad and live a different culture and venture into management after he's retired from kicking a ball about. Apparently this makes him 'a bit different' because he isn't falling out of a club smashed out of his head. He is then compared with Graeme Le Saux and that players who don't have a WAG and a Bentley are singled out for abuse by fans.

I work with a couple of pretentious people who read broadsheets. They get singled out (I just did it by calling them pretentious), in the same way they single out The Sun readers in the office. Welcome to Planet Earth and the bullyboy culture. Maybe Le Saux was singled out because he was a git regardless of his reading material?

Football might be this big bad brash heterosexual its a mans man game, but we all know different. It's not the 70's and 80's anymore. We just conform to a stereotype and just about get away with it. It's easier to box things up in black and white (excuse the terrible pun). Football stands are not quite an intellectual forum of discussion and discourse, are they? Even if they do manage to birth some splendid moments of comic genius in the way of non-offensive chants and banners. I guess that stereotype for many of us is acting the caveman when in fact we all take a cheeky look at a broadsheet from time to time.

Of course, there is still an element that is stuck in the past and take themselves far too seriously, with no grasp of what is right and wrong.

The article obviously does the unsurprising thing of dragging back the 'racist and homophobic' story that caused such a stir in the aftermath of the chanting that took place at the Pompey v Spurs game that led to several mug shots of Spurs fans appearing on the Most Wanted list.

Which is the reason for my reflex and this blog article.

This (the racist and homophobic chanting), according to Cross, is punishment for leaving Spurs on a Bosman. We are then given some trivia about his England career and that just because Campbell isn't spotted with a Page 3 bird doesn't mean he should be subjected to mindless chanting.

'Family man' Campbell should not be singled out for this type of abuse. And I agree. But lets not lose sight of the facts. A minority sang those chants. The majority don't include racism and homophobic chanting when telling Campbell what they think of him.

The article then mentions one or two other high profile players as examples of professionals who are also subjected to similar chants. Not that you will ever hear any of the players complain about it in casual newspaper articles or proceed to bang on about it for years and years. Cross highlights an example of an Arsenal fan calling a Fulham player a 'f**king poof'', yet the article still manages to end with a reference to Tottenham fans. But then the whole article is an exercise in the Campbell is good, Spurs fans are bad agenda.

You can read the piece in it's entirety here and make your own mind up. Cross ends it with the following: "Boo him, hate him, whatever. But don't abuse him".

Ok. Thanks for the permission and clarification. Can I quote you next time Spurs play Pompey? Try taking the average football supporter aside and define what constitutes the difference in hate and abuse when being actively vocal at a football match.

I don't condone racism or homophonic chanting. The Lunacy song that caused so much unwanted publicity was distasteful, but a court of law did not deem it either racist or homophonic. Possibly because its so ambiguous and impossible to prove one way or another. The Spurs fans arrested and charged were done so (in the end) for singing more simple and crude chants. The type that police and stewards and players and the media have not deemed newsworthy in the past. Although if the intent is of a certain over the top and vindictive nature, then you deserve to get done. Whether they would have got done if the player had not made an official complaint is altogether another thing.

Not suggesting by the way that the Lunacy song is now ok to sing. It isn't. Spurs and the police act on it if they witness anyone stupid enough to burst into song. But the song is not what its made out to be by Campbell and some quarters of the media. I'm referring to the insulting and ridiculous suggestion that Spurs fans are aware of racist connotations relating to having black people from trees in 'racist America' a number of years ago. And that we are singling out the player because he is black and that's the reason we hate him.

<--- Insert tumbleweed here --->

Bullshit. Regardless, a way for us to avoid these accusations being made in the first place is to not sing the song full stop. Hum it. Don't sing it.

As a simple note to Cross and Campbell, even though I think Spurs fans should move on and forget about him, the majority won't because they know that the booing and hatred still gets to Campbell on the pitch and affects his game. And for that reason, it's justified to boo and scream non-racist and non-homophobic chants in his direction.

The Pièce de résistance however is when Cross calls him a footballer with a conscience. Comedy gold right there from our Mirror journo.

All I see is a former Spurs youth player and first team captain, Mr Tottenham Hotspur (that's the name he gave himself) who couldn't keep his mouth shut about wanting to stay at the club and wanting to sign a new contract because he loved the club so much. A player who loved the club so much he left on a free transfer screwing us out of millions and then walked up the Seven Sisters and joined Arsenal, picking up a nice signing on bonus and then genuinely expecting Spurs fans to forgive and forget.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe I do. But I'm just sticking to the timeline and facts. Campbell would have still been hated if he had joined Arsenal but not as bad had he left like Carrick did for a massive fee and without the lies and deception that came before his departure. I say 'not as bad' but you know what I mean.

There is no integrity to be found in his soul, and it doesn't matter how many times he attempts to prove otherwise via the tabloids.

Remember his first return to WHL after he joined Arsenal? Remember the level of noise aimed at him every time he went near the ball? No homophobia or racism. Just 30,000 or so Spurs fans screaming hatred. It rattled him. However his response post-match was to call Spurs fans racist and thus that was the sole reason why he was being booed.

"What did I do?" has been the look on his face since his move away from N17. He honestly believes he has done nothing wrong.

As for Spurs fans being racist? No wonder Ledley King hardly ever plays for us. And that Lennon, we hate him too, lucky he can run so fast. And as for Jenas, it's not because he's so bloody inconsistent that we scream out expletives when he loses the ball or misplaces a pass - its because of the colour of his skin. Exfoliate damn it Jermaine, exfoliate!

<--- insert family of tumbleweed here --->

Do one Campbell. You too Cross.

Campbell is an absolute melter of the highest order and as much as Spurs fans bring it on themselves for living in the past and singing songs about him, he needs to stand tall and look the other way and just ignore it instead of constantly attempting to justify why we are the guilty ones.

Sticks and stones.

I should probably follow my own advice and look the other way too next time a red top runs a similar non-event article.

Why should Tottenham Fans respect Sol Campbell as a true servant to football? Don't ask the Daily Mirror. They don't quite have the answer.

Ding dong, Spurs are on song

Smoggie, Tranporter Bridge, James Cook, Paul Daniels, drug dealers, Roy Chubby Brown, youths with no front teeth, town not a city, the Parmo, Chris Rea - can you hear me, Chris Rea! Your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of beating!


Four goals. Clean sheet. Some more than decent passing and movement. Lennon (still) on fire. Modric pulling the strings. Keane off the mark. Pulling away from the drop zone. Three wins from a UEFA Cup spot. Knighthood on the cards for Redknapp. Opus available for £19.99 at the club shop. Bent playing down the middle of the pitch. Daniel Levy retires from football.

Ok, getting a little carried away. Back to reality.

4-0 win. Excellent response from the players. With so many games sandwiched together this past 2 weeks, Boro (much like Sunderland on Saturday) probably fancied their chances against a half-tired Spurs team welcoming back the 'rested' Keane and Palacios (Woody also declared fit for duty). Even though Boro started brightly anytime Lennon got hold of the ball and whizzed forward you sensed we'd be scoring goals and it was simply a case of how many based on how many we would concede in order to come out on top, because we are bound to concede, right? Well no, wrong.

Tuncay had opportunities and a disallowed goal. Downing, very early on, gave it a go to no avail. It was soon apparent that Boro's victory over Liverpool had more to do with Rafas men being outstandingly poor rather than Southgate masterminding a genius result.

We went one up thanks to Keane being left unmarked at the far post and after the disallowed Tuncay let-off, made it two with Modric (ooh that dummy!) laying it on for Pav and then three before half-time with Lennon notching his first after a wonderful passing move that included some great possession football.

Obviously, Boro being shit isn't enough of a guarantee for us to simply show up to claim the points. We're a soft touch at the best of times. In games like this we need to turn up and turn it on. And we did just that. Got lucky at the back a couple of times, but there was confident football on display, and a bit of hunger and desire going forward. Wasn't by any stretch of the imagination a dominating victory but it was a reminder of the quality we do possess and what happens when we knock it around with a little bit of swagger. And yes, it was still Boro and up and coming opposition won't be this easy to pull apart.

But a win was required and a win is what the players and management gave us, so well done to all.

Sunderland away up next (which no doubt will be a bruising encounter) is where we need to show another side to our digging deep ethos. An ethos missing for the best part of the season from one week to the next. Harry, who is much maligned for his soundbites, is probably quietly aiming for us to finish as high as possible, but will continue to downplay it for greater effect. As long as the players know that beating Boro was simply one step in the right direction.

What makes this season a complete mockery is that as mediocre as we've been on so many many occasions, we are still a handful of points adrift of West Ham who have only won 3 more games than us all season. And they're meant to be having a good one. And yet two defeats might see us pulled back into the mire at the bottom. A fully confident swashbuckling Spurs side wouldn't have a single Spurs fan worried about the relegation scrap. Half a swashbuckling side will see us right. We've got more than half at the minute. Harry has to make sure the expectation level is just about right to see us through to the final game.

The fact we didn't disgrace ourselves at Wembley proves we can still muster up the big day occasion too, and even though we have some tricky opposition ahead of us, I'm certain we'll compete and pick up some unexpected points. It was nice to see us compete against the lesser opposition last night. Bread and butter.

Back to the game, Boro came back in the second half with us a just a little on the back foot, but still didn't stop us notching up a 4th. Happy days.

Lennon's burst of pace and his trademark mazy runs. Modric's dummy for the Pav goal. Both stuck smiles back on the faces of the faithful.

BAE continues to impress. Pavyluchenko's work ethic is also under-rated (he'll be twice the player once he's 100% after the summer). Darren Bent however just doesn't do it for me. I'm not the only person to note he's always wondering to wide positions. Jenas was quiet, Palacios good but not great (saving that extra bit of energy for the games ahead) and Keane showing us a glimpse of what we've been missing. All in all, some individuals excelled, whilst others didn't have to bother.

Well done. We needed that. We need it again on Saturday.

The Astonishing Spurs Men

Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.

These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with inconsistent abilities which generally manifest themselves in games against lesser opposition.

Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).

The S-Men have been funded by the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, overseeing the training of young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect them from the evil that is the all-seeing Wengeto, the rich and brutal Head-Hunters and other threats like away games, hotel food and relegation.

Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, formally aided by the scouting super-computer Cerebrolli which helped him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their potential and their black and white forefathers.

This is...

T H E ~ S – M E N

“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very good” – Jelverine

Professor L

Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Master of Money, The Accountant
Abilities: Using mind control has the ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced merchandise and other clubs into giving him inflated amounts of money for unwanted members of the team. Memory manipulation via official club statements allows him to re-write past events and avoid prolonged backlashes when removing a manager. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of score draws and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. Inventor of The Foundation which is a weapon of mass destruction that is used to punish those who dare attempt to outsmart him. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.

The Escapist

Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Harry Redknapp, Houdini, Judas, The Tick
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Redknapp has altered reality with the three simple words “Down to barebones” on numerous occasions. However, the reality warp fades after a short time, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle before he can regain the power to muster up another realtity warp. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.

Incapable

Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder, International class
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is also able to run with the ball at locomotive speeds in one direction and dance.

The Enigma

Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Darren Bent
Abilities: Instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness the moment he steps out on it thanks to the generation of magnetic fields used to manipulate the space around him so that he is constantly isolated and nowhere near the run of play. Can still muster up a goal from nothing, via a deflection/lucky bounce/poor back pass/off his shin.

Starjump

Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: David Bentley, The New Beckham
Abilities: The pin up boy of the S-Men and a former member of The Arsenal Club. Can kick balls into rubbish tips from great distance. Has the ability of copying others who possess superhuman powers and abilities (David Beckham being the energy source he attempts to tap into). But possession of these astronomical abilities have yet to materialise other than one particular creative bomb launched from centre-midfield that silenced his former team-mates at the Emirates. Confident, assured and assertive off the pitch, non-existent on it. Does look good with hair highlights.

Jinxy

Species: Left-back, left-midfielder
Notable aliases: Gareth Bale, The Hoodoo
Abilities: Incredible 'bad-luck' through subconscious manipulation of quantum probability on the pitch. Signature weapon allows him to create a vortex that sucks all possibility of victory into it and sends it to oblivion forever.

Mercenary

Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda, Shimbomba
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wanted to leave the S-Men, and found himself swaggering his way out of the Institute to Sunderland and then back again. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.

Flapper

Species: Goalkeeper
Notable aliases: Gomes, ffs
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. A master strategist and tactician at master-stroking a loss of at least 10 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’

Jerlverine

Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius, potentially world-class
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Recently went missing (was he injured or did he venture out in a mission of self-discovery?) allegedly returning to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.

Cumbersome

Species: Midfielder Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Requires healthy portions of Ketchup and mayo with his food to help retain abilities.



There we have it. The S-Men. There are others but this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the single ambition to succeed expectations.

Will they help avoid decimation and extinction?

Stay tuned to find out.

Stand up for your right....to stand up at football matches

Spoken to a number of people since the Cup final on Sunday and I've heard various accounts of Spurs fans arguing and in some instances fighting amongst themselves. Ironic that before kick off I was chatting to the Old Bill and one officer in particular who has to police the Millwall home games. He spoke about how Millwall fans just fight each other if opposing fans don't offer a challenge.

"They just fight for the sake of it. It's like something from the 80's. We're hoping they don't get promoted this season"

He also said it was a welcome break to be surrounded by 'proper fans'. Obviously, he'd have changed his mind a little if he witnessed one or two of the scuffles that took place in the ground after kick-off. It’s nothing new. I've witnessed it at away games on several occasions.

Some people want to stand and watch the game. Others want to sit.

Obviously, you'll find fathers of kids protesting for obvious reasons if the people in front are standing up. And in some parts of the ground, making most of the seat you’ve paid for is the only reasonable thing to do simply because of the distance you are to the pitch. But down in the lower tiers and behind the goal, it’s altogether a different culture. It’s almost a necessity to stand. Singing when sitting on your bum is ridiculous. And let’s face it, when your team drives forward, everyone gets off their seats in anticipation of a goal anyway. Sitting down only ever seems to happen out of pure boredom if the game is inciting sleep.

I was 'sat' in block 134 and spent the entirety of the game standing up, with practically everyone around me doing the same thing, but then we're behind the goal so its almost expected to be the case much like it is at the Park Lane end at White Hart Lane and various other grounds across the country. Nobody asks anyone to sit down because its just the way it is.

It's a ridiculous situation to have fans turn on each other. No idea what the police and steward response time was for all the pockets of punch-ups that broke out. But I’ll come back to this in a moment.

So what about a resolution? Designated standing areas would work a treat for people who want to stand at games. Can't fathom why it’s such a major headache for clubs and stewards to cater for. We get the usual 'sit down or lose your seat' propaganda at Spurs with a little emotional blackmail thrown in about how the council could close down stands us punishment to the club for fans persistently standing.

Is it to do with fire hazard regulations? Health and Safety? If you're sat down, you'll have to bleeding well stand up to leave the stand anyway. The fact there are seats at games means over-crowding is impossible, so what's the problem? Not a single Wembley steward at any point in time walked over to ask us to sit down. Was it because we stood behind the goal near the pitch and not high up in the Gods? If so, is this admittance that’s its actually ok for fans to stand up at games and stewards and police don’t bother with a polite ‘sit down please’?

Elsewhere, if it’s not permitted (up in the Gods or upper tiers) I can understand why it would be a nuisance to the majority if a minority stand. Stewards should be enforcing the policy that in those areas, people must be sat down. Allowing people to stand will lead to other fans asking them to sit, which then leads to arguments and fights. So all the pockets of punch ups that occurred on Sunday could have been stopped if stewards and police acted more responsible by instructing people to sit.

Time for clubs to listen to the fans. Some of us want to stand. It makes for better atmosphere. And the best place for it is behind the goals. If its made known this is an official designated ‘standing area’ of the ground and a no-standing policy is policed in other areas of the ground, then people will respect that. Considering alcohol can no longer be consumed in view of the pitch (works fine in Germany) and at times supporters can be punished for colourful language and get charged a small fortune for the privilege, I think it’s time we had some slack cut for us.

Or maybe I should accept defeat and admit that going to the football is no longer the escapism it once was and is instead neatly packaged family oriented entertainment for the middle class that like their ribs and wine at half time.

Don't fret....there's always next year

Carling Cup? Never rated it anyway. Mickey Mouse competition.

Sigh.

So here we are, the day after a cup final defeat. Feels a little bit shitty, doesn't it? I despise penalty shoot-outs. Damn you Champions League and the death of cup replays. I guess technically speaking we didn't actually lose (DVD release imminent?). The 'reserve' edition of the best club in the world couldn't beat us in open play. Rejoice!

As for those pesky pens. Not sure why O'Hara took the first one. He got it on target at least. Foster and his ipod will haunt him for a while yet I'm sure. He wears his heart on his sleeve does Jamie, so no doubting the reception he'll get on Wednesday will lift him. As for David Bentley, his scoffed shot sums up his season perfectly. An embarrassment of a mis-hit. But top drawer players as well as the ones lacking form are equally likely to miss or score on such an occasion. Well, discounting the ones in red. It's just so bloody typical a player with a decent shot on him completely mis-kicks the ball in the manner he did. And doubly typical that given a chance for a little redemption he cocks it up. I blame those star jumps. Penalty aside, he made little impact on the pitch when he did come on.

Harry looking good in the suit Ramos left behind

Think it was pretty obvious we'd lose this after extra-time ended. Pessimism gave me a tap on the shoulder and wink of despair. Shame though, because on the day neither side deserved to go home empty handed based on effort and opportunities. Someone obviously does. Obviously. And alas it was us.

Never thought the game would go the full distance based on the opening 15 minutes. United took us apart, but we got into the game and after that possession was shared fairly equally with both sides creating chances. Not the best Cup final, but it gave us plenty of gasps.

United might have launched one or two screamers towards goal, but we had our moments too. Mostly from the lickle boy Lennon who had an outstanding day out. Yes, the end product isn't perfect, but the mazzy runs are. Modric also superb - and both players could have had a Wembley moment to saviour. Shame we had to sub Aaron. Adel would have had a lot of fun out there with his tricks and clever feet and it's a shame he didn't get a cameo.

View from my seat

The much maligned Bent had an effort on goal. Run around a lot, usually in the wrong direction. Spiffing stuff. Pav ballsed up a couple of chances including one that come from a sweet pass from a locomotive Zokora bursting down the middle of the pitch. Zoko was mightily impressive. Where is this version of the player 95% of the time when required in the bread and butter games? As for Pav - he should not have been subbed. 4-5-1 grates me. And although he spooned a couple of efforts, we looked more structured with two up front. Harry might have got this wrong.

Ronaldo entertained with his usual dramatics, falling over whenever he was 'touched' by a Lilywhite. Chris Foy, our esteemed referee, made up for various inconsistencies by yellow-carding the winker. Penalty? Nope. Was already heading for the ground when King clipped him. Talking of cards, O'Shea should have walked but Mr Foy decided otherwise. Seems certain fouls at certain points in the game are worthy of a yellow but punishment for a similar foul to a player already on a yellow - wearing red - is not. Bah, who cares. Happens all the time. Fergie was obviously worried thus replacing him for Vidic. Who was superb. Talking of defenders, so was King and Ferdinand. And Dawson who has made a miraculous return to consistent form (his distribution is crap but I still love him).

Neither side had that cutting edge or bit of luck to claim glory inside 120 minutes. Anyone surprised that Utd won the toss to have the pens in front of their own fans? And the toss to select who takes the first pen? Footballing Gods, damn you.

Get the pen on target and you can't really complain that much if it fails to go in. If the keeper guesses right, he has a chance of saving it. If the pen taker strikes it with power or places it, then the keeper has no chance. I guess, if you practise them and have the confidence (and don't lose your bottle) you have a chance. More than a chance. At the purest simplistic level, penalty taking should be easy. Aim for the part of the goal that the keeper has no chance of getting to. If only it was that simple. It's 99% about mentality. That's where it's won.

Don't think we stood a chance to be perfectly honest. Don't quite grasp why Bent wasn't taking the first kick. I guess it's fairly evident we don't have many penalty takers in the side. Bentley continues to scapegoat himself towards public enemy number one. Take a bow son. Jenas must be smiling. Although no frowning for JJ yesterday. He too impressed making it a WTF double with him and Didier doing the biz. Although one or two fans in the stands seemed to nitpick a little too much on Jenas. I thought he showed spirit, if lacking in box-2-box creative enterprise.

Wembley mocks me with its sad smile

Oh well, there is always next season. We gave it some. Played like a team, some decent approach play and some almost moments that had my heart sat firmly in my mouth.

Other random highlights:

• Man Utd fans leaving after the winning penalty. I find that quite hilarious. Witnessing the lifting of a two-bob cup not as vital as that train back to Surrey, hey?
  
• Had a conversation with a police officer inside the stadium prior to the game. Pleasant chap, not into football. He usually has to settle for Millwall home games every other week the poor sod. "Nice to see some proper fans" he said to me. I told him that's not usually what others would call us, but I accepted the compliment.
• The Fanometer. Football dies a little more.
  

Onwards we go to our third successive Cup final, following on from yesterday and the Hull win the week before.

Boro at home. My knees and Harry's face still trembling.

From the horses mouth: Spurs players are thick

Anyone catch that paragon of comedy genius Soccer AM this morning? There's a segment on it called Team Mates that has questions posed to a player or players from the same club asking them who the club joker is, the biggest moaner, most skilful etc etc.

Darren Bent and Michael Dawson answered the questions today, which included 'Chimbonda' when both were asked to inform us of the 'Worst trainer' at the club. He has apparently got worse than he was prior to his move to Sunderland. Lovely stuff. He's also the biggest cock at the club. No need to stand next to him in the shower to know that.

Robbie Keane is the biggest moaner believe it or not. Palacios the club hard man (who tackles as hard in training as he does in a proper match) and Adel the most skilful. Woody is the club joker, which is surprising because I've always found that Zokora in the middle of the park makes me laugh till my sides split.

The most telling moment however came when the question "Who is the most intelligent?" was asked. Darren Bent responded with the gem:

"We're a little bit of a thick team so I can't think of too many people that are intelligent!"







And on that bombshell.......

Encore? Not likely - Phantom UEFA dream is over

I didn't watch the game on Thursday evening. Instead, I found myself sat at Her Majesty's Theatre in row B (there is no row A by the way, the orchestra is sandwiched between us and the stage). The Phantom of the Opera (two and a half hours including the interval) was endured by my good self and my partner thanks largely to, well me, after purchasing tickets for her as a present at Xmas. I didn't consider checking the fixture list prior to the booking. A lapse that didn't bother me as much as I would have hoped.

As I watched the tragic tale of the opera ghost unfold I couldn't help draw parallels between his existence and Tottenham's.

The Phantom is a genius composer. A magician, who hides behind a white mask.
Spurs have had their moments of genius. And a magician or two. But we too are always hiding. Behind past glories.

I'm pushing it a little with this parallel angle, aren't I? Work with me. I'm low on creative juice at the minute.

In Act II there's a jolly old sing-a-long by the name of Masquerade.

Masquerade! Hide your face, so the world will never find you!

I half expected David Bentley to swan across the stage floor with a can of Red Bull in his hand.

The Phantom himself is a grim, depressive and manic nut-job, which best describes most of our fans. I'm joking guys, just joking. Apart from you-lot-in-the-you-know-what stand. You guys kill me.

His (the Phantom) erraticness does interestingly enough have some rather Jenasesque qualities (our very own phantom of the Lane), especially some of the shrugs and head in hand holding towards the end of the show. I almost stood up and yelled 'believe in yourself lad', but thankfully this played out only in my head.

One of the set-pieces during the show involved a chandelier that comes crashing down to earth. A nice visual analogy for our hopes and ambitions which sit high up in the rafters, illuminating, before sabotage makes gravity's life easy. Waiting for it to be restored it to its original grandeur has been the bane of our lives.

No phone reception inside the theatre so it wasn't until the conclusion of Act II and a swift exit outside into the cold London night that I got the chance to browse to the final scores on my trusted Nokia.

1-1 FT. Not the most exciting scoreline.

Wasn't disappointed because my expectations were never high. But this morning, having now regained a rather nifty 8Mb connection at my new residence, I had a gander at one or two write-up's and from the sounds of it the cello-taped together side fielded by our chief in command came pretty close to causing an upset.

Gio scored a belter. O'Hara industrious. Obika a rugged force up-front. Apparently Gilberto was very good (although I'll need more than 5 people to confirm this before I believe it). Huddlestone spaying balls about. Bale a revelation in midfield. The referee a git all over the field. The man with the whistle disallowing a penalty that would have surely inspired the young side to push on.

But you know this already, as you've seen the game/highlights whilst as I'm still humming The Music of the Night and skipping around the flat on my toes.

However other reports suggest that the performance was far from great. Huddlestone, pedestrian. Bale not looking out of place alongside academy players. Chimbonda, a bit rubbish. All a bit low key apparently.

So was the game worth the effort for the fans who did attend? Please do share your insight. The Sun seemed to like our performance, so who am I to question their integrity? Rhetorical, don't answer.

I'm still relatively busy with unpacking boxes and at the minute patiently waiting for the Sky engineer to come round and do his thing, so I'm still part-time blogging. Sunday is now in everyone's mind and I'm looking forward to dislocating myself from the shoulder of league football as we (hope) to do our bestest against the Man Utd reserves with special guest appearances from a few superstar first teamers, I'm sure . I'll pop it back in after the final whistle. Hopefully won't be too painful.

Fingers crossed Spurs can remove their mask to reveal no disfigurement. Just a pure unmarked face of beauty. What I mean is, I hope we turn up, turn it on and dick 'em. A bit like last time out against Chelsea. No disappearing into nothingness thank you very much.

Berbatov is not in the squad for the final. But Vidic, Ferdinand, Nani, Ronaldo, Giggs, Carrick, Scholes, Tevez and Rooney all are. Along with one or two other first team players.

No Keane or Wilson for us and Frazier Campbell can't play due to the loan agreement. Bet you're gutted about that last one. Darren Bent is available and in the squad. If he scores the winner, I'll stick him in my good books until the next league game where, believe me, I'll go back to slating him. The good for nothing no spark no creative juice one dimensional Raziak clone. I hate you Darren Bent.....do ya hear me? I hate you and your self-satisfying goal ratio!

Predictions? It's a one off, so the game is likely to be far closer than most might expect. Then again, depends on the team Fergie starts with and how our lot react to it. We do love these types of occasions. Players find it more comfortable to raise their game and perform in a Cup final than let's say a six-pointer at the depths of the Premier League.

So COYS, up the Spurs, let's do it again etc etc. Write us up another glorious page for the next revision of the Opus.

Spurs overhull City to claim Cup final victory

Woodgate header, 2-1, winning goal. We've been here before haven't we? No fireworks at the final whistle this time round, but the importance of claiming the three points practically pushes this result into open bus parade territory.

Spurs have been to Hull and back. No glory football here. First half performance was gash, only highlight a rather deliciously curled opening goal from Lennon who had all the time in the world to blast it in, but preferred instead to add a little gloss to proceedings and show off some of that end product he has plucked from the frustrating realm of eternal potential. He remains our one bright spark in the dark gloomy basement that the past year has been. Hull's equaliser was assisted by Calamity Cudicini (Gomes must be jealous) who fumbled the ball, allowing for an easy slot to make it 1 a piece.

Dodgy at set pieces, less than confident goal-keeping. Here we go again, right? No, wrong. Rather than losing the game in the final moments, Woody planted his head on the ball to give us one of those rare moments. An away win. Fantasy football. School boys own stuff. Jumpers for goalposts.

Thoughts and prayers for Hull City who haven't won for 10 league games. Their dizzying holiday towards the top of the table nothing more than a distant memory. They can now consider themselves invited to the relegation party down at the bottom.

Thankfully as Hull walk through the front door with a bottle of cheap wine, we've managed to escape from the prank that saw us locked in the downstairs toilet to standing a little easier in the kitchen, which everyone knows is the best place to be at a party....even a party as depressing as this one. We need to focus now and try to flirt with the attractive lass giving us the eye. She's leaning up against the middle of the table, showing us a bit of leg. Boy would we like to climb up that leg. She's no babe, not like some of those top class European birds at the party up the road, but she'll do. Beggars can't be choosers. Aim to impress her with a little charm and slick moves and we'll be out the front door, into a taxi, and back at hers for a coffee leaving this party of losers behind. Now and again, it's ok to play ugly if it gets the right result.

We've now got the interference of the second leg of the UEFA Cup game on Thursday to look forward to. Which is a bit like going on a blind date and finding out your 'date' at the bar with the bow in her dress is your sister. It's inconvenient.

To be fair to Harry, it is a tad ludicrous the way the fixture list scoffs at us. And it's a crying shame the UEFA Cup has been relegated to insignificance thanks to our Premiership predicament. There's been much talk of how Harry has disgraced this clubs great traditions in Europe and how ironic it is that Spurs strive to get into Europe, something taken very seriously a couple of seasons back, to complete dismissiveness this term. Fact is, we have been crap all season long and attempting to win the UEFA Cup when our Prem survival is yet to be guaranteed is arrogance we can not afford. Arrogance probably too strong of a word there. What I mean is, we have by default devalued everything other than the league games thanks to our lack of consistency and form so pretending we can afford to play full strength teams in games that are not important in the grand scheme of things is misplaced. We could play a strong side and win, and take that confidence forward. Its agreeable logic, but the history of this season has served up one certainty: Spurs hardly ever turn up. I'd rather go out of the UEFA Cup, not lose any players to injury, and try to salvage some pride in the league.

I expect another reserve/youth team combo and a sharp exit out of the competition, but this being Spurs, I wouldn't be surprised if the complete opposite happened. Just for larks.

Sunday is now the new priority for the remaining week with Hull decimated. Utd, who we all hope get dicked by Inter this evening, will not be fielding a super-strength line-up at Wembley if they are a goal or two down by the final whistle tonight. Their second leg game at OT is obviously always going to be far more important than the Milk Cup. So amazingly, form aside, we do have a lickle chance of surprising Fergie on Sunday. Although their reserves are not going to be push-overs. And even with the Inter game sandwiching the Cup final, I still expect to see a superstar or two grace the field against us.

I'll be praying for some joy in what has been a joyless season. Fireworks in our favour please. Could even handle an Orish jig or two.



I'm still 'offline' and without internet access and will be travelling on Wednesday/Thursday so will resurface at some point on Friday.

Spurs need a bit of Viagra

I'm still 'Out of the Office'. Posting via a mobile phone.

Either this has worked and technology deserves a warm hug of affection or it hasn't and this submission has been lost somewhere in cyberspace, forever drifting like the Littlest Hobo, never quite finding a home. You'll probably be hoping for the latter.

No such luck for you then.

Talking of home, I've spent the past three days moving residence (I have a huge collection of Levy effigies) and will be without a broadband connection until Friday as long as the BT engineer turns up and my Simultaneous Provide goes according to plan.

I'm also getting Sky installed, which is something I haven't had for a year due to my last property sitting in front of very tall and very annoying trees meaning reception was non-existent. I've been streaming football and going to the pub in its absence and tbh it's been a refreshing sabbatical not to watch Richard Keyes and Jamie Redknapp fabricate controversy and hype. However, I've always enjoyed the pantomime and will be glad for the coverage simply because I've grown tired of delayed coverage on the streams. That and Chinese John Motson styled commentary is far too excitable for my likening.

Football on ITV is also a joke and I as much as I don't actually mind the Beeb, I find myself screaming abuse at Adrian Chiles and his yo-yo voice which annoyingly increases and decreases in volume. Adrian, word of advice, whispering doesn't go down too well on television. Speak up, stick a bit of oomph into it man. Having him host Match of the Day with those two paragons of personality, Lee Dixon and the caveman, must surely be proof of the BBC experimenting in subliminal mind control. How else do you manage to get through it without falling into a coma?

So normal blogging service to be resumed over the weekend. Although will be out on Sunday for the best part of it. Got a ticket for a show. Will also be making some changes, not directly with this blog but more so with my online activity. I've decided for various reasons to exile myself from Glory-Glory.co.uk. Its a sacrifice for the greater good and one that will benefit both parties. I've become far too accustomed to the culture of posting there to the point where its become too much of an influence on my blogging over here.

As for little old Tottenham, results over the weekend went in our favour and a win tonight away to Hull will see a much needed gap between us and the free fallers below appear.

Not read any papers or websites, so don't know what Redknapp has been telling the press this week - although I'd hazard a guess it has something to do with the congested fixture list. All I know is, we should have all our first-teamers back and ready for action. If the UEFA Cup cock-up (down) was limp, then this evening must be nothing more than rock hard for the full 90 minutes. No more last minute premature accidents which have embarrassed us on the past four Prem occasions away from the Lane thank you very much.

I've been posting articles best described at 'Battle Cries' for the best part of the season, proclaiming the importance of the game and how imperative it is to claim all points. I'm now quite bored of doing this because we always seem to falter and fail. So I'm not going to say anything more on the subject. It's now over to Tottenham to do the talking on the pitch.

Glory Glory for Tottenham: Flashback to Carling Cup win

I'm about to disappear on a hiatus of sorts. I'll sporadically post when I can but the next week or so you'll have to make do with Harry and loads of action. I'm sure you'll survive without my inane rants. But if you have become accustomed to them and need a fix to get you by, the boys and girls over at the hellmouth will help you with your addiction. You'll find them to be of a special type of crazy there. Otherwise, if you fancy your own hiatus, try something different.

But enough of the blatant advertising. Time for that flux capacitor to do it's thing.

Date: 25th Febuary 2008
Place: Back pages of the Evening Standard

Dicking Chelsea the day before was wonderful. Unfortunately, the quotes haven't aged too well.


"This just goes to show what he has done in a short amount of time. It's no fluke because he did it at Sevilla as well so he must have something really special. Certain managers have that luck about them. He has certainly done a tremendous job. To have a trophy after a few months is an incredible achievement" - Robbie Keane on 'Our Special Juan'

"The way Tottenham stood up to Chelsea gives supporters a real hope that a new era of sustained success is finally about to begin at White Hart Lane" - Michael Hart, Chief Football Correspondent, Evening Standard

"We have a very good manager and he has proved it by winning the final. There was no pressure on Ramos, but this is a wonderful achievement for him and the players" - Daniel Levy

"I have a lot of football to come and will stay with the team. I'm confident there are more trophies to follow" - Ledley King

"I am here, I want to win things and hopefully this is the first of many for me. It means a lot to beat Chelsea, they are a fantastic team. When the final whistle blew it was an indescribable feeling. Everyone was happy and it was great to see so many smiles. It's a major trophy and we wanted European football again. This is our moment, but on Tuesday we start again. We have important games ahead of us. We have big goals ahead of us. The manager is a winner and he knows how to win things. This is his first trophy and I hope it's the first of many" - Dimitar Berbatov

"The team has been improving in terms of security and confidence and yesterday's win reaffirmed that. The players have shown they can concentrate and fight with the best of them" - Juande Ramos

"In the dressing room afterwards, the players were all saying 'now let's win the UEFA Cup'" - Robbie Keane


Back to the future and I can happily live (if we win it) with reading the quotes from Redknapp about how monumental it was to beat Utd in the final, proper David and Goliath stuff, because, you know...we're down to the bare bones. I'll even look the other way when Levy sanctions the release of the Carling Cup Double special edition DVD.

Coys, let's be 'aving you. I fancy starting the month of March with a big fat smile on my face.

Spurs lose and it doesn't matter.......does it?

The UEFA Cup doesn't matter. That's what we keep telling ourselves. At least that's what I keep repeating to myself as I rock back and forth very slowly, crawled up in the corner of the room as I hear the expert analysts on Channel 5 point out that Aston Villa are doing just dandy with a smaller squad, having played far more games than us. But Villa are settled and confident. We are nothing of the sort.

I some how manage to drag myself up from the floor and slump onto the sofa, only to suffer a relapse when I'm reminded of our crazy schedule under Ramos, who managed just fine with all the fixtures through out the UEFA Cup run. As I lay on my back mumbling something in tongues, I wonder if Redknapp is simply setting expectations so low that the simplicity of Premiership survival will be heralded as a miracle.

Did I get it all wrong? Did Harry get it wrong? Playing a mish-mashed team of youngsters, reserve players and out of form first teamers? Did we show contempt to the presitage of the UEFA Cup and its history and our history? And to our club? Was I wrong to dis-credit this competition, to agree with the sacrifice?

I black out.

I hear a voice. Is it in my head? Or is it the voice of reason?

We are in a relegation scrap....
Cup football doesn't matter.....
We need to keep our best players fit for the league....
There is no detrimental effect in losing 2-0. Our reserves lost 2-0....

I then hear another voice.

What about continuity?
Why can't we play our strongest team in every game and build on our confidence?
A win would breed a winning mentality....

I black out again.

I wake up, dizzy and confused, and ask myself the question, "Was it worth it? Was it worth accepting defeat before we even took the field of play?"

I pick myself up, and remember something I once read about how its better to fail aiming high than to succeed aiming low. There is no echo of glory this morning. Just the sound of regret as I whisper quietly for forgiveness.

Time to terminate Darren Bent

Yesterday I read some quotes from Darren Bent about how Harry should play his strongest side possible in the UEFA Cup and that the benefit to the team would be to aim to carry the (hopefully) winning momentum into the next league game. That’s all well and good Dazza, but we've already had plenty of opportunity to carry forward the momentum in important league games and have got nowhere, so there’s no logic to the suggestion, based on the inconsistency of our players and their failure to put a decent run together. We never win when we should be forcing the issue.

Bent has been very vocal in the past week or so and according to Setanta Sports is back at it again today in what looks like a reprise of his comments from last week:


“I’ve got a point to prove in that I want to show the gaffer what I can do and I want to be starting games. At the same time, I don’t think I’ve got anything to prove because I’ve scored goals this season. If I hadn’t done then I would – but I’m the top goal scorer at this football club so I feel like I can just go out there and relax. I don’t feel the pressure at all, I just go out there and enjoy it” - Darren Bent (allegedly)


For the time being I’m going to assume this is a direct quote from the mouth of Darren Bent and not a representative or an overly creative and bored journalist mish-mashing a mis-quote alphabet soup together. Until the player states he has been misquoted I’m going to assume the above quote is word-for-word what Darren believes and stated.

So, let’s break down his statement of intent.

Dazza has a point to prove to the gaffer, but hold onto ya hats, no he doesn’t because he’s scored a few goals this season and if he hadn’t he would have a point to prove which is what he said in the first place regardless of scoring those goals but he’s top goal scorer at Spurs so he can contradict himself as many times as he wishes.

That’s set that straight then.

And because he’s top 'club' goal scorer (worth mentioning again) he can take the field of play and relax. That’s right, Dazza feels no pressure at all. Because he has nothing to prove. It’s all just a walk in the park for the £15M poacher. He can take the field and chill out because that's just the type of player he is.

WALOB.

Firstly someone needs to take him aside and explain to him that we are in a relegation scrap. Secondly, he needs to watch extended highlights of his apologetic on the field mannerisms and rabbit in the headlights stature, all teary eyed and scared as glances motionless in the box holding onto his comfort blanket waiting for a ball to hit his shin and go in.

So you go out there and enjoy it do you Darren? Enjoy what exactly? The ambience of the stadium? The weather? Bit of fresh air and half time cup of tea? The melodic chants of the Park Lane? You’re not meant to enjoy it. There is nothing enjoyable about our dismal form and lack of consistent cutting edge as a team from one game to the next (consolation goals do not count). Not that you are to blame for it, but as an individual, you're not impressing anyone.

We are the ones who are meant to be enjoying it and when you see us doing so you can then take a slice of satisfaction from it. I don’t believe for a second that you’re half as confident as you’re making out to be, mouthing off to the press every other day. So unless you are pulling some kind of Joaquin Phoenix method acting publicity stunt and you're not really a complete messy paradox of a player you need to be doing more on the the pitch and less of the talking off it to prove your worth.

I don’t care about your goal ratio. I don't care that you are the top scorer at Spurs. It's not enough to think that minimal effort is satisfactory because minimal effort equates to 14 goals. I want to see more effort and more willingness. I want to see you develop your game. I want to see you adapt to the formation and tactics of the team. I want to see you score more goals.

But no. That's too much for you isn't it? We don't ever see any of that extra effort. All I ever see from you is ah-da-da-dah like this in the background holding your head missing a sitter. What the f*ck is it with you? What don’t you understand? You got any f*cking idea? It’s f*cking counter-productive having somebody that does nothing in front of the midfield during a game? Give me a f*cking answer! What don’t you get about your lack of effort?

Ohhhhhh, gooooood for you, you scored a couple of goals up at Bolton. I hope it was f*cking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?

F*cks sake man, you’re amateur. Harry, you got f*cking something to say to this dud other than comparing him to your wife? No? Well somebody should be f*cking watching and keeping an eye on him.

He doesn’t give a f*ck about what is going on around him. I’m trying to support the team here and I am going “What the f*ck does Darren Bent do exactly? What is he doing here?” Do you understand my mind is not on the game when you're out on the pitch?

Stay the f*ck away from the media. For f*cks sake.

You are trashing my club.

You mouth off one more f*cking time and I ain't going back to the Spurs Shop and spending money on merchandise if you're still playing shit. I'm f*cking serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't f*cking cut it when you're f*cking around like this on the pitch and doing nothing much and then giving it the big billy bollocks in the press.

Seriously, you and me, we’re f*cking down, professionally.

Let There Be Love

And there I was thinking it’s been a slow week for news.

Noel Gallagher has launched an amazing rant against Tottenham Hotspur (amazing and rant are not my words, but the words the press are going with. I'd prefer to describe the rant as acquiesce):

"I've told him (his son) he can support his local team down here if that's what he wants - but he can't support Man Utd or Tottenham. I have an irrational loathing of Spurs, their fans and everything about that club"

Really? Do you? You and half the country you absolute melter.

So you've banned your 17 month old son from ever following the club? Cognisant already at such a young age? What a perceptive young lad you’ve got there. How about giving our kid a crayon and some paper and get him to pen the next Oasis album. Just get him to rhyme as many words as possible with shine and you can’t go wrong.

If any cockney Darth Vaders out there want to bring their Oasis LP's and CD's to the next Tottenham home game please do. Martin Chivers will be burning them in the centre circle.