Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Tottenham's transfer policy explained...


White Hart Lane. The chairman’s office. A few weeks back...


HARRY: We need some proper players here.
LEVY: Ok, not a problem. Let me just get Damien in here and…
HARRY: Comolli? You sacked him.
LEVY: Oh yes, of course I did. Laugh out loud!
HARRY: Come on Daniel, breathe nice and slow, here...take a seat, I’ll fetch you a glass of water.
LEVY: I’m not sure I can make...make any suggestions.
HARRY: You let me worry about the targets. Make sure you’ve got the readies ready for Redknapp. HAHAHA, got to use that one next time I speak to the boys from the press.
LEVY: Who are you after?
HARRY: For a start, Defoe. They love ‘em here. We should bring him back.
LEVY: He’ll cost more than we sold him for.
HARRY: Pompey owe £5M for Kaboul, so we can write that off as part of the deal.
LEVY: That might just work. I’ll earmark £15M for Jermain.
HARRY: We also need a proper midfielder. A DM, holding type of midfielder. Not enough grit from the current lot.
LEVY: Any thoughts?
HARRY: Not sure at the minute. Shame Diarra went to Madrid. Might need to watch Match of the Day to get an idea of what’s available. Or take a trip to Africa. All expenses paid of course.
LEVY: Well, we could…
HARRY: What?
LEVY: There’s a formula Damien and myself would use when we signed players. We could possibly implement it now. It’s effective. Worked with Bale, Bentley, Gomes and Pav.
HARRY: I’m all ears.
LEVY: Well, based on Fantasy Football points accumulated and tabloid reporting and tv highlights we calculate who is considered to be the most hyped up player of the past month.
HARRY: Ok. Then what.
LEVY: We bid between £14M and £16M for him.
HARRY: You know...that might just work.
LEVY: There is another system which is equally as affective.
HARRY: Hold on, let me get a notepad.....go on…
LEVY: We buy whoever played well against us.
HARRY: That’s brilliant! Gives us plenty of targets to choose from. We’ll use this going forward.
LEVY: You don’t want to use your system?
HARRY: What system?
LEVY: ...
HARRY: ...
LEVY: Right. Targets.
HARRY: I want Bellamy.
LEVY: Hold on, we haven’t used the formula.
HARRY: He’s scoring goals, he’s on form. He’s got grit and determination.
LEVY: I’ll call West Ham.
HARRY: Bid £12M, that should do it. West Ham are desperate for the cash.
LEVY: Ok.
HARRY: And Defoe?
LEVY: Already made a bid.
HARRY: How?
LEVY: Blackberry.
HARRY: Triffic. Triffic. Love modern technology. Only had paper back in my day.
LEVY: I was right getting rid of the director of football system wasn’t I?
HARRY: Of course you were, of course. Can you use that Bluebell thingie to text Duxbury about Bellamy?
LEVY: Also done. Fingers slipped though, and I bid £15M for him.
HARRY: Triffic. We work well together, don’t we?
LEVY: We do. Director of football? Who needs one?
HARRY: Not us! Let’s get Appiah in for a trial.
LEVY: Harry, Harry, Harry…the formula! The formula!!
HARRY: I know, I know, but he’s a free agent.
LEVY: Sorry, he’s a what?
HARRY: A free agent.
LEVY: I don’t get it.
HARRY: He’s free. He won’t cost us anything.
LEVY: He won’t cost us anything?
HARRY: That’s right.
LEVY: So, he’ll cost us something?
HARRY: No, he won’t cost us anything...something...we don’t need to pay a transfer fee. He’s free.
LEVY: But...but someone needs to be paid.
HARRY: Well, there’s his wages to consider. Signing-on fee.
LEVY: Not...enough...someone...must...be...paid…
HARRY: Daniel...Daniel, breathe...that’s it...here’s your paper bag...breathe...that’s it...
LEVY: Can we talk about something else?
HARRY: Yeah, of course...of course.
LEVY: Good, good.
HARRY: How about Palacios?
LEVY: The Wigan player?
HARRY: Yes. Perfect fit, upgrade on Zokora.
LEVY: He can pass and tackle?
HARRY: Yes.
LEVY: Can he dance?
HARRY: I...I don’t know.
LEVY: Ok, hold on. Let me look at the formula…
HARRY: ...
LEVY: ...
HARRY: So...?
LEVY: Hold on a sec...And we...YES!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! HE FITS THE BILL!!!!!
HARRY: Daniel, Dan mate...get down from up there, you’ll break your back!
LEVY: Stop your worrying! Today is a good day!
HARRY: So, Palacios?
LEVY: Texting via my Blackberry as I speak.
HARRY: Another £15M?
LEVY: Just under actually.
HARRY: Really?
LEVY: I’m feeling a little cheeky...

23 comments:

i-yid said...

NAIL ON HEAD


:)

Richard said...

I'm not averse to a little satire, and though I have no particular problem with Levy, I can almost see the point you're trying to make.

But christ, that was sixth form stuff at best.

Anonymous said...

Put a sock in it

spooky said...

Considering some of the responses my articles get, I reckon Sixth Form is just about right for some people.

Cheers for the feedback.

Anonymous said...

That was pretty funny i m o. Don;t think it's meant to be anything more than what it was.

Anonymous said...

Richard, if you bothered to look around the blog you'd see if there's one person who CAN do satire, its Spooky. Read his letters to Levy.

Formula is just about right too. When do we ever sign a bargain?

Gilberto?
Rocha?

I guess that's why we spend the £15M. At least £15M excites the fans.

Oracle said...

You can almost see the point? Spooky was as subtle as a brick through a window.

Loved it.

Anonymous said...

PALACIOS ON HIS WAY!!

Permit only thing that needs to be confirmed.

Not sure he's a traditional DM though.

Anonymous said...

... and I was almost sure that FM was being used in "The Formula"!

lol Spooky

spooky said...

Mentioning FM would have been Fifth Grade stuff.

:p

Anonymous said...

"HARRY: Another £15M?
LEVY: Just under actually.
HARRY: Really?
LEVY: I’m feeling a little cheeky"


BAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

HARRY: Not us! Let’s get Appiah in for a trial.
LEVY: Harry, Harry, Harry…the formula! The formula!!
HARRY: I know, I know, but he’s a free agent.
LEVY: Sorry, he’s a what?
HARRY: A free agent.
LEVY: I don’t get it.
HARRY: He’s free. He won’t cost us anything.
LEVY: He won’t cost us anything?
HARRY: That’s right.
LEVY: So, he’ll cost us something?
HARRY: No, he won’t cost us anything...something...we don’t need to pay a transfer fee. He’s free.
LEVY: But...but someone needs to be paid.

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Very very funny
And probably worryingly close to the truth
All that said, if Palacios adds a bit of bite in midfield I am happy to remain to remain a self-flagellating figure og lilywhite ridicule until the next window dawns...
COYS

Anonymous said...

I thought it was funny

Anonymous said...

Splendid use of the Pinteresque pause. Can't imagine Redknapp managing to keep his gob shut though.

meee93 said...

"LEVY: Well, based on Fantasy Football points accumulated and tabloid reporting and tv highlights we calculate who is considered to be the most hyped up player of the past month.
HARRY: Ok. Then what.
LEVY: We bid between £14M and £16M for him.
HARRY: You know...that might just work.
LEVY: There is another system which is equally as affective.
HARRY: Hold on, let me get a notepad.....go on…
LEVY: We buy whoever played well against us.
HARRY: That’s brilliant! Gives us plenty of targets to choose from. We’ll use this going forward."

lol, loved that

sleek said...

you stupid fucking cunt

Mr.T said...

I think the best possible scenario would be you detonating a suicide bomb in Levy's office. Do something useful like that instead.

Dack said...

Never mind Richard, spooky. He's an unemployed ex-bookie with no future.

Oz yid said...

his main priority should be to not buy players who leave us under the pump

spooky said...

"you stupid fucking cunt"


Another satisfied customer.

West Stand Bagel said...

Palacios has signed for £12M!!

Well in Levy.

There you go Spooky. Our chairman CAN do cheap deals.

JenasFrom20LennonFrom2 said...

Well, another (presumably) Gooner with too much time on their hands, it would seem.

The dole must be paying well.

Fellow Yids (and yes, we're proud to call ourselves that. So get bent you dirty scummer), this is a load of bull (much like some of Bentley's performances this season.

TO be fair, he's given enough clues:

I'm also the founder of the The
A ssociation of
R eal
S purs
E nforcers
N eutralising
A narchist
L evy
(that'd be the ARSEHOLES then)

and the

League
of
Lilywhites

(some twat who uses text speak - lol = laugh out loud. Must be a Gooner)

Also:

C onsortium of
U nited
N 17
T ottenham
S upporters

Doesn't need spelling out, that one, does it?

Fuck him. Least we've got a chairman who's willing to spend money (albeit on some questionable signings) and a manager who is reasonably honest about his team's faults.

Fuck you. Fuck Wenger.

See you in the UEFA Cup....