- Two Cup quarter finals and One Cup semi final
- 5th place (our highest ever Premier League finish)
- 5th for second successive season after: 14th, 11th, 10th, 12th, 9th, 10th, 14th and 9th.
- 104 goals scored: 22 to Keane, 23 to Berbatov, 18 to Defoe
- Financially stable
- Much loved manager at the helm
Well, congratufuckinlations. Don't be too surprised if I don't camp outside the Spurs Shop for 12 hours to be the first in line to purchase a "5th is the new 4th" limited edition t-shirt.
Do you sheep know that if we had beaten Watford away and also picked up more points against Reading and Sheffield United we would have claimed 4th spot? That's the fine line that I keep harping on about. One that the blind Levy and Jol seem to miss when its stared them in the eyes, not just once but twice. One that I'm sure, had Santini been given time, would have comfortably navigated to help us reach the Champions League.
Last season we competed for 4th spot, sat in 4th spot for four months, then watched all the hard work go down the pan with half the stomach contents of our players. But looking at last season more closely, you could argue that had we not lost a whole host of points in the last minute of several games (WHU at home, Sunderland away, Fulham away....to name a few) we would have claimed 4th spot well before the last game of the season. With the money spent by the club, I expect us to be challenging. Not sympathetically lagging behind as a mere after thought on the league season, so be it a sexy one just because we scored a ton. We also only managed to claim 6 clean sheets. Why don't we get to see that stat sang from the terraces? Well?
Spurs have to remove the dead wood from the club. I'm talking about Danny Murphy and Mido and players who are not good enough or simply redundant to the cause. Yes, thats you Gardner. I know you read this blog. You're a decent young lad with a sharp dress sense, but you run like an amputated deer with an anal plug up its arse. Mido, well its well documented that he likes his recreational activities. Fine if you are Tony Soprano, not so good if you're a professional footballer. Murphy has to be the worst transfer in recent history, far eclipsing the scandalous removal of Andrew Reid from our club.
Once the clear-out is complete, we then need to purchase a left-back and left-winger. Also a central defender and possibly another midfielder. In addition, Defoe may be sold which means we need to look at another potential striker. I'll cover this area in the next blog entry in far more detail.
As for the season of 2007? It was a case of nearly there. Again. Choking when it mattered, twice against Chelsea in the FA Cup and against Arsenal at home (Milk Cup) and in the Prem. Sometimes I wonder what happens during our half-time team talks. Do we indulge in some of Amsterdam's finest weed? Does the home changing room have a selection of kamers? Whatever happens in there, its quite obvious its not working.
Several players have had their first season at the club. Zokora, Berbatov, Chimbonda, Steed etc. But knowing Levy and his tactics, he will once more shine the light of false hope in our eyes as he brings in major signing after major signing that will actually force us down the road of transition again as the team gels. He'll do it because it works well on the euphoric level, inducing pre-season excitement of the highest order.
For me, it's simple. The player positions I highlighted earlier have to be filled by ready-made world class players who don't need time to adapt. Otherwise, the blood of the cockerel is on your hands Daniel as you once more lead us towards the hellmouth of fox hell.
Right, lets get down to the scoring:
Robbo
6/10
The Elvis Presley of the team. Brilliant start to his (Spurs) career. Reached the top of his game, loved and adored and could do no wrong. Sadly, like Elvis, he piled on the weight and although I don't expect him to die on a toilet anytime soon, I also don't envisage people visiting Robbo's house in the way of a pilgrimage. Has to go back to looking lean and mean, which should help his general battle against gravity.
Chimbonda
8/10
Wears gloves whatever the weather. Apparently wants to join Arsenal. Pleasantly surprised he didn't hand in his transfer after the home win against City. Top draw player with a highly dubious haircut.
Lee
6/10
Don't be fooled by the score. He gets a 6 because he has played well beyond what his abilities suggest he is capable of. However, he is not the answer to the left hand side and remains another Levy albatross. Bought simply to appease the Asian market and make money on shirt sales.
Stalteri
7/10
Hardly a key player and hardly played. But scores 7 points for dicking West Ham United in the epic 4-3 win. The fact that he cost us Champions League football last season and yet is still employed by the club is criminal. We have lost millions in revenue and the prestige of playing in top flight European football because he has the concentration span of a goldfish. Should be deported back to Canada.
King
9/10
Injury hit season. But still remains a colossus when he wears the lilywhite. If it was up to Levy he would have sold him to Chelsea or Arsenal for £20M a season or two ago. Lucky that King remains a rarity in the modern game. A player who remains loyal to the club he loves. Ledders is my bloodbrother. The epitome of a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter in skin and bones. A permanent two fingers up at the money men in suits.
Dawson
9/10
The make-weight in the Andrew Reid deal. Was meant to be an injury prone player. Looks daft but held the defence on his shoulders when King was out injured. Sadly, when Robbo got on his back, he collapsed. Still, a unsung hero. Berbatov will get the glory because he scores goals. Defending isn't as sexy and Daws isn't sexy, but he's a grafter.
Gardner
Out of his depth. Another season and he will have his testimonial against Barnet. Isn't it about time we farmed him out to Upton Park?
Assou-Ekotto
5/10
One trick pony. He does this turn one way then go the other that somehow always tricks the idiot player who is running towards him. Another injury hit player. A lighter skinned Thimothee Atouba but just not as entertaining.
Ifil
3/10
Another player who needs to go to Upton Park or possibly Birmingham. They took Stephen Kelly. I'm sure we can con them again. That Steve Bruce, awful awful manager.
Rocha
6/10
Uncertain of his quality. Has shown some signs of being a decent squad player. However his clearance in the semi-final was comical. Not much more to say.
Zokora
5/10
Diabolical. World Cup player who cant control the ball and enjoys the odd dive like his mate Drogba. I am not convinced of his ability. However, its his first season. So I will give him another year before sending him stink bombs. Dynamic direct runs with no end result are not enough to make up for the £8M spent on him.
Jenas
4/10
Levy's poster boy. He's like some kind of robotic baby doll that you find in Hamleys. Talk to it and it reacts in a positive way wanting to be hugged and making cute little noises as it smiles and plays. Ignore it or scream and shout and it poops itself. Jenas is a player with immense ability.
LOL, had you going there for a moment. I have no idea what he does. Yes, he scores goals from midfield. Yes he has moments of holding onto the ball, but other than that.....what does he do?
Tainio
4/10
Terrible. Cant pass and cant tackle that well. Looking tenacious and lacking skill isn't the same as being tenacious and having skill. Obviously. Funny how I can see that but Jol can't. TT is what Roy Keane would have been if had been born in Finland and was shit at football.
Murphy
2/10
The 'Heavens Gate' of transfers. Scored the two points simply because of his wife, the wonderfully lovely Joanna Taylor. She's lush. Murphy himself is the definitive tv player. Looks good for 20 minutes on the box and people think he plays like that every week. Not even sure he's turned up for many movie premiers either.
Huddlestone
7/10
The Future. A black Incredible Hulk without the weakness of turning into a weedy white man. Sublime passer of the ball. Over played and over used to the point of being drained out due to lack of quality elsewhere in the squad. A member of the Bling Squad. I'm hoping once he gets his England call up (for the first team) he'll gently inform Aaron that hos and bitches are no longer his priority. Questionable dress sense, but then do you wanna tell him?
Malbranque
6/10
A player most fans of other clubs rate and would love to have him in their team, yet we manage to make him look ordinary. Hoping he will settle into the team next season, managerial tactics permitting. Maybe his big cock has given him a balance issue. Should tuck it in under rather than to the left or right. Thats what I do.
Lennon
6/10
Great start to the season, and faded faster than a double shot he consumes when he's out and about with his Bling Squad. And I know because he has dissed me on a number of occasions. Too cool to sign autographs are you Aaron? Ignore my offer of chips Aaron? Don't want to share a cab with me Aaron? Modern day players are so detached from the common man.
Ghaly
2/10
A pawn in Levy's game of chess. Apparently has since stated he wants to play for a big team. Does he not know he IS at a big team? Not relevant anyway as he has no skill to play for us, so its doubtful he can play for anyone else in the Prem. Villa, maybe.
Tarrabt
8/10
Wonderful trickery to win the freekick that allowed Berbs to destroy West Ham with. A ginger Zidane. Quite possibly a £40M player in our ranks. Our own Leo Messi for sure.
Mido
1/10
Monumental disappointment. Just don't understand it. Why on earth did we not allow him to join Man City? The one time Levy can redeem himself and possibly get some form of credit he pulls the plug.
Defoe
7/10
Hasn't improved as a player for several years now. Runs, smacks 'em in. But has little footballing intelligence. Possibly a woman in a mans body because he still has problems getting to grips with the offside rule. You'd think we would help develop his movement wouldn't you? Top class player who will no doubt destroy our defence when we sell him to a rival club and he scores a brace against us.
Keane
9/10
Impish brilliance. And along with King has to be the first player in the starting line-up. Probably the best Irish player since Georgie Best.
Berbatov
14/10
Stick it up your c*nts, everyone who screamed REBROV when we signed this Bulgarian loveheart. Sexy, sublime, classy. Impact on club is almost Klinsmannesque. Question to be asked is......will Levy look to cash in? The man has to have a team built around him. Berbs must understand he is at a big club already. Just one that has shriveled in the freezing cold of a long long winter, longing for a warm loving touch. We simply need a hand-job to erect ourselves to a girth big enough to push aside the lips of 4th and 3rd place and then strike forward to the g-spot of 1st. Berbs is the man to give us that epiclyptic orgasm of glory.
Martin Jol
6/10
Strange substitutions and tactical decisions leave me wondering whether we should have gone for Big Sam. 3-1 up at Stamford Bridge, and we let it slip to 3-3. Several times we have struggled away from home, almost playing apologetic football (akin to 4 years ago). Big and cuddly, for sure. But does he have the killer touch? Can he turn us into a ruthless machine? I want to see you bitch and complain and bully refs and play mental mind games with other managers. Start believing you are Billy Big Balls. Make the players play each game like its against Arsenal. Actually, scrap that. We'd be relegated by Christmas. Play every game like its an FA Cup final. Remember them?
Next year, 4th spit is imperative and nothing less will do. Oh, and a cup. The UEFA Cup will do now that Seville will probably be in the Champions League we should win that comfortably. And the League Cup. I want the League Cup too. Rise to the occassion Martin. Otherwise the next time you take to the mic it will be at the Comedy Club.
Damien Comolli
6/10
Wasn't responsible for 'scouting' and 'selecting' Berbatov. A former gooner and thus far some rather curious signings. Most of them tend to be young lads who we wont see for several years, obviously depending on whether they even make it to the first team. Has this summer to prove his worth to the club.
Daniel Levy
4/10
Its groundhog day with him at the helm. We are fast becoming a '5th place club'. His playboy lifestyle along with his arrogance mean that we will always float around 5th place due to his lack of focus and sometimes almost strategic mistakes. Still no news on whether we are leaving our spiritual home or not. Is it Wembley? Is it Northumberland Park? And as for the teams progression, it stagnates all too often. When we need to be on the ball in the summer transfer market he is off in Florida sunning it up.
Never responds to my letters and emails, yet finds time to ban me from the West Stand. Knows I exist, but refuses to acknowledge me face to face.
In all the years he has been chairman, what has he actually achieved? I dare you Levy. I dare you to rise to the occasion. Prove me wrong. At least give the Park Lane bagels.
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