It's happened again

According to various sources, West Ham have fought off a last ditch attempt by Spurs to sign Scott Parker. Like fuck they did. Parker turned us down twice before (first joining Chelsea, and then going to Newcastle). I find it highly dubious that we would go in for him a 3rd time, considering the players we have already. Though it would be unsurprising, as it follows a trend Levy is guilty of.

Signing a player who huffs and puffs but still fails to dominate the midfield would only drag us down rather than up. NRC is a far more effective player. Parker is, in a word, overrated. Add injury prone and inconsistent to that list, that somehow manages to amount to 40/50k in wages.

So, regardless of the facts concerning if we did make a last ditch attempt or not, I'm quite happy for this one dimensional Charlton reject to continue looking away from White Hart Lane.

Smokescreen my arse

Man Utd sign Portugeuse Spurs left-wing target Nani, and also bag Brazilian Anderson. Nani will replace Giggs in the long run and Anderson will slot into midfield, probably as a long-term replacement for Scholes. As for us? We are left with a key to a room in Fawlty Towers contemplating another near miss in the transfer market while trying to explain to the Spanish porter that we were never interested in signing Nani in the first place or had the foresight to consider Anderson.

Qué?

Yeah, well Qué indeed.

I don't believe our failure to sign Nani to finally resolve the left-sided midfield problem is in fact a smokescreen. That's just an excuse for our failings. We went in for him. We failed to sign him. Manchester United got stronger.

Or did it really happen like that? Wool over eyes? Levy maybe able to over spend on young British youth but when it comes to continential quality we have fallen short. But the ironic thing is, we never stood a chance of signing him anway. Levy was piggy-backing on the hype so that we would be seen to be actively searching for top class players.

Not going for anyone and not signing anyone is obviously not as 'positive' as going for players, but still failing. And, as we know, if there's one team that excels at nearly signing someone, its us.

Giles Barnes is a gooner

If you ever happen to hear someone singing in the shower, don't jump to any conclusions about the lyrics being sang just because you can make out the tune. 'Do Do Do Nigel Mediocre' can quite easily sound like 'Nigel Reo-Coker' from the bottom of the stairs. And anyone choosing to Sky+ Derby v WBA game is only doing it, so they have something to fall asleep to if when they suffer from a bout of insomnia.

I may have got my wires crossed (see previous blogs). Though, I think I prefer to believe that in both instances, I was purposely mis-directed. Seems the player got played. Anyway...

It would appear that Barnes is actually an Arsenal fan, who still had intentions to sign for us back in January, but because he mis-kicked a ball into the path of Pearson on Sunday at Wembley, Derby's MVP fancies himself more so than ever before. Bigger fish to fry and all that jazz. And the lad wasn't even 100% fit. What a legend.

Git

Apparently, he wants to stay at Derby and has been quoted today, bragging about his support of the pikeys and the fact he has a 3 year contract at Derby. Yeah, like he's gonna be with them for the next 3 years. Sol Campbell school of PR.

But then again, do we care? Do we need Barnes? Did we simply want him because we were linked to him? Where would he fit in anyway? Whats the point in having Barnes and Huddlestone and Taarabt? And there's still Jenas. And Ghaly. And one or two others loitering about. I know Levy likes to collect midfielders like I collect upskirt pictures, but there's so much 'young talent' you can get your hands on. I'm talking about purchasing footballers here and not girls in short skirts. Can never get enough of girls in short skirts.

Huddlestone and Lennon will be gutted to hear Giles state his intentions of loyalty. Barnes would have made a perfect additon to the Bling Squad. Apparently Gacoignesque on the pitch (though more than likely in the same way Huddlestone is allegedly Hoddlesque) and thus will avoid Spurs at all costs and aim for Manchester United or his boyhood club the Woolwich Arsenal, where I'm sure he will win the FIFA Player of the Year award repeatedly for years to come. Joining Spurs is surely a side-step move for this prestigious prodigy. So congrats to him for figuring it out early.

So, all the ITK's claiming this one was done and dusted months back, seems you also got pwnd by nothing more than misguided whorage.

As for NRC - another player that wants to maneuver himself a move to Arsenal and avoid Spurs. I'm going to sit back at this point and see what our beloved chairman and Martin Jol (our big teddy bear of a Dutch manager) aim for now that a left back has been purchased and we have 3 or so positions to fill.

There's one or two players on their way out......but will Spurs 'sell out' to bring in players that are not necessarily needed?

After two knock-backs (and let's face it, avoiding paying over the odds for young British talent when theres far better players on the continent isn't something to be red-faced about.....oops, Bale) I'm hoping that Levy doesn't go full circle and actually go back in for these two. They are not needed. So let's see where they end up.

more pish

I'm beginning to believe that maybe these ITK characters know as much as a blind and deaf fly thats high and intoxicated on dog shit. I wasn't out and about today due to the textbook Bank holiday weather. Preferred to remain indoors, working on one or two projects. And then this gem was posted on a forum:

"today/lates tom kalboul the auxere fella announced then

after that as most kno by now the target is to get nani,bent....

massive chance defoe going few in for him

also if we get a replacment they are happy with they would take the 10 mil on offer from chelsea which is true fact... (chimbonda)

will be a very busy few weeks


ghaly,mido priorties to get rid off


stalteri and tanio our on last years of contract and jol especially in teemus case is happy to let them see it out...."

So, just in case you are not understanding the above quote, this is whorage. In the know information that has been overheard/passed on/taken/eavesdropped/told in confidence/seen from a tree. Or perhaps, on this occassion, Ben (the author) simply read The News of the World over the weekend and then asked a random four-year old to dictate his findings.

Perhaps, this Ben character (if that really is his name) is nothing more than an Agent of Levy. Disinformation to go with his tree-theatrics. Placing his treeatrics aside for a moment, one has to question the logic of Chelsea chasing Chimbonda and wanting to spend £10M on him rather than the young and brilliant Daniel Alves. As for Mido and Ghaly, well I wonder what gives any ITK the idea that the probability of them remaining at Spurs is not so great.

Oh, and Robbie Keane signed a new 5 year contract today. But I'm guessing nobody at Spurs has bothered to talk about that openly, hence the reason you didn't hear the news on a forum 2 days ago.

I am In The Know

So, there I am. Downstairs in the living room. Considering pouring myself a glass of port (but not doing so) and looking around for any mislaid documentation or a blackberry (no such luck). Showers running upstairs, and I can hear singing. Now, I’m no Jason Bourne or James Bond. But I have certain skills and abilities that allow me to, let’s say, find a way in when I’m uninvited. And this blog entry (devoid of any actual circumstantial facts) would be inadmissible in a court of law. Just a deluded fantasy of an obsessed fan, your honour.

But even though I spent just 5 minutes before departing into the night, I took with me two rather glorious tips that would suggest that two new signings are in the offing. On Sky+, Derby v WBA is set to be recorded. And as for the singing in the shower? Do do do…..

That’s right. There’s no need to hang around the Lodge up a tree or rely on a tea-lady that might have heard something in the corridor while taking tea and biscuits to a board meeting. No sir. This is nailed on.

Giles Barnes and Nigel Reo-Coker are done deals. Literally, from the horses mouth and his programme planner.

And if you’re curious, he has a subscription to Television X.

Lennon

Twisted knee has ruled Lennon out of the England squad and wont take part against Brazil and Estonia. Blessing in disguise. The young lad is burnt out and needs a full summers rest so that he can be fit again to go out on the pull with Huddlestone and the rest of his Bling Squad.

Bale Signs

Shock horror. We've bought Bale. No other club made a last minute attempted hijack. Could argue no one else wanted to potentially mug themselves off with spunking £10M for a 17 year old. Sources are now suggesting £5M upfront, with £5M in future payments spread over the next few years and dependent on the success of the club in European competitions.

Spurs are also linked to Nani (though my guess is that this is agent induced gossip to force other clubs to bid for the 20 year old 'the next Ronaldo'). And Nigel Reo-Coker along with Bent (which seems to be the tabloids other fav piece of whorage in recent weeks). And the summer has yet to begin.

Back to Bale. Do I politely applaud Levy for this one? TBH I don't find myself as excited with this signing as I was when we purchased Andrew Reid from Nottm Forest. I have however changed my opinion on the 17 year old having read the comments of other fans (WHU, Arsenal, Utd etc) and that they claim we have signed a wonderfully gifted player. Hypocrite I hear you spit out while you read this. Not quite, and maybe its the medication thats making me momentarily delirious, but maybe the signing of this player isn't a bad deal after all.

The Missing Link

I haven't seen Bale play, unless you count the Youtube footage of his freekicks. Gareth's large pointy-out ears give him the uncanny ability of using them as radars to place them into the back of the net. The ball, not his ears. That would be a touch surreal.

I can't believe that players are bought on performances in the Championship.......considering we forked out a few million for Raziak who was storming the second tier of English football yet utterly out of his element in the Prem.

Still re: Bale and his freekicks; not quite the same impact of a jinxing run down the wing by the Reidmiester. But still impressive enough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt. As for Levy - do not make the mistake of taking this as an endorsement of support from me. Players want to join a massive club like Spurs, regardless of the chairman. I was quick to be critical of Bale simply because Levy has a track record of disappointing us and spending £8M on Jenas is enough for anyone to question the club's sense in the transfer market.

A word from a former hero

GRAHAM ROBERTS believes chairman Daniel Levy must not allow Dimitar Berbatov to join Manchester United. The former Spurs hard man commented: “If Spurs ever sell him, the chairman should be shot! You never sell your best players and he’s the best they’ve got.

Finally, a kindred spirit with the same passion for the club I have. Graham, if you're interested, e-mail me. I know a decent outfitter that offers fishing, shooting and hunting. We'd have a blast. But obviously, we would need to retain an element of professionalism. Especially with rifle and hand-gun practice. We wouldn't want the embarrassment of a Hinckley/Reagan incident.

May God have mercy on your soul

Berbatov fee agreed with Man Utd - £27 million plus Saha

Medical on 29 May 2007

The above is on various Internet message boards. If true, the streets of Tottenham will burn, burn with my apocalyptic anger and vengeful fists of furistic fury. I'll come down so hard on the club and Levy it will be like Hiroshima but without the atomic bomb. Just a lot of strong worded graffiti and water-balloons consisting of 2 week old urine and frozen shit pellets fired from a state of the art pocket catapult. Like most Spurs fans, I am now resigned to losing the brilliant Bulgarian. A player marked with the world-class stamp that is deserving of Champions League.

Sit back and watch us take another step backwards, in the only way we know how. Bent over, being taken bareback and asking to take it in the face.

Levy. Damn you.

Will Gareth bale out?

I would have liked to say I have photographic evidence of Gareth Bale arriving at The Lodge for his Spurs medical. I would have liked to say I caught a glimpse of his agent laughing into his mobile and stating how its a done deal. However, I got nowhere to being in a position of comfort.

Now, I know that I have stated already in this blog that I will report on all ITK transfer rumours, but people who know me, know that I do not have much time for all this type of nonsense. If a player is set to join a club, knowing about it 24 hours / one week / two weeks before it happens amounts to nothing. If the deal is going to happen, its going to happen - makes no difference. And I've found in the past all it serves to do is embarrass Levy and the general incompetence in the transfer market (Rivaldo, anyone?). But still, it serves a purpose to illustrate the goings-on at the club.

I'm also suspicious that Man Utd haven't done anything in the way of bidding for Bale this time round. It cant be because they have spunked all their money on Hargreaves. Perhaps its because they have just enough left to buy Berbatov. So they wont bid for Bale so that they wont fall out with Levy, making it easier for them to sign Berbatov with the dollars they have left. If Bale signs, then say goodbye to Berbatov.....says the conspiracy theorist in me.

But lets place the Berbs speculation aside for a moment and go back to my visit at the Lodge today. As stated, I got nowhere near to seeing anything, mainly due to one individual. Someone I thought would be harmless and in fact believed could be a future ally. Instead he has proven to be a nemesis. I'm talking about Ben. The man up the tree.

Kinda ironic that his name is Ben because it was like an episode of Lost. And I was John Locke. Trying to get to the hatch (in this case a tree) and finding myself avoiding various traps designed to stop me (I'm still removing the pins from my arse, though technically speaking that never happened to Locke). The only advantage point is that fucking tree and getting to it is proving harder than Hurley losing weight on an Island that has no supply of junk food. Which should be easy - but its not, which is why this is causing me so much grief.

The pins were one thing, the bee hive - that was pure evil. I'll tell you this much, Ben should be watching his back from this point onwards. I need information, not for the purpose of ego and telling people news that they will find out eventually anyway. I need it so that I can use it against Levy. My chronicle far outweighs his. Anyway, I came home to find the following posted on various Spurs forums - via Ben:

Out for most of day quick update

all will be tied up today ie bale....they got him last night from cardiff and briningigng him down this morning .southampton were peed of the news broke to sky ect...hence a delay....his medical will be this afternoon and hoping to announce this evening...but there will be no problems now unless he fails his medical

kalaboul as drgaon said will be announced monday but thats all done and dusted...


bent is player 3 we will get it done im sure in the next week or so there confident...


also dont rule big crouch out or even pedersen

All this from a fucking tree!!! I want its secrets. He doesn't own it, and if he does I demand to see the deeds. I did manage to catch a glimpse of the player arriving at Holly House which is a private hospital in Buckhurst Hill which the club use. No trees, but several bushes, one of which was my home for a couple of hours. Bale, was walking and looked fine, but I was unable to read enough from his body language and general self-being to know what his was thinking. He wasn't skipping too and from the hospital. But at the same time, he wasn't kicking a can along the ground despondently. My guesstimate would be is that he might sign. I'm not the only one that has come to this conclusion.

Sources close to the family say its a done deal. Agent fees and bits of the contract are left before final signature is penned on paper.

With Kaboul set to sign, its potentially a 'good week' for the club. Scoff. Had you going again. Let's wait and see if Bale does sign on the dotted line. We can then look forward to the open-bus parade.

Bale Medical

Apparently, we are in for Bale. Story appeared on Sky Sports News, which was followed by a quick rejection by Southampton claiming they had not accepted any bid from Spurs. Soon after, sources close to Bale revealed (via the BBC) that a medical will take place today and that Bale will sign this week.

Disregarding what the press say the offer will be structured like so (I read this on an Internet Message board):

£6M up-front
£3M (£1M per year over the next three years)
£2M if we get into the Champions League


Shrewd Daniel. Southampton will never see the £2M. Which means we get the seventeen year old for £9M. So, that’s a left-back who has never played in the Prem before who isn't as good at defending as he is attacking...for £9M. Though rumour has it, he will play left-wing rather than left-back which means we need to buy another left-back and placing all hopes on a 17 year old left-winger who hasn't played top class football before is shocking.

So we have another glam signing to appease the fans who beg for the sexy rather than the efficient (not that Bale is sexy in any way - but he is class on Football Manager 2007 and Man Utd were linked to him). So, it makes us look like we are getting one over the 'top 4' by signing him. Another political move by Levy.

I'm making my way to the Lodge now to see if I can catch a glimpse of Bale arriving for the medical.

Possible signing(s) on the card

Got hold of some inside info (person who knows someone who is connected to the club):


We are about to conclude the signing of one player, possibly two. One's a defender the other is a midfielder but possibly a forward attacking player. Should be left-footed. Club will hold a press conference some time this week, possibly towards the end of next week for the first player with the second announcement to follow soon after. Big money spent on both players. One of them has been a long-term target while the other will be a surprise (but a good one) and he has thus far enjoyd continental breakfasts but is looking forward to having a full English.


You heard it here first people.

Summer Transfer Targets

Younes Kaboul signed, allegedly. Sources suggest this is potentially a disaster move for the club:

Kaboul is not very good at all, definitely not 7.5 million worth......sure these may have been two off days, but from i saw, he is not quick, he has a kind of lazy, heavy way of getting around the pitch, a bit like Carrick.....not brave, he makes 80% efforts to win the ball, not like john terry who smashes into opponents and still cleanly wins the ball.......very easily tricked and put to the floor by quick forwards on at least 5 occasions.....and he seems to switch off and lose his opponent, like Bramble seems to do

he looks no better than Tony Gardner..............i really cannot see why Commoli and Jol rate him enough to buy him unless they see him as a defensive midfielder....like i said, he moves around like carrick, is a neat passer, and maybe Jol wants him to get the ball and pass it on simply, which Carrick did but of course Carrick had much more ability

but i would worry if he is for the defence, even as cover for Ledley............the kid will need lots of time and patience, but i fear with this huge price tag, his confidence will be rocked if he doesnt perform well immediately..........and 7.5 million is a waste of the clubs money, he is 2.5/3miilion max, even in todays crazy fees.....it smacks of the 8 million we spent on Dean Richards, and Kaboul is no better than Richards

Fantastic scouting then. £7.5M well spent.

Gareth Bale is apparently 'back on' because Utd have cooled their interest. So, thats potentially £10M for a teenager that can't defend but scores free-kicks so he must be good then. As for Darren Bent, he scored goals - a lot of goals - playing for a poor team that got relegated so although he isn't world class he is still a good player. But how does a good player fit into a squad that already has Berbatov, Keane and Defoe? Which means, Defoe may finally be on the way out.

As for the left-wing problem, Morten Gamst Pedersen is once more linked. A player who can cross and score from the wing. Thankfully the one dimensional Downing isn't being linked at this present moment in time. But there's months to go before the window closes, so lets not get too excited yet.


So, the current tabloid and message board list consists of:

• Younes Kaboul
• Gareth Bale
• Morten Gamst Pedersen
• Darren Bent

I have not seen any activity at the Lodge or the Lane, though I cannot be at two places at once, I'm keeping an eye on what Ben (FTL) has to say from his tree. It's probably a little early in the post-season for any deals to go through. Too many players booking flights to the sun.

Soton youngster Bale: Spurs bound?

It's imperative that we buy completed article players. Which counts out Bale, but then if you believe Levy we buy young British players with sell-on potential, meaning if you do the math, Bale (if bought for £10M) would have to be sold for £15M-£20M in the future. Does he strike you as a potential £20M player? If he is one for the future, what about the present? We still need to cover ourselves with a top draw player in the left back position. Have to.

Which brings me to my point. Would the above mentioned players make us better than Arsenal or Liverpool, when both clubs are likely to buy Ribery and Tevez respectively. All four respective transfer targets are just bland. And signing them all would cost, how much? £40M? That's fourty-million quid on players who might not even make it into the first team. How is that progression? We make far too many signings of players that are ok rather than superb. For every Berbatov there's a Lee, Tainio, Assou-Ekotto, Stalteri etc. And 'ok' is pushing it a little for some of them.

With Berbs and Zokora being the 'big signings' of last season with regards to the structure of the team, we don't need to worry about these positions. We just need to sort out the weak spots. So, please no more central midfielders. We have Huddlestone and we have Taarabt. They need to play a part. Seems that Jenas has pictures of Jol in a gimp suit, so he will play a part in next seasons campaign. Steed will play more of a role from the start of the season rather than appearing in spurts due to his initial injury.

So, at this point in time, I am uncertain about who we should be looking at. Possibly Baines (who does have Premiership experience) to play in the left-back role. There must be a left-winger of world class status out there that wouldn't mind joining a London club. Or maybe there isnt, which would explain the fact that we end up with the Lees, Tainios, Assou-Ekottos and Stalteris of this world.

One thing I will say, please for fucks sake, stop with these inane links to players that we could never sign (Robben) who, for the record is always injured and we could never sign. And the likes of Harry Kewell. Yes, Kewell. Who some Spurs fans seem to be blind to the fact that he isn't the Leeds Utd youngster of 6 years ago. He's, well basically, shit. One game this season and some of our fans are suggesting he should be a target. This is the type of Spurs fan that Levy's reign is breeding. Accepting third-rate as an option. This summer, Big Brother is likely to give me more pleasure than Comolli's European travels.

Season 2007 Review

Spurs fans, on certain related forums, have been rather critical recently, citing that I am being unreasonable and harsh and that I should take the following into perspective before I slag off the board and manager:

- Two Cup quarter finals and One Cup semi final

- 5th place (our highest ever Premier League finish)

- 5th for second successive season after: 14th, 11th, 10th, 12th, 9th, 10th, 14th and 9th.

- 104 goals scored: 22 to Keane, 23 to Berbatov, 18 to Defoe

- Financially stable

- Much loved manager at the helm

"We're the best of the rest but we want more" says the much loved manager that seems to have the support of everyone at the club.

Well, congratufuckinlations. Don't be too surprised if I don't camp outside the Spurs Shop for 12 hours to be the first in line to purchase a "5th is the new 4th" limited edition t-shirt.

Do you sheep know that if we had beaten Watford away and also picked up more points against Reading and Sheffield United we would have claimed 4th spot? That's the fine line that I keep harping on about. One that the blind Levy and Jol seem to miss when its stared them in the eyes, not just once but twice. One that I'm sure, had Santini been given time, would have comfortably navigated to help us reach the Champions League.

Last season we competed for 4th spot, sat in 4th spot for four months, then watched all the hard work go down the pan with half the stomach contents of our players. But looking at last season more closely, you could argue that had we not lost a whole host of points in the last minute of several games (WHU at home, Sunderland away, Fulham away....to name a few) we would have claimed 4th spot well before the last game of the season. With the money spent by the club, I expect us to be challenging. Not sympathetically lagging behind as a mere after thought on the league season, so be it a sexy one just because we scored a ton. We also only managed to claim 6 clean sheets. Why don't we get to see that stat sang from the terraces? Well?

Spurs have to remove the dead wood from the club. I'm talking about Danny Murphy and Mido and players who are not good enough or simply redundant to the cause. Yes, thats you Gardner. I know you read this blog. You're a decent young lad with a sharp dress sense, but you run like an amputated deer with an anal plug up its arse. Mido, well its well documented that he likes his recreational activities. Fine if you are Tony Soprano, not so good if you're a professional footballer. Murphy has to be the worst transfer in recent history, far eclipsing the scandalous removal of Andrew Reid from our club.

Once the clear-out is complete, we then need to purchase a left-back and left-winger. Also a central defender and possibly another midfielder. In addition, Defoe may be sold which means we need to look at another potential striker. I'll cover this area in the next blog entry in far more detail.

As for the season of 2007? It was a case of nearly there. Again. Choking when it mattered, twice against Chelsea in the FA Cup and against Arsenal at home (Milk Cup) and in the Prem. Sometimes I wonder what happens during our half-time team talks. Do we indulge in some of Amsterdam's finest weed? Does the home changing room have a selection of kamers? Whatever happens in there, its quite obvious its not working.

Several players have had their first season at the club. Zokora, Berbatov, Chimbonda, Steed etc. But knowing Levy and his tactics, he will once more shine the light of false hope in our eyes as he brings in major signing after major signing that will actually force us down the road of transition again as the team gels. He'll do it because it works well on the euphoric level, inducing pre-season excitement of the highest order.

For me, it's simple. The player positions I highlighted earlier have to be filled by ready-made world class players who don't need time to adapt. Otherwise, the blood of the cockerel is on your hands Daniel as you once more lead us towards the hellmouth of fox hell.


Right, lets get down to the scoring:



Robbo
6/10

The Elvis Presley of the team. Brilliant start to his (Spurs) career. Reached the top of his game, loved and adored and could do no wrong. Sadly, like Elvis, he piled on the weight and although I don't expect him to die on a toilet anytime soon, I also don't envisage people visiting Robbo's house in the way of a pilgrimage. Has to go back to looking lean and mean, which should help his general battle against gravity.

Chimbonda
8/10

Wears gloves whatever the weather. Apparently wants to join Arsenal. Pleasantly surprised he didn't hand in his transfer after the home win against City. Top draw player with a highly dubious haircut.

Lee
6/10

Don't be fooled by the score. He gets a 6 because he has played well beyond what his abilities suggest he is capable of. However, he is not the answer to the left hand side and remains another Levy albatross. Bought simply to appease the Asian market and make money on shirt sales.

Stalteri
7/10

Hardly a key player and hardly played. But scores 7 points for dicking West Ham United in the epic 4-3 win. The fact that he cost us Champions League football last season and yet is still employed by the club is criminal. We have lost millions in revenue and the prestige of playing in top flight European football because he has the concentration span of a goldfish. Should be deported back to Canada.

King
9/10

Injury hit season. But still remains a colossus when he wears the lilywhite. If it was up to Levy he would have sold him to Chelsea or Arsenal for £20M a season or two ago. Lucky that King remains a rarity in the modern game. A player who remains loyal to the club he loves. Ledders is my bloodbrother. The epitome of a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter in skin and bones. A permanent two fingers up at the money men in suits.

Dawson
9/10

The make-weight in the Andrew Reid deal. Was meant to be an injury prone player. Looks daft but held the defence on his shoulders when King was out injured. Sadly, when Robbo got on his back, he collapsed. Still, a unsung hero. Berbatov will get the glory because he scores goals. Defending isn't as sexy and Daws isn't sexy, but he's a grafter.

Gardner
0/10

Out of his depth. Another season and he will have his testimonial against Barnet. Isn't it about time we farmed him out to Upton Park?

Assou-Ekotto
5/10

One trick pony. He does this turn one way then go the other that somehow always tricks the idiot player who is running towards him. Another injury hit player. A lighter skinned Thimothee Atouba but just not as entertaining.

Ifil
3/10

Another player who needs to go to Upton Park or possibly Birmingham. They took Stephen Kelly. I'm sure we can con them again. That Steve Bruce, awful awful manager.

Rocha
6/10

Uncertain of his quality. Has shown some signs of being a decent squad player. However his clearance in the semi-final was comical. Not much more to say.

Zokora
5/10

Diabolical. World Cup player who cant control the ball and enjoys the odd dive like his mate Drogba. I am not convinced of his ability. However, its his first season. So I will give him another year before sending him stink bombs. Dynamic direct runs with no end result are not enough to make up for the £8M spent on him.

Jenas
4/10

Levy's poster boy. He's like some kind of robotic baby doll that you find in Hamleys. Talk to it and it reacts in a positive way wanting to be hugged and making cute little noises as it smiles and plays. Ignore it or scream and shout and it poops itself. Jenas is a player with immense ability.
LOL, had you going there for a moment. I have no idea what he does. Yes, he scores goals from midfield. Yes he has moments of holding onto the ball, but other than that.....what does he do?

Tainio
4/10

Terrible. Cant pass and cant tackle that well. Looking tenacious and lacking skill isn't the same as being tenacious and having skill. Obviously. Funny how I can see that but Jol can't. TT is what Roy Keane would have been if had been born in Finland and was shit at football.

Murphy
2/10

The 'Heavens Gate' of transfers. Scored the two points simply because of his wife, the wonderfully lovely Joanna Taylor. She's lush. Murphy himself is the definitive tv player. Looks good for 20 minutes on the box and people think he plays like that every week. Not even sure he's turned up for many movie premiers either.

Huddlestone
7/10

The Future. A black Incredible Hulk without the weakness of turning into a weedy white man. Sublime passer of the ball. Over played and over used to the point of being drained out due to lack of quality elsewhere in the squad. A member of the Bling Squad. I'm hoping once he gets his England call up (for the first team) he'll gently inform Aaron that hos and bitches are no longer his priority. Questionable dress sense, but then do you wanna tell him?

Malbranque
6/10

A player most fans of other clubs rate and would love to have him in their team, yet we manage to make him look ordinary. Hoping he will settle into the team next season, managerial tactics permitting. Maybe his big cock has given him a balance issue. Should tuck it in under rather than to the left or right. Thats what I do.

Lennon
6/10

Great start to the season, and faded faster than a double shot he consumes when he's out and about with his Bling Squad. And I know because he has dissed me on a number of occasions. Too cool to sign autographs are you Aaron? Ignore my offer of chips Aaron? Don't want to share a cab with me Aaron? Modern day players are so detached from the common man.

Ghaly
2/10

A pawn in Levy's game of chess. Apparently has since stated he wants to play for a big team. Does he not know he IS at a big team? Not relevant anyway as he has no skill to play for us, so its doubtful he can play for anyone else in the Prem. Villa, maybe.

Tarrabt
8/10

Wonderful trickery to win the freekick that allowed Berbs to destroy West Ham with. A ginger Zidane. Quite possibly a £40M player in our ranks. Our own Leo Messi for sure.

Mido
1/10

Monumental disappointment. Just don't understand it. Why on earth did we not allow him to join Man City? The one time Levy can redeem himself and possibly get some form of credit he pulls the plug.

Defoe
7/10

Hasn't improved as a player for several years now. Runs, smacks 'em in. But has little footballing intelligence. Possibly a woman in a mans body because he still has problems getting to grips with the offside rule. You'd think we would help develop his movement wouldn't you? Top class player who will no doubt destroy our defence when we sell him to a rival club and he scores a brace against us.

Keane
9/10

Impish brilliance. And along with King has to be the first player in the starting line-up. Probably the best Irish player since Georgie Best.

Berbatov
14/10

Stick it up your c*nts, everyone who screamed REBROV when we signed this Bulgarian loveheart. Sexy, sublime, classy. Impact on club is almost Klinsmannesque. Question to be asked is......will Levy look to cash in? The man has to have a team built around him. Berbs must understand he is at a big club already. Just one that has shriveled in the freezing cold of a long long winter, longing for a warm loving touch. We simply need a hand-job to erect ourselves to a girth big enough to push aside the lips of 4th and 3rd place and then strike forward to the g-spot of 1st. Berbs is the man to give us that epiclyptic orgasm of glory.



Martin Jol
6/10

Strange substitutions and tactical decisions leave me wondering whether we should have gone for Big Sam. 3-1 up at Stamford Bridge, and we let it slip to 3-3. Several times we have struggled away from home, almost playing apologetic football (akin to 4 years ago). Big and cuddly, for sure. But does he have the killer touch? Can he turn us into a ruthless machine? I want to see you bitch and complain and bully refs and play mental mind games with other managers. Start believing you are Billy Big Balls. Make the players play each game like its against Arsenal. Actually, scrap that. We'd be relegated by Christmas. Play every game like its an FA Cup final. Remember them?

Next year, 4th spit is imperative and nothing less will do. Oh, and a cup. The UEFA Cup will do now that Seville will probably be in the Champions League we should win that comfortably. And the League Cup. I want the League Cup too. Rise to the occassion Martin. Otherwise the next time you take to the mic it will be at the Comedy Club.


Damien Comolli
6/10

Wasn't responsible for 'scouting' and 'selecting' Berbatov. A former gooner and thus far some rather curious signings. Most of them tend to be young lads who we wont see for several years, obviously depending on whether they even make it to the first team. Has this summer to prove his worth to the club.

Daniel Levy
4/10

Its groundhog day with him at the helm. We are fast becoming a '5th place club'. His playboy lifestyle along with his arrogance mean that we will always float around 5th place due to his lack of focus and sometimes almost strategic mistakes. Still no news on whether we are leaving our spiritual home or not. Is it Wembley? Is it Northumberland Park? And as for the teams progression, it stagnates all too often. When we need to be on the ball in the summer transfer market he is off in Florida sunning it up.

Never responds to my letters and emails, yet finds time to ban me from the West Stand. Knows I exist, but refuses to acknowledge me face to face.

In all the years he has been chairman, what has he actually achieved? I dare you Levy. I dare you to rise to the occasion. Prove me wrong. At least give the Park Lane bagels.

Looking ahead

And so it ends. Another season disappears into the history books, but unlike my last copy of Razzle, the pages won't be stuck together out of unbridled joy. I will discuss, as promised, in more detail in my season review (thats Tottenham's performance in the 2007, and not my collection of porn mags).

The summer is now upon us which means Big Brother, transfer rumourwhoring and of course (hopefully) good weather that will allow me to camp out in the vicinity of Levy's mansion and during my recreational time make use of my new Nokia N95, with countless upskirt snaps in central London. The off season can sometimes be the busiest for a freedom fighter like myself.

Operation Hotspur will begin as of next week. I'll be closely monitoring all activities at the Lodge and the travels of Levy and Comolli as their search to sign the new Ghaly.

I'll also spend some time debunking the 'Inside Information' rumours and 'ITK' (In the know) stories that will no doubt crop up on forums all over the net in the coming weeks ahead.

Stay tuned.

There's only one Daniel Levy

Like fuck there is.

So ends the 2007 season. Martin Jol 'just' about avoids the sack with us nicking 5th spot. And he proceeds to thank his chairman by taking the mic at the end of the game and saluting the board for their continued unquestionable investment into the club. Technically, I suppose Martin is correct in doing so. £3 for a mobile phone ring-tone of the Park Lane or the Shelf Side singing is certainly a shrewd way of taking money off the fans to 'invest', along with the additional 'investments' they are pulling in via the increased season ticket prices (if you want to have the crowd singing as your ring-tone, record it on your mobile yourself for fucks sake).

Jol also arse-kissed the home fans by telling us we are the best in the country. We fucking know that already Martin. Jesus. We are so loud that when we're away the home team play white noise out of their tannoy system to drown out the Glory Glory Hallelujah's.

Anyway, I'll get back to Jol's thank you speech later. Lets take this from the top.

Home game, last of the season, against Manchester City. Going into this we could have quite easily dropped out of a UEFA Cup spot and into the Inter-Toto, depending also on other results going against us. As usual, Spurs were playing chicken with humiliation. Now you may think me harsh. A win at home today and we would claim 5th spot for the second successive season (as long as Everton failed to win at Chelsea). Would be the first time since 1990 that we would sit in a top 6 placing for a second consecutive year.

All looks good on paper doesn't it? But then, whoever heard of a trophy cabinet with a piece of A4 sitting in it?

I decided to attend the final game of the season with my traditional utility belt consisting of:

• Season Ticket 2007
• A box of matches
• Plastic bag to retain the ashes in (for potential ash-throwing later on)
• Leaflets proclaiming Levy as the anti-christ
  

I also attended the game in battle clothing. WTF, I hear you ask?

Well firstly, I decided against dressing up as the Anti-Chirpy this season, due to the incident in last years final home game when the real Chirpy squared up to me in Block 34 and we ended up having cock-on-cock action. It's difficult to throw punches dressed as a cartoon cockerel. Even more difficult is to know for sure whether your uppercuts are truly doing any damage due to the cushioned head-mask giving added protection. Suffice to say, I set fire to his face. Ah yes, fond memories of last year. They had to re-design him after that incident. Anyways, that was then. This is the present and today I went dressed as Sir Henry Percy aka Harry Hotspur, 1st Earl of Northumberland. Very apt if you ask me.

Reconstruction: How I looked dressed like Harry Hotspur

From head to toe, I looked the part. Even grew a beard for the occassion. However, due to sporting actual metallic plate armour (none of this fancy dress plastic rubbish - I have a friend who works in theatre) I was advised by the stewards that I would not be permitted to enter the stadium. I quite obviously stood my ground, finding strength from the fact that Henry was a true warrior. In fact, I sometimes wonder if maybe I am the reincarnation of him, which may explain my stupendous resolve and passion in times of hardship.

After a heated debate and the arrival of two police officers outside the South Stand lower entrance, I was politely informed not to continue my protest if I wished to attend the game. Or I'd be spending more than 90 minutes in the back of a police van. Fascism at its very worse. I had to remove the armour. This was not something I had planned for. I had no alternative clothing with me. And there was no chance of parting with my hard earned cash in the extortionate Spurs Shop.

I now knew how Henry did when he took his visor off during the Battle of Shrewsbury and was hit in the mouth with an arrow, instantly killing him. I had to suffer a similar indignity, as I too was lost for words.

Under the armour, I was actually not wearing much. I was wearing nothing in fact. Theres something about the cold metal and the way it felt against my skin that made me decide to go commando. That and the fact that its bloody hot having to wear it and travel on the London Underground without being able to sit down. But the whole experience really helped me to connect with how Henry Percy might have felt when he was about to go into battle. I'm sure they didn't have boxer shorts back in those days anyways, so I felt quite authentic.

So, having removed the armour, I used my scarf as a make-shift nappy to hide my pride and joy. I'm going to take a guess and say the wolf whistles I got were ironic. And for the record, I do not and have never liked Barrymore and at no point in my life handed out sweets.

Anyway, half naked or not, I wasn't about to allow this little setback ruin my day. I took my place in my seat and watched the game with my fellow Spurs fans.

We played woefully bad again much like the Blackburn game on Thursday. Yes, we won. And yes we claimed 5th spot. But this is simply not good enough. I can only say that we must have the same kind of luck West Ham have, but simply opposite sides of the table. In other words, we are just lucky. Evidence supporting this:

• We can not defend crosses or set pieces
• We give away painfully simplistic goals, usually created out of individual errors
• We cannot take set pieces (corners or free kicks)
• We cannot cross the ball (still no true left winger three years later)
• We cannot keep clean sheets
• We still don't have the right balance in midfield
• We sit back instead of dominating possession

These defects are still present in the team that Martin Jol built and financed by Daniel Levy. Its like having a house with several holes in the roof that water drips down from. Instead of fixing the holes, you leave several buckets to capture the falling water.

Reconstruction: How I looked without the armour

We are 5th - when we should be 3rd. No excuses. Martin Jol's tactics and Levy and Comolli strategics have failed again. 20 more games this season than last, but its not like we played anyone decent in our cup matches (domestically and in Europe) until we played the teams that knocked us out.

Still no wins against the big 4 either in the Prem (or the Cups) and in any of the crunch games apart from the 2-1 win at WHL against Chelsea. But as that was the only victory, I'll put that down as a fluke.

If you take 3 games from the season that we could have won if it wasn't for individual or tactical mishaps, we could easily be neck and neck with 4th and 3rd. I'm getting side-tracked. More on the season in my season review which I'll write up in the next week or so.

Back to today. The game matched the weather (it was depressing). I tried several times to start up anti-Levy chants, only to be drowned out by 'England's Number One'. Yes, the immovable object still gets a chorus or ten every game, which I'm sure he celebrates by having a half-time pie.

As my nipples hardened in the cold weather and with the final whistle being blown, I then had to endure more cringe-worthy embarrassment. And for anyone in Block 34, I am not referring to the incident when my scarf came loose due to experiencing an 'unnecessary' and poked the young lady who sits in front of me in the back of her head (thankfully, she thought it was my match-day programme).

I am of course referring to the end of the game 'celebrations' which included various 'Player of the Year' awards and Martin Jol being handed a microphone. Now, initially, I half expected him to do an impersonation of Dean Martin if Dean Martin was alive, sober, Dutch and had no jokes. But it turned out to be a mish-mash of Winston Churchill rallying the troops and a Gordon Brown speech.

Jol is no MC

Several bursts of sound bites followed by rapturous supporter applause and chanting. It turned into a farce the moment he gave credit to the board of directors. I found myself utterly ashamed as a chorus of 'There's only one Daniel Levy' erupted from a section of the Park Lane. These fools must have been pissed on cheap cider - but the more likely explanation is that they are members of the Agents of Levy, a clandestine group of paid actors Levy has infiltrating the stands to make sure the right type of 'noises' are heard during the game.

Its like the CIA in South American all over again.

All the fanfare hides another disappointing season without silverware. Eight points adrift off 3rd place and still persisting in starting Anthony 'One more year till his testimonial' Gardner.

Gardner is a paradox. A man that should never have been a professional footballer, yet finds himself playing in the Premiership and earning thousands. Constantly proves he should drop down a division with his Harold Lloyd performances, yet consistently wears our colours as a utility player. Maybe Jol is waiting for Sam Beckett to quantum leap into Anthony and turn him into a hero. Newsflash Jol; Sam Beckett is played by an actor (Scott Bakula) and Quantum Leap is a fictional sci-fi television series. Its never going to happen. Anthony Gardner will never have Al and Ziggy to help him out with his back passes and composure.

After Jol's stand-up routine (he could have shat in a hat and still got worshipped by the home faithful) I proceeded with my traditional burning of my season ticket. Sadly, due to the enforced policing and general fascist state ethos the club aspires too I had to burn the season ticket in the mens toilets. This did not have the desired effect I wished for, as people kept asking me if I could share my spliff with them.

It would appear that Levy had the last laugh today. The sun, breaking out from behind the grey miserable clouds blinded everyone from the factual truth that we are once more 'nearly' there. I find myself dead, exhumed and cut up into four quarters - each part buried in each corner of the White Hart Lane pitch. All thats missing is my head stuck on a pole at the gates of the West Stand.

It's going to be long long summer. But don't think that the battle is over. I will haunt Levy like the ghost of Henry Percy. I mean literally. I plan to break into his house tonight and walk around with a white bed sheet over my head.

More propaganda

Daniel Levy on the Berbatov transfer hype (copy and pasted from the BBC, via the Spurs v City match day programme):

"We're building for the future - we're not a selling club.

"If, as we do, you have players on long contracts and the finances of the club are strong, you have no need to sell."

Levy added: "I'm happy for anyone to judge this club by who we sell and who we don't.

"Our ability to attract and retain top class players is key to our ambition to compete at the highest level - regularly in Europe and with our sights set on Champions League qualification."

We sold Carrick. We retained Gardner. I rest my case.

حسام غالي: The Fall Guy

Hossam Ghaly. Do not kneejerk yourselves into a frenzy. This man did not disgrace himself by taking the shirt off and throwing it away having been subbed after coming on as a sub. He did not spit in the face of the Cockerel. Yes, it appeared to be petulant. Yes, it looked selfish and disrespectful. But you may also think that some degree of passion was displayed, making up for the lack of composure shown on the pitch. Self inflicted frustration and the sound of 36,000 frustrated moans can make you do silly things. But then sometimes you do silly things because you are instructed to do so. And because on the surface it looks like the reaction that people expect you to deliver when in fact you are simply following a script that has been handed down to you.

It's difficult to prove this, but I'm certain that the whole Ghaly incident was a very well organised sting, a dramatic sketch fooling the watching public and WHL faithful.

Iconic: Seen by millions

Ghaly's performance was bad. Very bad. In fact, so bad that it seemed like he was doing it on purpose. Compare his performance to others that had started the match from the opening whistle.

How was several mis-placed passes and dinks of the ball finding no one any worse than Tainio's wonderfully pathetic performance? TT is a player who sums up the Levy Era of transfers (along with the Ghaly transfer). Can't pass, runs around a lot and thus gets labelled 'tenacious' and receives thunderous applause for the odd successful tackle, but nobody seems to be half as frustrated as me with the fact that he is incapable of playing 5 games on the trot without getting injured. The bloke, apart from having a sharp haircut, is fucking shit. He is also a lame passer of the ball. Yet he escaped any jeers and boo's from the sheep of the Lane who flicker from one emotion to the next like Pete Doherty stumbling between rehab and a needle.

Yet Ghaly came on and played even worse than Tainio. How is that physically possible to achieve unless you actually attempt to play that badly on purpose?

Martin Jol; clueless to the conspiracy at hand

Ghaly has the touch of a rapist, but he is not the only guilty one. The £8M Zokora who even having played a full season, has taken up the best part of that finding his way around the Prem, but still struggles with his first touch. Surely, a 'Carrick Replacement' should have the basic skill of control under management? But his lack of first touch is apparently forgivable it would seem, week to week.

Anyone watching would have seen that in the space of 30 minutes, the boo-boys decimated Hossam's confidence from zero to minus-zero. His shirt-throwing was a 'fuck you' to the lack of support he got. But it was all too obvious and staged. How eager was he to pull his shirt off as he walked off the pitch?

Ghaly wants out of Spurs. He has (going back weeks) already asked for a transfer. He believes he is being held back at Spurs. Not allowed to keep his place in the team and constantly played out of position. The player has no future at the club. And Levy knows this and took his opportunity to turn it into his favour.

I can't prove this (yet) but I'm certain that Ghaly was instructed to play badly to orchestrate a move away from WHL so that Levy can reclaim some of the money (Jol doesn't want Ghaly out...or at least didn't till Thursday evening). So Jol was unaware of what was set to play out against Blackburn.

I'm not completely certain of Steed Malbanque's part in all this. Was he genuinely injured? Did he feign injury to allow Ghaly to enter stage and give the performance of a life-time?

The throwing of the shirt (Levy's idea) was a symbolic disposal of this seasons design - making way for next seasons 125th Anniversary range (which, coincidently took place on Friday). Another textbook subliminal message from the mastermind chairman.

And as for Ghaly, his exit would guarantee the exposure required to elevate his struggling profile to one that would allow potential bidders to fax across their offers. Ghaly's previous independent attempts were to lose all his front teeth and score at Stamford Bridge, but these incidents did not have the desired effect he wished. Ghaly required help. Levy was there to offer his helping hand.

Ghaly got what he wanted this time. And Mr Money-in-the-bank Levy will claim back the cash spent on Hossam when Jol is now forced to sell him.

Fond memory

According to Jol and the club Ghaly has been fined and has apologised, but according to an interview on Egyptian television on Friday he had not even spoken or seen Jol since the incident. Seems that the cover-up is already under way. And Jol is nothing more than a wave in the sea. A sea of deception and lies.

As much as Ghaly is the fall guy here we do have something in common. We are both oppressed by a plight of ignorance. I am surrounded by ignorant people who don't see through Levy and his agenda. Ghaly is Lee Harvey Oswald. A patsy. Both of us are unable to express ourselves and our beliefs because the powers that be deem us insignificant and manipulative. But I'm just a little bit more clued up than my friend Hossam.

We are brothers, still. Except I don't speak Arabic and he probably doesn't have a criminal record for streaking at the West Stand entrance with a Levy effigy attached to his groin.

2008 Shirts

Here's some more leaked nonsense from the club:




The shirt Robbie is wearing up close:



Mansion logo appears bigger. Now has additional (what looks like) Chinese writing on two of the four kits. There is also a 1980's throw-back gloss finish on the shirts along with the Cricket styled white and blue Blackburnesque shirt Robbie is sporting.

Now, I know, we use to play in these colours and we're 125 years old and we started off as Hotspur Cricket club, but what on Gods green earth are Spurs and Puma thinking of?

Are fans even asked their opinion on what we would like? Do they even care? Are we ever consulted? Of course not. Because the fans do not have a choice. And fans, easily manipulated, are forced to buy anything the club manufactures because there is no other choice for them. Otherwise you'll left parading around in your 1997 home kit or a moody purchase from Hong Kong.

And we buy anything (well not me) and its proven by the brown (its not Chocolate Levy, stop trying to fool the public) limited edition away shirt.

Surely that shirt (the brown shirt) is nothing more than a reference to what happened at the back end of last season when we failed miserably to beat West Ham. And for the record, food poisoning or no food poisoning why do people not question the fact that Levy booked the team into that Hotel? Then tried to cover up by deflecting the spotlight onto the chef and hotel staff. He paid for Totttenham to stay there, even though we were playing in London and didn't use the normal hotel we usually do for London games. It's undeniable. Unquestionable. He admitted that the hotel was not to blame, therefore, surely the person to blame is the person who has overall responsibility for the players and the clubs stature. And thats the chairman. With so much puking and diarrhea its our very own Watergate.

125th Anniversary Rejected Design
(Potential 130th shirt)

Anyway, the point is, we had the runs which are usually brown in colour (sometimes yellow - ironically another one of our away kits) and thus wore these shit-stained uniforms in one or two games last year. Humiliating.

That's Levy laughing at you. That's Levy saying to himself:

"I know, let me wipe my arse with this white toilet paper and make it all brown and then sell it for £40. I'm a fucking genius and I'm gonna make a ton of money and even if we under-perform for the twentieth year on the trot I'm still gonna be stinking rich."

Thankfully, there is a rebellion. These are men who are distinctive due to wearing Barcelona home shirts. These people refuse to be raped and pillaged by Levy and Puma, and I salute them.

We as fans are losing the initiative and our identity. Arsenal, forever red, will have a white shirt next season. Not only did they cheat their way into North London, Levy has now allowed them to steal our colours. Its further evidence of our club being engulfed by Daniel Levy's negligence.

This forces my hand.

Operation Hotspur is operational.

Berbatov: The Saviour of Spurs?

If there is one diamond amongst all the coal, it surely has to be Dimitar Berbatov. Graceful, intelligent, wonderful vision and first touch and a supreme finisher. Oozes so much class that he greases his hair with it.

People had the cheek to mutter the name of Sergi Rebrov when we signed the beautiful Bulgarian.


"He's gonna flop!"
"£10M? You're 'aving a larf, chief....you could buy fifty Bobby Zamora's for that"
"Domonic Beersbarak? Probably struggle in the Prem", David Pleat remarked.

Berbs, at the Lodge earlier today

Yet it took him half a season to find his feet and turn into the talisman that this club has been on its knees begging for, begging like a crack whore who is willing to sell her mouth for $5.

A truly world class player. The first, arguably since the legendary Jurgen Klinsmann. And yet I find myself sick, sick to the very depths of my gut. Deja vu does that to me. The previous occassion I felt like this was last summer when we had the wool pulled over our eyes and lost Michael Carrick to Manchester United. Its a patented trick. One the chairman revels in. One he aims to achieve as often as possible to make sure those profit margins look good for Mr Lewis.


Club buys player.
Club allows player to show the world what he can do.
Club claims the player isn't going anywhere.
Club (in reality) doesn't do a thing to keep the player.
Player decides to move on.
Club sells player for 2 or 3 times the amount.
Club fails to replace the player.
Club stagnates.
Chairman builds a second indoor swimming pool.


Fact of the matter is, that with two games left in the season, Berbatov is already being linked with a move away from Spurs to Manchester United to play for a top 4 club (the Champions) in the Champions League. Not even a full season at our club and we're already on the verge of losing him. Look what happened when we sold Carrick. We bought Zokora. A player who has a woeful first touch and is only capable of running in a straight line with the ball (at speed) with no end result. That's like having Vinny Samways back at the club, but running towards the goal instead of permanently sideways. It's comedy that would only make it on prime time ITV.

Levy attending the last AGM

Levy hasn't built a team for the future. He has constructed a stepping stone, a feeder club for the bigger teams. We bring them in and let them go. And his bank account gets more beefy with each season.

And why shouldn't the 'star' players move on when the chairman does nothing to appease their talent? Underpaid and unappreciated by club, its left to the fans to adore and worship - in the end - a false God. For we know that when we watch Spurs in the present, we are watching Manchester United's future.

The £30M that Ferguson will pay for Berbatov will be the beginning of the end for the football club. I swear, as God as my witness, I will decimate Levy's power at the club. I've already pre-ordered several effigy's from a contact who got me a great deal from some fanatical (football fans I guess) who live out in Palestine. These will be burned in full view of the worlds media and watching Spurs fans, and will incite a chorus of 'SACK THE BOARD' at every home game, which will surely unnerve our playboy director.

Levy Effigy - Coming Soon to the Lane

In an ideal world, without Levy at the helm, we would avoid signing the likes of Berbatov in the first place, thus avoiding the abject deflation of losing a player we pin all our hopes on due to being starved of true class to once every ten years.

I've only cried once this year when Captain America was assassinated in Civil War: Epilogue (Captain America #25). I will shed a tear once more in a month or two when Dimitar holds up the red home shirt of Utd at Old Trafford with a grinning Alex by his side. But that tear will be followed by a flood of discontent. The effigy's are just for starters. I have t-shirts and glow-sticks (when positioned correctly by the right amount of people, it will spell out 'GO TO HELL LEVY'). The South Stand in an evening kick-off will never look so majestic.

I'm ready for war Levy. Are you?

A letter addressed to me

My 'One Hotspur' official membership pack includes a rather dubious letter from the chairman. Now, I'm not naive and quite clearly understand that every season ticket holder has received a replica copy. Printed signature rather than personally signed, of course. More evidence displaying that Daniel Levy doesn't truly care about the fans. Anyone can mass produce letters and have their signature printed on it. Proof of how detached he is from the common man at the Lane. I've also heard that West Stand season ticket holders get a hamper consisting of bagels, pickled herring and Gefilte fish with their renewal forms. Us and them. It will never change while he sits on the throne.


Here's the content of the letter:

Dear Mr XXXXXX

It has certainly been a busy conclusion to another fascinating season and, as I write here is still so much to play for.

You could all see our development last season as we battled for a Champions League place right up until the last kick, while this time around our lengthy runs in the cups, and recent upsurge in the League, has resulted in some marvellous entertainment at White Hart Lane.

The special atmosphere our supporters create at the Lane envied by many and often commented on by our players. And your immense support on our travels in our first season back in Europe has been unswerving.

Thank you for your support and I look forward to welcoming you back to White Hart Lane again next season.

Daniel Levy
Chairman
Totttenham Hotspur Football Club

Have you ever read such drivel? Time for a de-bunk.


It has certainly been a busy conclusion to another fascinating season and, as I write here is still so much to play for.

'....as I write here is still so much to play for' - This is not the Queens English. Is this Levy's attempt at 'street talk' in order to appeal to the younger generation of Spurs fans? Pathetic. As for its message, by 'busy' Mr Levy surely means 'desperate' in that we are not in a comfort zone at this late stage of the season due to needing maximum points from the final 3 games. That and the fact that he is almost Jolish in his deliver by subconsciously hinting that if we fail its because we are set to suffer from fixture congestion.


You could all see our development last season as we battled for a Champions League place right up until the last kick, while this time around our lengthy runs in the cups, and recent upsurge in the League, has resulted in some marvellous entertainment at White Hart Lane.

Having to refer back to last season towards the end of this season, is confirmation that we don't have that much to sing and dance about, made even more ironic that last season was an abject failure. As for 'lengthy runs', this only serves to bring back memories of the build up to the West Ham game last year that saw us lose 2-1 and drop from 4th to 5th.

Upsurge in the League simply means we've started to win again after a woeful Christmas period. Surely winning is what should be achieved at all times, so upsurge refers to the fact that we were poor for a period of time long enough to affect the teams position - resulting with uncertainty over whether we will have UEFA Cup football next season.

As for 'marvellous entertainment', if getting dicked 4-0 at home constitutes entertainment then we are doomed. Twice we've failed to beat Arsenal and Chelsea knocked us out of the FA Cup. Seems that Levy is happy with this standard of 'entertainment'.


The special atmosphere our supporters create at the Lane envied by many and often commented on by our players. And your immense support on our travels in our first season back in Europe has been unswerving.

Yes, wonderfully special as we boo every touch Jenas (your poster boy) makes as he stumbles and fumbles all over the pitch. Or when we scream out in confusion when Jol makes questionable substitutions and tactical changes. And there's nothing out of the ordinary with our support away from home in Europe. We haven't been there for so long, its not exactly unexpected for a mass of Spurs fans to make the journey to second-tier continental clubs, desperate for a day out.


Thank you for your support and I look forward to welcoming you back to White Hart Lane again next season.

Oh don't you fret, I'll be there mate with bells on. I'm so fucking loyal to the cause that I'm willing to pay £609 for a season ticket just to burn it at the end of the season, then shower your convertible Merc with the ashes while you sit in the front ready to drive down the high road, showing my discontent at your continued mis-management of the club. And this time, I'll make sure to check the number plate. Not my fault that so many of you West Stand bourgeoisie drive flash sports cars.




Thats all for now.

Preparing for the worst

Commentary on this weeks tabloid hype

Vagit Alekperov - 48th richest person in the world with an estimated cool £6.3 billion net worth. Allegedly interested in buying our beloved club. The story was reported in one of the tabloids (the Daily Mail) and included several instances of trademark journalistic half-truths and mis-information. Stating that Levy was 'a lifelong Tottenham supporter' almost made me swallow my tongue. Another classic propaganda piece stated how Charlie Lewis (the son of the man that doesn't appear to exist - Joe Lewis) will apparently assist Levy with bringing success to Spurs. How so exactly? If the Lewis family gave a shit, they would do what's needed to elevate us to the next level instead of allowing the incompetent Levy to continue his stagnated approach to the challenge of achieving top 4 status. We sit outside the top 10 (in 14th) when it comes to our financial value. 14th. That's mid-table mediocrity. Something Levy is quite content with. And something that Joe Lewis is quite obviously dis-interested with. It's sinister to say the least.

Better looking than Levy, IMO

Also this week, the bi-monthly rumours of moving to Wembley re-surface (again in the Daily Mail, via the way of an Internet forum) while they re-develop WHL. Seems modern day journalism consists of lazy reporters waiting for someone to post inside information on the net before they copy it and run it as an exclusive. What next? Messi to sign for Spurs for £70M? The age of reporting factual information is over. Make something up and print it is the future. Something that bides well with the wolf in sheep's clothing, Levy. Anyways, back to the stadium.

Hopefully, if they have any sense, it will look like this when completed:



Enclosed (rather than open-air), so that the loudest fans in the world can shatter the ear-drums of the opposition, while they bleed goals in the new fortress. Oh, can I dream.

I'm surprised Levy hasn't suggested ground sharing with the other lot down the road. Though having us sit in Wembleys red seats for a season or two probably amounts to the same thing. Compounded with the fact that the national stadium is in South London adds further insult to injury. Spending money on re-building the Lane will probably be funded by the sale of Berbatov and Lennon to Manchester United. Which means a new 55,000 capacity for a mid-table side is an unnecessary step backwards, as we would be financially crippled without first partaking in the lucrative Champions League. Something we wont get into without Berbatov and Lennon. Catch-22. Levy's iron-cast excuse for on the field failure that he dare not whisper to others.


Field Mission Fails

I was unable to complete my second field mission of the week on account of the guard dog that the Levy family now have patrolling the garden during the late evening. Vicious little thing. I hate Papillons. Did not have my repellent belt and plastic bag containing pieces of steak, so decided not to venture into the grounds unprepared for combat. Had the steak with mushrooms and mash when I got home.

Spent the night looking ahead to our remaining games:

(A) Charlton
(H) Blackburn
(H) Man City

Already, defeatist Jol is preparing his excuses has he grumbles about fixture congestion. All because we have to play 3 games in the space of 6 days. Well so fucking what. I have to go to work five days on the trot, working 8 hours a day. And at no point do I find time during my working day to lay down and have my legs massaged and rubbed. That only happens on the weekend and costs £40 (£60 with extras).

5th spot is in our hands if we claim 9 points. How can we fail when this months official Spurs magazine Hotspur claims that Jermaine Jenas is 'the heart and soul of the Spurs midfield'. This is akin to Time magazine sticking Paris Hilton on the cover and proclaiming: "Paris: Why I'm running for Presidency".

Jenas is the embodiment of everything that's wrong with this club. He is Levy's poster boy. I've decided that after the last weekend of the season I will be addressing Mr Levy via blog and email with my review of the 2007 season with a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter. Knowing full well his minions at White Hart Lane have probably IP blocked this website via their firewall to 'protect' their master from my stinging words, I will be hand-delivering the letter to Mr Levy himself. I do not care for the consequences. Even if the last attempt to do this ended with three jobsworth Waitrose security men pulling me to the ground in the wine section while Levy stacked his trolley with Burgundy.

I will continue to rage against the machine, God willing.

Lodge Visit

It would appear that there is some form of elitism taking place at the Spurs training ground. I understand that viewing training as an ordinary Joe Bloggs of the public (like say, a fan) is out of bounds unless you are an invited member of the press or possibly one of Levy’s polo team mates or a sponsor of other recreational activates Levy partakes in. I wasn’t there to watch training, but after yesterdays fiasco I was hoping to possibly catch a glimpse and witness a marked improvement involving sit-ups, defending set-pieces and British Bulldog.

I was also hoping to talk to one or two players. Unfortunately I only met Anthony Gardner. I rejected his offer of a signature, informing him I had no literature for him to scribble his name on. I then had to explain that my Ted Baker shirt would not be best suited for a permanent marker. He had three permanent markers, and attempted to sign one to give to me. It took me a full twenty minutes to get rid of him and had to fake a phone call from my mother before he finally left me in peace.

Actually, I also spoke to Robbie Keane. Though technically speaking, I didn’t actually say anything to him. He did most of the talking. And by most of the talking I mean shouting abusive language and waving his middle finger at me. I don’t speak Irish anyway, so not sure what pleasantries he was attempting to communicate to me. In my defence, I believe I gave him ample opportunity to make use of his ABS braking system. I mean, what’s the point of having a flash car if you’re not going to put it to the test every now and again?

Was not a fruitful day to be quite honest. Decided fairly early on that I may need to………lets just say, visit during out of office hours and set up camp for the next day. Cough.

There were one or two others there hoping to catch a glimpse of something vaguely interesting. I noted one person, hanging upside down from a sturdy branch as he gazed towards the Lodge, eager-eyed and alert. Didn’t even notice when a bird dropped its business on his shirt. Very focused on the job at hand. Not very polite though. He told me to go fuck myself when I inquired whether he had seen Torres arrive for a potential pre-contract signing. Seems his 'In The Know' info is more reliable than mine.

I’ve made a note in my calendar to place him under surveillance. He may prove to be of use.

Called it a day by the afternoon. Need to prep for another field mission at Levy’s home this evening.

Over and out.

Bum Rush

The photo to your left was the scene at todays 'training' session at the Lodge. While I was at work, slaving away in Microsoft PowerPoint and Project, wondering if I'll have a spare ten minutes to eat a sandwich from Pret, representatives of the club - the players - earning up to 3 or 4 times my wages were playing silly beggars with Radio celebrities.

This has obviously been sanctioned by Levy. A mis-guided attempt at tapping up the yoof of today, to make us look sexy and trendy via Radio and Internet coverage so that potential new 'untapped' fans don't select a top 4 club to support but choose us because our players know how to fuck about with Christopher Moyles and someone called 'Comedy Dave', who by the look of him would fit in wonderfully well in our back four along side Daft Dawson and Silly Stalteri.

The picture, above, serves only one positive, in that it appears like Robbo is about to catch something for the first time this season. Either that or he's dropping balls again. If we lose against Charlton on Monday I will hold the BBC partially responsible along with Levy and will aim for some form of compensation for dropping points. Otherwise, I'll be the one dropping something, as I bend down to greet him outside his driveway.

As for Jol, once more, he shows lack of backbone by allowing his authority to be undermined by the publicity machine which appears to take precedence over what is surely the most vital few weeks in the clubs recent history. No evidence that an actual first team training session took place today, and pictures don't lie.

I plan to take tomorrow off work and visit the Lodge.