Tottenham Hotspur. The Premier exclusive millionaire’s social club where men* can spend their week days showing off their new hair-cuts, tattoos and Louis Vuitton man bags to other members and then on the weekends get to have a bit of a kick-around to flex those muscles and sexy thighs and flick the ball around to their hearts content in specially organised football games. But don’t fret, if you don’t want to join in with the physical stuff you don’t have to. Remember, it’s not about winning; it’s the taking part that counts. Whatever you choose, it’s a perfect way to network so you can maximise your Facebook friends list so that there’s always someone to call if you fancy a little bit of nightclubbing, boozing, womanising or nights in playing Pro Evo.
*Membership for women is currently under review.
Obviously, not everyone can be accepted for membership. Ha, only joking! Nothing rigorous about our interview process so chances are you're already eligible for the thousands of pounds per week worth of benefits – which includes gym access, sauna, free lunch and coach travel to all the big cities (and even some of the small ones) across England and Europe* and still leaving you with plenty of time to hit the West End for those all important shopping trips with the WAG. You’ll also enjoy access to the main club-house in N17 and it's facilities. Feel free to turn-up whenever you fancy it.
*European tour for next year has been cancelled but plans are afoot for a complete revamp of our English destination hotspots. Stay tuned for more on this exciting news.
So are you good looking (or at least think you are)? Do you have pretty hair? Drive an expensive car? Obsessed with getting on the show-boat feature on Soccer AM? Then look no further than Tottenham. We are always happy to accommodate people who just fancy a bit of superfluous fun, and as we don’t really tie you down, if you fancy moving onto one of the other more regimental clubs out there we won’t stand in your way. But be warned, you won’t find anywhere else more relaxed and laid-back than us. No Ketchup limit here! And don’t forget we even make sure your name is down on the guest list for Faces. Yes, we take good care of our members*.
*All members have to adhere to the terms and conditions of their membership. We are happy to help with an transitional problems you may experience. If you fail to settle or simply want something more challenging and demanding we'll make sure your membership is transferred to a club of your choice if substantial compensation for the termination of your contract can be agreed to.
We also offer spending money in the way of vouchers which are transferred into sterling straight to your bank account on the strict guideline that it’s spent on your image and lifestyle, so make sure your hair highlights and shoes are yelling out ‘I’m rich and I love it!’
Come be one of the lads!If you’re carrying a bit of a knock, that’s fine. That won't stop you from joining up with us. We’ll still let you get involved in all the activities*. And if you suddenly need a prolonged rest we’re make sure you are comfortable until you’re ok to join in again. Even if it means missing some of our more prestigious jolly boy outings to Anfield, Goodison Park, Villa Park and Old Trafford that might not be available as part of the travel schedule for our next calender year.
*We currently do not offer any development and improvement classes in specialist and basic skills or team building exercises.
If you’ve only just recently left us and fancy coming back we’ve also got special rates for returning members so make sure you don’t miss out! We understand the grass is not always greener on the other side and thus we are happy to re-accommodate you, which means you get all the benefits you had the first time round. It will be just like you’ve never been away!
If you’re not sure about whether we are the right club for you and you're having difficulties making up your mind, rest assured we have people that will make you at ease. We have the very best mediators in the business and offer fantastic compensation to your existing club to help with your move over to us. Our club chairman and our event organiser and manager will make sure any lingering voice in the back of your mind is exorcised in no time. We've been the talk of the town since 1961! Do not miss out on this big and great experience!
Yes, this is Tottenham Hotspur. The bean-bag of clubs. Sit in it, and relax! You'll just love it here!
What our members say:
"I'm here for the Wembley days out. Don't care much about anything else. It's a good laugh, innit?"
“It’s lovely here. I get to practice my star-jumps all the time”
“The gaffer is great. Really takes care of everyone. But I think he’s having problems with his club-card as he can’t stop complaining about it. I think it must have belonged to the previous bloke who only had two points on it. He's having problems adding more.”
“I’m a bit scared of the ball, so it’s great that I don’t need to header it”
“I’ve signed up cause it gives me something to do until I move to Manchester”
"It's brilliant. I highly recommend it. When we travel outside of London, it's great that we can always leave early to travel back home. Those extra couple of minutes make all the difference"
A review of this weeks defeat away to Bolton will follow shortly....
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23 comments:
Spooky, thank you. That's the first laugh I've had all weekend.
"You’ll also enjoy access to the main club-house in N17 and it's facilities. Feel free to turn-up whenever you fancy it"
Outstanding.
Where can I sign up?
- Robbie Keane.
Sums it up.
I can't wait to see how you and everyone else reacts if we end up swapping Lennon for Keane.
I laughed but I'm still depressed. Good effort but not good enough :(
What a smartarse, self satisfying website this is. Instead on continually moaning about how are club is run, why don't you do something about it? Or better still, try supporting the team?
We have serious issues with our mental strength. How many times are we going to lose all 3 points in the final minutes of games? Why do we always have to wait until we are losing before we decide to play? Its fucking obvious to everyone what our weakness are and yet nothing changes. Some of our errors have been around for years now (set piece defending) and it never improves.
We came back from 2-0 down only because Bolton switched off. The moment they started playing again they scored. We are a soft soft soft touch of a team.
We are bollocks. Our away form is completely non-existent and has been for years now. It's worrying that I can't see where the points will come from our our travels. We can't afford to drop any points at home.
Arsenal next. Easy peasy.
"What a smartarse, self satisfying website this is"
Agreed. Next time spooky just tell us that the club is being managed beautifully and that theres always next week to get things right.
Self-indulgent garbage.
Keep it up.
I wasn't at the game or watching it on a stream and had to make do with SSN. When we made it 2-2 I had memories of that comeback at Charlton a while back. Then, they cut across to Merson (why him?) to reveal the scorer of the 3rd goal and for a moment I believed we had done it. I have no idea why I felt so sick when it turned out to be the Bolton winner.
We just don't have it in us at the moment.
Why is everyone surprised at the result? we never win there. We never looked like winning. Only positive was Bent.
Spooky has it nailed. There is no must win mentality. Losing is ok. Carrick had it nailed when he cited this after he joined Utd. We all know its true and theres no point hiding behind it.
Great read. Something different.
We should just write-off away games. Or get Paul McKenna in to make them believe they are always at home.
Yes, because our home form has been so good this season.
"my girlfriend and my wife love the shopping together in London...it gives me more time to spend time with my hairsylist Bruno." It's so much better then Blackburn.
very good Mr Spooky...very good...
i'm pretty sure there are a couple more memebers joining tomorrow afternoon....
2 players on their way on loan according to Sky.
Keane is a done deal!
Annoucement tomorrow...
BAD NEWS THOUGH!!!
O'hara going other way....
Completely gutted.
Spot on.
Genius. What a great piece of writing. Nail, head, flattened.
And thanks for making me laugh, even though it hurts.
Sharkey, Florida.
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