It’s a tradition for me to dress up on the final home game of the season to further highlight and bring exposure to my crusade against Levy’s incompetent reign as chairman - and this year was no different. In the past I have been naked (more of a dress down there), and chained to a turnstile. Last season I was kitted out as Harry Hotspur, in armour with plastic inflatable sword. But this season I went beyond the call of duty. I shaved my head, stuck on a pair of glasses, a suit and wore a mouth mask which allowed for the illusion of a permanent smug smile. Monopoly money stuffed in pockets and lettering on the back of my jacket stating: PLEASE BUY THE OPUS, NEED MONEY FOR CAVIAR ADDICTION. As I skipped down the High Road, I randomly jumped out in front of Spurs fans shouting:
“I’m ripping you off!”
“10% rise on your season ticket”
“Renewal by the deadline otherwise you’re banned for life”
“The bagels are never fresh”
“New stadium, are you ‘aving a laugh….is he ‘aving a laugh?”
“Let’s ground share with West Ham!”
Yes, tonight Matthew, I’m going to be…..Daniel Levy.
Within twenty minutes of arriving at the Park Lane end of the ground, I was jumped by a group of Spurs fans who were also in fancy dress. I got a taste of Levy’s abject existence if he was to relegate himself from the high life and interact with the common man as I lay on the floor like a hedgehog all curled up and motionless while Ali G, Indiana Jones, a Roman centurion and a fat bloke in sandals kicked the shit out of me. And I allowed it. I allowed it as a testament of my loyalty to my campaign to oust the chairman. Yes, they were kicking and punching me. But in essence that was Levy on the ground begging for mercy. I made myself into a living breathing visual statement of his mis-management and ordinary salt of the earth Spurs fans instinctively reacted by beating me up. As they walked away laughing, with other fans having witnessed the incident, I knew the impact made had far reaching implications. By the time you read this the video will up on Youtube and thousands will see what I created. Levy defeated by fans.
Once I dusted myself off and walked through the turnstiles, nobody took much notice of my costume. They just assumed I was a git. I burnt my season ticket in the men’s bog. Nobody noticed. And when I took my seat, people were far too busy reading the new kits catalogue because the club knows we all want to spend loads and loads of our hard earned money on a new kit and training jacket just before we spend over £600 on a new season ticket.
The game itself was a joke. But then every single match since the Cup final, bar the 4-4 draw with Chelsea (although our defending for all of their goals was poor) has been nigh shambolic. We haven’t had a decent full 90 minutes since we lifted that piece of silverware at Wembley. Now, it’s difficult to gauge whether the teams performance in the league is down to bad management on the part of Ramos and Poyet or laziness on the part of the players. You could even argue that Ramos hasn’t achieved anything in the league, with regards to progression and development and style of play. We have looked lethargic and soft for months now. Is it because more than half the players are on their way out of the club? If so, why not play more youngsters? Maybe our first-teamers don’t think they need to bother trying week in week out knowing they had UEFA Cup football next season all sorted. Why should they when they get paid no matter what?
It’s akin to you or me getting up for work in the morning, getting to our desk and then proceeding to do nothing all day other than browse the net on forums and day dream and then disappear for two hours at lunch, browsing cd’s at HMV - and still get paid your wages, and when someone questions your effort you say, “Well I turned up, didn’t I? What else do you want?”
£20,000 - £50,000 some of them pick up for doing fuck all. What a hard life. What a struggle. Lennon wasn’t anywhere near the squad on Sunday. Apparently out drinking in Loughton the previous night, he was spotted in his Ferrari leaving WHL just after 2pm. I’m guessing he had an eyebrow appointment he just couldn’t cancel. From the looks of Jenas in the first half I’m thinking he also spent Saturday night in Loughton boozing it up. No pace in midfield and no spark upfront. And Dawson in defence. It’s what nightmares are made of. Dawson and his England aspirations are always good for a laugh. Too many of our players open their mouths and talk far too often about what they want to be achieving when in reality it’s just not going to happen. Delusions of grandeur on and off the pitch. Liverpool were nothing special, bar Gerrard and Torres. But we had no equivalents to inspire something out of nothing like they so easily did.
Instead we got Berbatov doing his utmost to do nothing, making sure no last gasp injury would ruin a move away to Italy or Spain or Chelsea (there, I said it). He hardly tracked back or closed down (something that Fergie wouldn’t stand for). Everyone else was just as poor. Based on this season as a whole I’d keep Keane (fantastic goal scoring record), Woodgate, O’Hara (decent enough squad player), Hutton and Steed. King looks like he’s sticking around unless the doctors say otherwise during the summer months, but everyone else is dead weight.
Once Bale is back and Modric is settled, the escape from this bland abyss of shit will be truly complete if we can avoid any traditional Comolli signings (i.e. Zokora, Kaboul) and bring in players that are actually capable of giving something back. I say that every year, so history would suggest we are screwed. Again.
Talking of signings, maybe someone from the club can explain why Gunter wasn't involved more after the Cup final (is he injured?) and as for Gil- the best is yet come -berto, awful.......just awful awful awful.
Highlights of the game included a brawl in the East Stand between supporters. No idea if it was Liverpool fans in amongst our own, or the usual in-house fighting over much ado about nothing. Loads of punches thrown, kicking to the floor, pushing and goading. Must have been another Daniel Levy look-a-like at the centre of it. An other brother on a mission. Not a single police officer in sight during all this high drama. Just bewildered stewards watching on in fear. The police were all too busy at the various tube stations in London due to us, West Ham and Chelsea playing at home. The brawl was followed by coin/programme throwing at one of the executive boxes (just above where the trouble was) which had Liverpool fans in it. Classy stuff there lads. Especially as one of the Liverpool fans was about ten years old. The events at the JJB and Stamford Bridge were getting more cheers than anything happening on the pitch. Dire stuff all round. The sun was wasting its shine on our lot.
So that’s it. End of the season. The true test of Ramos managerial skills will run the gauntlet from the first game of the 2009 season. Apart from the Cup run we haven’t shown any evidence of improvement. There has been no swagger since last season’s exploits, nothing to match the UEFA Cup run. This years effort was abysmal, a continuous struggle from one game to the next.
From the moment that the club decided to get rid of Jol and decided that doing it publicly would be the best route to go down, we haven’t fully recovered. There have been moments. We have entertained. Scored a ton of goals and conceded us many. There’s been plenty of positives, but far too many depressing negatives. 30% of all goals conceded have come from outside the box is one of my personal favs, especially when Fulham are send in that table with just 14%. Getting rid of Robinson should save us about 18 points.
I can only hope that the reason we have been so poor is because so many players know their future is away from the club. Robinson has dyed his hair blond. Highlight of the season for him (ooh pun). He got a rousing ‘England’s number one’ during the lap of honour. It felt like the singing faithful knew this would be the last time we would see him as a Spurs player so they choose to remember better times. He waved. All very low key. Much like Berbatov’s wave as his name was sang out. All the best in the Champions League.
The 4-4 Villa draw, the 5-1, the Reading 6-4, the Cup final. It’s been a bit mad.
We’ve also gone from having a steady reliable defence (the two Jol years) to having one that just can’t defend at all. A return to the status quo then. Our home record has gone to shit. We still can’t take set pieces (apart from O’Hara corners) and still can’t kill teams off.
It’s unfair (repeating myself) to be critical of Ramos. He managed a win over Arsenal. Jol never did. We didn’t choke in either of those semi-finals and held our nerve to beat Chelsea in the final. Disappointingly, we failed in Europe – but too often this was down to the players rather than the tactics. At least that’s what I prefer to believe at the moment.
Ramos has done a damage limitation job. He has assessed the squad and from the looks of it has been winding down the season because there is nothing more for him to learn about the current batch. He has done a decent job considering that the season was practically lost when he joined (the league push for Europe was dead). Regardless of Kaboul’s rant about how we would have won the Cup with Jol in charge. We would not have won it under Jol. He had his chance the previous season.
Robinson, Lee, Kaboul, Chimbonda, Tainio, Stalteri, Cerny, Rocha (does he even exist?), Gardner, Boateng, Ghaly and Berbatov will all be gone. The other rumour is that Defoe’s transfer to Pompey included a deal that will allow Diarra to join Spurs. Arsenal wouldn’t sell him to Spurs but whether he was bought by Harry with the intention of allowing Spurs to ‘swap’ him for Defoe or that it’s just turned out that way is up to your own imagination. Defoe has apparently cost Pompey just £3M. Would explain Diarra’s ‘stepping stone’ comment 5 minutes after signing for them. Although with Pompey in a proper Cup final and above us in the Prem, it’s not so much a stepping stone but more of a trip into a muddy puddle.
Seville had a swagger about them under Ramos. I’ll be happy if we can have a bit of that about us again. And another 5th spot finish would make up for a truly unspectacular 11th.
As I left the ground, with a summer of Englandless football to look forward too, one thing sat in my mind as I contemplated next season…………will my hair grow back? That and……Here we go again.
Showing posts with label End of season review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label End of season review. Show all posts
Monday, 12 May 2008
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Season 2007 Review
Spurs fans, on certain related forums, have been rather critical recently, citing that I am being unreasonable and harsh and that I should take the following into perspective before I slag off the board and manager:
Well, congratufuckinlations. Don't be too surprised if I don't camp outside the Spurs Shop for 12 hours to be the first in line to purchase a "5th is the new 4th" limited edition t-shirt.
Do you sheep know that if we had beaten Watford away and also picked up more points against Reading and Sheffield United we would have claimed 4th spot? That's the fine line that I keep harping on about. One that the blind Levy and Jol seem to miss when its stared them in the eyes, not just once but twice. One that I'm sure, had Santini been given time, would have comfortably navigated to help us reach the Champions League.
Last season we competed for 4th spot, sat in 4th spot for four months, then watched all the hard work go down the pan with half the stomach contents of our players. But looking at last season more closely, you could argue that had we not lost a whole host of points in the last minute of several games (WHU at home, Sunderland away, Fulham away....to name a few) we would have claimed 4th spot well before the last game of the season. With the money spent by the club, I expect us to be challenging. Not sympathetically lagging behind as a mere after thought on the league season, so be it a sexy one just because we scored a ton. We also only managed to claim 6 clean sheets. Why don't we get to see that stat sang from the terraces? Well?
Spurs have to remove the dead wood from the club. I'm talking about Danny Murphy and Mido and players who are not good enough or simply redundant to the cause. Yes, thats you Gardner. I know you read this blog. You're a decent young lad with a sharp dress sense, but you run like an amputated deer with an anal plug up its arse. Mido, well its well documented that he likes his recreational activities. Fine if you are Tony Soprano, not so good if you're a professional footballer. Murphy has to be the worst transfer in recent history, far eclipsing the scandalous removal of Andrew Reid from our club.
Once the clear-out is complete, we then need to purchase a left-back and left-winger. Also a central defender and possibly another midfielder. In addition, Defoe may be sold which means we need to look at another potential striker. I'll cover this area in the next blog entry in far more detail.
As for the season of 2007? It was a case of nearly there. Again. Choking when it mattered, twice against Chelsea in the FA Cup and against Arsenal at home (Milk Cup) and in the Prem. Sometimes I wonder what happens during our half-time team talks. Do we indulge in some of Amsterdam's finest weed? Does the home changing room have a selection of kamers? Whatever happens in there, its quite obvious its not working.
Several players have had their first season at the club. Zokora, Berbatov, Chimbonda, Steed etc. But knowing Levy and his tactics, he will once more shine the light of false hope in our eyes as he brings in major signing after major signing that will actually force us down the road of transition again as the team gels. He'll do it because it works well on the euphoric level, inducing pre-season excitement of the highest order.
For me, it's simple. The player positions I highlighted earlier have to be filled by ready-made world class players who don't need time to adapt. Otherwise, the blood of the cockerel is on your hands Daniel as you once more lead us towards the hellmouth of fox hell.
Right, lets get down to the scoring:
Robbo
6/10
The Elvis Presley of the team. Brilliant start to his (Spurs) career. Reached the top of his game, loved and adored and could do no wrong. Sadly, like Elvis, he piled on the weight and although I don't expect him to die on a toilet anytime soon, I also don't envisage people visiting Robbo's house in the way of a pilgrimage. Has to go back to looking lean and mean, which should help his general battle against gravity.
Chimbonda
8/10
Wears gloves whatever the weather. Apparently wants to join Arsenal. Pleasantly surprised he didn't hand in his transfer after the home win against City. Top draw player with a highly dubious haircut.
Lee
6/10
Don't be fooled by the score. He gets a 6 because he has played well beyond what his abilities suggest he is capable of. However, he is not the answer to the left hand side and remains another Levy albatross. Bought simply to appease the Asian market and make money on shirt sales.
Stalteri
7/10
Hardly a key player and hardly played. But scores 7 points for dicking West Ham United in the epic 4-3 win. The fact that he cost us Champions League football last season and yet is still employed by the club is criminal. We have lost millions in revenue and the prestige of playing in top flight European football because he has the concentration span of a goldfish. Should be deported back to Canada.
King
9/10
Injury hit season. But still remains a colossus when he wears the lilywhite. If it was up to Levy he would have sold him to Chelsea or Arsenal for £20M a season or two ago. Lucky that King remains a rarity in the modern game. A player who remains loyal to the club he loves. Ledders is my bloodbrother. The epitome of a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter in skin and bones. A permanent two fingers up at the money men in suits.
Dawson
9/10
The make-weight in the Andrew Reid deal. Was meant to be an injury prone player. Looks daft but held the defence on his shoulders when King was out injured. Sadly, when Robbo got on his back, he collapsed. Still, a unsung hero. Berbatov will get the glory because he scores goals. Defending isn't as sexy and Daws isn't sexy, but he's a grafter.
Gardner
0/10
Out of his depth. Another season and he will have his testimonial against Barnet. Isn't it about time we farmed him out to Upton Park?
Assou-Ekotto
5/10
One trick pony. He does this turn one way then go the other that somehow always tricks the idiot player who is running towards him. Another injury hit player. A lighter skinned Thimothee Atouba but just not as entertaining.
Ifil
3/10
Another player who needs to go to Upton Park or possibly Birmingham. They took Stephen Kelly. I'm sure we can con them again. That Steve Bruce, awful awful manager.
Rocha
6/10
Uncertain of his quality. Has shown some signs of being a decent squad player. However his clearance in the semi-final was comical. Not much more to say.
Zokora
5/10
Diabolical. World Cup player who cant control the ball and enjoys the odd dive like his mate Drogba. I am not convinced of his ability. However, its his first season. So I will give him another year before sending him stink bombs. Dynamic direct runs with no end result are not enough to make up for the £8M spent on him.
Jenas
4/10
Levy's poster boy. He's like some kind of robotic baby doll that you find in Hamleys. Talk to it and it reacts in a positive way wanting to be hugged and making cute little noises as it smiles and plays. Ignore it or scream and shout and it poops itself. Jenas is a player with immense ability.
LOL, had you going there for a moment. I have no idea what he does. Yes, he scores goals from midfield. Yes he has moments of holding onto the ball, but other than that.....what does he do?
Tainio
4/10
Terrible. Cant pass and cant tackle that well. Looking tenacious and lacking skill isn't the same as being tenacious and having skill. Obviously. Funny how I can see that but Jol can't. TT is what Roy Keane would have been if had been born in Finland and was shit at football.
Murphy
2/10
The 'Heavens Gate' of transfers. Scored the two points simply because of his wife, the wonderfully lovely Joanna Taylor. She's lush. Murphy himself is the definitive tv player. Looks good for 20 minutes on the box and people think he plays like that every week. Not even sure he's turned up for many movie premiers either.
Huddlestone
7/10
The Future. A black Incredible Hulk without the weakness of turning into a weedy white man. Sublime passer of the ball. Over played and over used to the point of being drained out due to lack of quality elsewhere in the squad. A member of the Bling Squad. I'm hoping once he gets his England call up (for the first team) he'll gently inform Aaron that hos and bitches are no longer his priority. Questionable dress sense, but then do you wanna tell him?
Malbranque
6/10
A player most fans of other clubs rate and would love to have him in their team, yet we manage to make him look ordinary. Hoping he will settle into the team next season, managerial tactics permitting. Maybe his big cock has given him a balance issue. Should tuck it in under rather than to the left or right. Thats what I do.
Lennon
6/10
Great start to the season, and faded faster than a double shot he consumes when he's out and about with his Bling Squad. And I know because he has dissed me on a number of occasions. Too cool to sign autographs are you Aaron? Ignore my offer of chips Aaron? Don't want to share a cab with me Aaron? Modern day players are so detached from the common man.
Ghaly
2/10
A pawn in Levy's game of chess. Apparently has since stated he wants to play for a big team. Does he not know he IS at a big team? Not relevant anyway as he has no skill to play for us, so its doubtful he can play for anyone else in the Prem. Villa, maybe.
Tarrabt
8/10
Wonderful trickery to win the freekick that allowed Berbs to destroy West Ham with. A ginger Zidane. Quite possibly a £40M player in our ranks. Our own Leo Messi for sure.
Mido
1/10
Monumental disappointment. Just don't understand it. Why on earth did we not allow him to join Man City? The one time Levy can redeem himself and possibly get some form of credit he pulls the plug.
Defoe
7/10
Hasn't improved as a player for several years now. Runs, smacks 'em in. But has little footballing intelligence. Possibly a woman in a mans body because he still has problems getting to grips with the offside rule. You'd think we would help develop his movement wouldn't you? Top class player who will no doubt destroy our defence when we sell him to a rival club and he scores a brace against us.
Keane
9/10
Impish brilliance. And along with King has to be the first player in the starting line-up. Probably the best Irish player since Georgie Best.
Berbatov
14/10
Stick it up your c*nts, everyone who screamed REBROV when we signed this Bulgarian loveheart. Sexy, sublime, classy. Impact on club is almost Klinsmannesque. Question to be asked is......will Levy look to cash in? The man has to have a team built around him. Berbs must understand he is at a big club already. Just one that has shriveled in the freezing cold of a long long winter, longing for a warm loving touch. We simply need a hand-job to erect ourselves to a girth big enough to push aside the lips of 4th and 3rd place and then strike forward to the g-spot of 1st. Berbs is the man to give us that epiclyptic orgasm of glory.
Martin Jol
6/10
Strange substitutions and tactical decisions leave me wondering whether we should have gone for Big Sam. 3-1 up at Stamford Bridge, and we let it slip to 3-3. Several times we have struggled away from home, almost playing apologetic football (akin to 4 years ago). Big and cuddly, for sure. But does he have the killer touch? Can he turn us into a ruthless machine? I want to see you bitch and complain and bully refs and play mental mind games with other managers. Start believing you are Billy Big Balls. Make the players play each game like its against Arsenal. Actually, scrap that. We'd be relegated by Christmas. Play every game like its an FA Cup final. Remember them?
Next year, 4th spit is imperative and nothing less will do. Oh, and a cup. The UEFA Cup will do now that Seville will probably be in the Champions League we should win that comfortably. And the League Cup. I want the League Cup too. Rise to the occassion Martin. Otherwise the next time you take to the mic it will be at the Comedy Club.
Damien Comolli
6/10
Wasn't responsible for 'scouting' and 'selecting' Berbatov. A former gooner and thus far some rather curious signings. Most of them tend to be young lads who we wont see for several years, obviously depending on whether they even make it to the first team. Has this summer to prove his worth to the club.
Daniel Levy
4/10
Its groundhog day with him at the helm. We are fast becoming a '5th place club'. His playboy lifestyle along with his arrogance mean that we will always float around 5th place due to his lack of focus and sometimes almost strategic mistakes. Still no news on whether we are leaving our spiritual home or not. Is it Wembley? Is it Northumberland Park? And as for the teams progression, it stagnates all too often. When we need to be on the ball in the summer transfer market he is off in Florida sunning it up.
Never responds to my letters and emails, yet finds time to ban me from the West Stand. Knows I exist, but refuses to acknowledge me face to face.
In all the years he has been chairman, what has he actually achieved? I dare you Levy. I dare you to rise to the occasion. Prove me wrong. At least give the Park Lane bagels.
- Two Cup quarter finals and One Cup semi final
- 5th place (our highest ever Premier League finish)
- 5th for second successive season after: 14th, 11th, 10th, 12th, 9th, 10th, 14th and 9th.
- 104 goals scored: 22 to Keane, 23 to Berbatov, 18 to Defoe
- Financially stable
- Much loved manager at the helm
Well, congratufuckinlations. Don't be too surprised if I don't camp outside the Spurs Shop for 12 hours to be the first in line to purchase a "5th is the new 4th" limited edition t-shirt.
Do you sheep know that if we had beaten Watford away and also picked up more points against Reading and Sheffield United we would have claimed 4th spot? That's the fine line that I keep harping on about. One that the blind Levy and Jol seem to miss when its stared them in the eyes, not just once but twice. One that I'm sure, had Santini been given time, would have comfortably navigated to help us reach the Champions League.
Last season we competed for 4th spot, sat in 4th spot for four months, then watched all the hard work go down the pan with half the stomach contents of our players. But looking at last season more closely, you could argue that had we not lost a whole host of points in the last minute of several games (WHU at home, Sunderland away, Fulham away....to name a few) we would have claimed 4th spot well before the last game of the season. With the money spent by the club, I expect us to be challenging. Not sympathetically lagging behind as a mere after thought on the league season, so be it a sexy one just because we scored a ton. We also only managed to claim 6 clean sheets. Why don't we get to see that stat sang from the terraces? Well?
Spurs have to remove the dead wood from the club. I'm talking about Danny Murphy and Mido and players who are not good enough or simply redundant to the cause. Yes, thats you Gardner. I know you read this blog. You're a decent young lad with a sharp dress sense, but you run like an amputated deer with an anal plug up its arse. Mido, well its well documented that he likes his recreational activities. Fine if you are Tony Soprano, not so good if you're a professional footballer. Murphy has to be the worst transfer in recent history, far eclipsing the scandalous removal of Andrew Reid from our club.
Once the clear-out is complete, we then need to purchase a left-back and left-winger. Also a central defender and possibly another midfielder. In addition, Defoe may be sold which means we need to look at another potential striker. I'll cover this area in the next blog entry in far more detail.
As for the season of 2007? It was a case of nearly there. Again. Choking when it mattered, twice against Chelsea in the FA Cup and against Arsenal at home (Milk Cup) and in the Prem. Sometimes I wonder what happens during our half-time team talks. Do we indulge in some of Amsterdam's finest weed? Does the home changing room have a selection of kamers? Whatever happens in there, its quite obvious its not working.
Several players have had their first season at the club. Zokora, Berbatov, Chimbonda, Steed etc. But knowing Levy and his tactics, he will once more shine the light of false hope in our eyes as he brings in major signing after major signing that will actually force us down the road of transition again as the team gels. He'll do it because it works well on the euphoric level, inducing pre-season excitement of the highest order.
For me, it's simple. The player positions I highlighted earlier have to be filled by ready-made world class players who don't need time to adapt. Otherwise, the blood of the cockerel is on your hands Daniel as you once more lead us towards the hellmouth of fox hell.
Right, lets get down to the scoring:
Robbo
6/10
The Elvis Presley of the team. Brilliant start to his (Spurs) career. Reached the top of his game, loved and adored and could do no wrong. Sadly, like Elvis, he piled on the weight and although I don't expect him to die on a toilet anytime soon, I also don't envisage people visiting Robbo's house in the way of a pilgrimage. Has to go back to looking lean and mean, which should help his general battle against gravity.
Chimbonda
8/10
Wears gloves whatever the weather. Apparently wants to join Arsenal. Pleasantly surprised he didn't hand in his transfer after the home win against City. Top draw player with a highly dubious haircut.
Lee
6/10
Don't be fooled by the score. He gets a 6 because he has played well beyond what his abilities suggest he is capable of. However, he is not the answer to the left hand side and remains another Levy albatross. Bought simply to appease the Asian market and make money on shirt sales.
Stalteri
7/10
Hardly a key player and hardly played. But scores 7 points for dicking West Ham United in the epic 4-3 win. The fact that he cost us Champions League football last season and yet is still employed by the club is criminal. We have lost millions in revenue and the prestige of playing in top flight European football because he has the concentration span of a goldfish. Should be deported back to Canada.
King
9/10
Injury hit season. But still remains a colossus when he wears the lilywhite. If it was up to Levy he would have sold him to Chelsea or Arsenal for £20M a season or two ago. Lucky that King remains a rarity in the modern game. A player who remains loyal to the club he loves. Ledders is my bloodbrother. The epitome of a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter in skin and bones. A permanent two fingers up at the money men in suits.
Dawson
9/10
The make-weight in the Andrew Reid deal. Was meant to be an injury prone player. Looks daft but held the defence on his shoulders when King was out injured. Sadly, when Robbo got on his back, he collapsed. Still, a unsung hero. Berbatov will get the glory because he scores goals. Defending isn't as sexy and Daws isn't sexy, but he's a grafter.
Gardner
Out of his depth. Another season and he will have his testimonial against Barnet. Isn't it about time we farmed him out to Upton Park?
Assou-Ekotto
5/10
One trick pony. He does this turn one way then go the other that somehow always tricks the idiot player who is running towards him. Another injury hit player. A lighter skinned Thimothee Atouba but just not as entertaining.
Ifil
3/10
Another player who needs to go to Upton Park or possibly Birmingham. They took Stephen Kelly. I'm sure we can con them again. That Steve Bruce, awful awful manager.
Rocha
6/10
Uncertain of his quality. Has shown some signs of being a decent squad player. However his clearance in the semi-final was comical. Not much more to say.
Zokora
5/10
Diabolical. World Cup player who cant control the ball and enjoys the odd dive like his mate Drogba. I am not convinced of his ability. However, its his first season. So I will give him another year before sending him stink bombs. Dynamic direct runs with no end result are not enough to make up for the £8M spent on him.
Jenas
4/10
Levy's poster boy. He's like some kind of robotic baby doll that you find in Hamleys. Talk to it and it reacts in a positive way wanting to be hugged and making cute little noises as it smiles and plays. Ignore it or scream and shout and it poops itself. Jenas is a player with immense ability.
LOL, had you going there for a moment. I have no idea what he does. Yes, he scores goals from midfield. Yes he has moments of holding onto the ball, but other than that.....what does he do?
Tainio
4/10
Terrible. Cant pass and cant tackle that well. Looking tenacious and lacking skill isn't the same as being tenacious and having skill. Obviously. Funny how I can see that but Jol can't. TT is what Roy Keane would have been if had been born in Finland and was shit at football.
Murphy
2/10
The 'Heavens Gate' of transfers. Scored the two points simply because of his wife, the wonderfully lovely Joanna Taylor. She's lush. Murphy himself is the definitive tv player. Looks good for 20 minutes on the box and people think he plays like that every week. Not even sure he's turned up for many movie premiers either.
Huddlestone
7/10
The Future. A black Incredible Hulk without the weakness of turning into a weedy white man. Sublime passer of the ball. Over played and over used to the point of being drained out due to lack of quality elsewhere in the squad. A member of the Bling Squad. I'm hoping once he gets his England call up (for the first team) he'll gently inform Aaron that hos and bitches are no longer his priority. Questionable dress sense, but then do you wanna tell him?
Malbranque
6/10
A player most fans of other clubs rate and would love to have him in their team, yet we manage to make him look ordinary. Hoping he will settle into the team next season, managerial tactics permitting. Maybe his big cock has given him a balance issue. Should tuck it in under rather than to the left or right. Thats what I do.
Lennon
6/10
Great start to the season, and faded faster than a double shot he consumes when he's out and about with his Bling Squad. And I know because he has dissed me on a number of occasions. Too cool to sign autographs are you Aaron? Ignore my offer of chips Aaron? Don't want to share a cab with me Aaron? Modern day players are so detached from the common man.
Ghaly
2/10
A pawn in Levy's game of chess. Apparently has since stated he wants to play for a big team. Does he not know he IS at a big team? Not relevant anyway as he has no skill to play for us, so its doubtful he can play for anyone else in the Prem. Villa, maybe.
Tarrabt
8/10
Wonderful trickery to win the freekick that allowed Berbs to destroy West Ham with. A ginger Zidane. Quite possibly a £40M player in our ranks. Our own Leo Messi for sure.
Mido
1/10
Monumental disappointment. Just don't understand it. Why on earth did we not allow him to join Man City? The one time Levy can redeem himself and possibly get some form of credit he pulls the plug.
Defoe
7/10
Hasn't improved as a player for several years now. Runs, smacks 'em in. But has little footballing intelligence. Possibly a woman in a mans body because he still has problems getting to grips with the offside rule. You'd think we would help develop his movement wouldn't you? Top class player who will no doubt destroy our defence when we sell him to a rival club and he scores a brace against us.
Keane
9/10
Impish brilliance. And along with King has to be the first player in the starting line-up. Probably the best Irish player since Georgie Best.
Berbatov
14/10
Stick it up your c*nts, everyone who screamed REBROV when we signed this Bulgarian loveheart. Sexy, sublime, classy. Impact on club is almost Klinsmannesque. Question to be asked is......will Levy look to cash in? The man has to have a team built around him. Berbs must understand he is at a big club already. Just one that has shriveled in the freezing cold of a long long winter, longing for a warm loving touch. We simply need a hand-job to erect ourselves to a girth big enough to push aside the lips of 4th and 3rd place and then strike forward to the g-spot of 1st. Berbs is the man to give us that epiclyptic orgasm of glory.
Martin Jol
6/10
Strange substitutions and tactical decisions leave me wondering whether we should have gone for Big Sam. 3-1 up at Stamford Bridge, and we let it slip to 3-3. Several times we have struggled away from home, almost playing apologetic football (akin to 4 years ago). Big and cuddly, for sure. But does he have the killer touch? Can he turn us into a ruthless machine? I want to see you bitch and complain and bully refs and play mental mind games with other managers. Start believing you are Billy Big Balls. Make the players play each game like its against Arsenal. Actually, scrap that. We'd be relegated by Christmas. Play every game like its an FA Cup final. Remember them?
Next year, 4th spit is imperative and nothing less will do. Oh, and a cup. The UEFA Cup will do now that Seville will probably be in the Champions League we should win that comfortably. And the League Cup. I want the League Cup too. Rise to the occassion Martin. Otherwise the next time you take to the mic it will be at the Comedy Club.
Damien Comolli
6/10
Wasn't responsible for 'scouting' and 'selecting' Berbatov. A former gooner and thus far some rather curious signings. Most of them tend to be young lads who we wont see for several years, obviously depending on whether they even make it to the first team. Has this summer to prove his worth to the club.
Daniel Levy
4/10
Its groundhog day with him at the helm. We are fast becoming a '5th place club'. His playboy lifestyle along with his arrogance mean that we will always float around 5th place due to his lack of focus and sometimes almost strategic mistakes. Still no news on whether we are leaving our spiritual home or not. Is it Wembley? Is it Northumberland Park? And as for the teams progression, it stagnates all too often. When we need to be on the ball in the summer transfer market he is off in Florida sunning it up.
Never responds to my letters and emails, yet finds time to ban me from the West Stand. Knows I exist, but refuses to acknowledge me face to face.
In all the years he has been chairman, what has he actually achieved? I dare you Levy. I dare you to rise to the occasion. Prove me wrong. At least give the Park Lane bagels.
Sunday, 13 May 2007
There's only one Daniel Levy
Like fuck there is.
So ends the 2007 season. Martin Jol 'just' about avoids the sack with us nicking 5th spot. And he proceeds to thank his chairman by taking the mic at the end of the game and saluting the board for their continued unquestionable investment into the club. Technically, I suppose Martin is correct in doing so. £3 for a mobile phone ring-tone of the Park Lane or the Shelf Side singing is certainly a shrewd way of taking money off the fans to 'invest', along with the additional 'investments' they are pulling in via the increased season ticket prices (if you want to have the crowd singing as your ring-tone, record it on your mobile yourself for fucks sake).
Jol also arse-kissed the home fans by telling us we are the best in the country. We fucking know that already Martin. Jesus. We are so loud that when we're away the home team play white noise out of their tannoy system to drown out the Glory Glory Hallelujah's.
Anyway, I'll get back to Jol's thank you speech later. Lets take this from the top.
Home game, last of the season, against Manchester City. Going into this we could have quite easily dropped out of a UEFA Cup spot and into the Inter-Toto, depending also on other results going against us. As usual, Spurs were playing chicken with humiliation. Now you may think me harsh. A win at home today and we would claim 5th spot for the second successive season (as long as Everton failed to win at Chelsea). Would be the first time since 1990 that we would sit in a top 6 placing for a second consecutive year.
All looks good on paper doesn't it? But then, whoever heard of a trophy cabinet with a piece of A4 sitting in it?
I decided to attend the final game of the season with my traditional utility belt consisting of:
I also attended the game in battle clothing. WTF, I hear you ask?
Well firstly, I decided against dressing up as the Anti-Chirpy this season, due to the incident in last years final home game when the real Chirpy squared up to me in Block 34 and we ended up having cock-on-cock action. It's difficult to throw punches dressed as a cartoon cockerel. Even more difficult is to know for sure whether your uppercuts are truly doing any damage due to the cushioned head-mask giving added protection. Suffice to say, I set fire to his face. Ah yes, fond memories of last year. They had to re-design him after that incident. Anyways, that was then. This is the present and today I went dressed as Sir Henry Percy aka Harry Hotspur, 1st Earl of Northumberland. Very apt if you ask me.
Reconstruction: How I looked dressed like Harry Hotspur
So ends the 2007 season. Martin Jol 'just' about avoids the sack with us nicking 5th spot. And he proceeds to thank his chairman by taking the mic at the end of the game and saluting the board for their continued unquestionable investment into the club. Technically, I suppose Martin is correct in doing so. £3 for a mobile phone ring-tone of the Park Lane or the Shelf Side singing is certainly a shrewd way of taking money off the fans to 'invest', along with the additional 'investments' they are pulling in via the increased season ticket prices (if you want to have the crowd singing as your ring-tone, record it on your mobile yourself for fucks sake).
Jol also arse-kissed the home fans by telling us we are the best in the country. We fucking know that already Martin. Jesus. We are so loud that when we're away the home team play white noise out of their tannoy system to drown out the Glory Glory Hallelujah's.
Anyway, I'll get back to Jol's thank you speech later. Lets take this from the top.
Home game, last of the season, against Manchester City. Going into this we could have quite easily dropped out of a UEFA Cup spot and into the Inter-Toto, depending also on other results going against us. As usual, Spurs were playing chicken with humiliation. Now you may think me harsh. A win at home today and we would claim 5th spot for the second successive season (as long as Everton failed to win at Chelsea). Would be the first time since 1990 that we would sit in a top 6 placing for a second consecutive year.
All looks good on paper doesn't it? But then, whoever heard of a trophy cabinet with a piece of A4 sitting in it?
I decided to attend the final game of the season with my traditional utility belt consisting of:
- Season Ticket 2007
- A box of matches
- Plastic bag to retain the ashes in (for potential ash-throwing later on)
- Leaflets proclaiming Levy as the anti-christ
I also attended the game in battle clothing. WTF, I hear you ask?
Well firstly, I decided against dressing up as the Anti-Chirpy this season, due to the incident in last years final home game when the real Chirpy squared up to me in Block 34 and we ended up having cock-on-cock action. It's difficult to throw punches dressed as a cartoon cockerel. Even more difficult is to know for sure whether your uppercuts are truly doing any damage due to the cushioned head-mask giving added protection. Suffice to say, I set fire to his face. Ah yes, fond memories of last year. They had to re-design him after that incident. Anyways, that was then. This is the present and today I went dressed as Sir Henry Percy aka Harry Hotspur, 1st Earl of Northumberland. Very apt if you ask me.
Reconstruction: How I looked dressed like Harry Hotspur
From head to toe, I looked the part. Even grew a beard for the occassion. However, due to sporting actual metallic plate armour (none of this fancy dress plastic rubbish - I have a friend who works in theatre) I was advised by the stewards that I would not be permitted to enter the stadium. I quite obviously stood my ground, finding strength from the fact that Henry was a true warrior. In fact, I sometimes wonder if maybe I am the reincarnation of him, which may explain my stupendous resolve and passion in times of hardship.
After a heated debate and the arrival of two police officers outside the South Stand lower entrance, I was politely informed not to continue my protest if I wished to attend the game. Or I'd be spending more than 90 minutes in the back of a police van. Fascism at its very worse. I had to remove the armour. This was not something I had planned for. I had no alternative clothing with me. And there was no chance of parting with my hard earned cash in the extortionate Spurs Shop.
I now knew how Henry did when he took his visor off during the Battle of Shrewsbury and was hit in the mouth with an arrow, instantly killing him. I had to suffer a similar indignity, as I too was lost for words.
Under the armour, I was actually not wearing much. I was wearing nothing in fact. Theres something about the cold metal and the way it felt against my skin that made me decide to go commando. That and the fact that its bloody hot having to wear it and travel on the London Underground without being able to sit down. But the whole experience really helped me to connect with how Henry Percy might have felt when he was about to go into battle. I'm sure they didn't have boxer shorts back in those days anyways, so I felt quite authentic.
So, having removed the armour, I used my scarf as a make-shift nappy to hide my pride and joy. I'm going to take a guess and say the wolf whistles I got were ironic. And for the record, I do not and have never liked Barrymore and at no point in my life handed out sweets.
Anyway, half naked or not, I wasn't about to allow this little setback ruin my day. I took my place in my seat and watched the game with my fellow Spurs fans.
We played woefully bad again much like the Blackburn game on Thursday. Yes, we won. And yes we claimed 5th spot. But this is simply not good enough. I can only say that we must have the same kind of luck West Ham have, but simply opposite sides of the table. In other words, we are just lucky. Evidence supporting this:
These defects are still present in the team that Martin Jol built and financed by Daniel Levy. Its like having a house with several holes in the roof that water drips down from. Instead of fixing the holes, you leave several buckets to capture the falling water.
Reconstruction: How I looked without the armour
We are 5th - when we should be 3rd. No excuses. Martin Jol's tactics and Levy and Comolli strategics have failed again. 20 more games this season than last, but its not like we played anyone decent in our cup matches (domestically and in Europe) until we played the teams that knocked us out.
Still no wins against the big 4 either in the Prem (or the Cups) and in any of the crunch games apart from the 2-1 win at WHL against Chelsea. But as that was the only victory, I'll put that down as a fluke.
If you take 3 games from the season that we could have won if it wasn't for individual or tactical mishaps, we could easily be neck and neck with 4th and 3rd. I'm getting side-tracked. More on the season in my season review which I'll write up in the next week or so.
Back to today. The game matched the weather (it was depressing). I tried several times to start up anti-Levy chants, only to be drowned out by 'England's Number One'. Yes, the immovable object still gets a chorus or ten every game, which I'm sure he celebrates by having a half-time pie.
As my nipples hardened in the cold weather and with the final whistle being blown, I then had to endure more cringe-worthy embarrassment. And for anyone in Block 34, I am not referring to the incident when my scarf came loose due to experiencing an 'unnecessary' and poked the young lady who sits in front of me in the back of her head (thankfully, she thought it was my match-day programme).
I am of course referring to the end of the game 'celebrations' which included various 'Player of the Year' awards and Martin Jol being handed a microphone. Now, initially, I half expected him to do an impersonation of Dean Martin if Dean Martin was alive, sober, Dutch and had no jokes. But it turned out to be a mish-mash of Winston Churchill rallying the troops and a Gordon Brown speech.
Several bursts of sound bites followed by rapturous supporter applause and chanting. It turned into a farce the moment he gave credit to the board of directors. I found myself utterly ashamed as a chorus of 'There's only one Daniel Levy' erupted from a section of the Park Lane. These fools must have been pissed on cheap cider - but the more likely explanation is that they are members of the Agents of Levy, a clandestine group of paid actors Levy has infiltrating the stands to make sure the right type of 'noises' are heard during the game.
Its like the CIA in South American all over again.
All the fanfare hides another disappointing season without silverware. Eight points adrift off 3rd place and still persisting in starting Anthony 'One more year till his testimonial' Gardner.
Gardner is a paradox. A man that should never have been a professional footballer, yet finds himself playing in the Premiership and earning thousands. Constantly proves he should drop down a division with his Harold Lloyd performances, yet consistently wears our colours as a utility player. Maybe Jol is waiting for Sam Beckett to quantum leap into Anthony and turn him into a hero. Newsflash Jol; Sam Beckett is played by an actor (Scott Bakula) and Quantum Leap is a fictional sci-fi television series. Its never going to happen. Anthony Gardner will never have Al and Ziggy to help him out with his back passes and composure.
After Jol's stand-up routine (he could have shat in a hat and still got worshipped by the home faithful) I proceeded with my traditional burning of my season ticket. Sadly, due to the enforced policing and general fascist state ethos the club aspires too I had to burn the season ticket in the mens toilets. This did not have the desired effect I wished for, as people kept asking me if I could share my spliff with them.
It would appear that Levy had the last laugh today. The sun, breaking out from behind the grey miserable clouds blinded everyone from the factual truth that we are once more 'nearly' there. I find myself dead, exhumed and cut up into four quarters - each part buried in each corner of the White Hart Lane pitch. All thats missing is my head stuck on a pole at the gates of the West Stand.
It's going to be long long summer. But don't think that the battle is over. I will haunt Levy like the ghost of Henry Percy. I mean literally. I plan to break into his house tonight and walk around with a white bed sheet over my head.
After a heated debate and the arrival of two police officers outside the South Stand lower entrance, I was politely informed not to continue my protest if I wished to attend the game. Or I'd be spending more than 90 minutes in the back of a police van. Fascism at its very worse. I had to remove the armour. This was not something I had planned for. I had no alternative clothing with me. And there was no chance of parting with my hard earned cash in the extortionate Spurs Shop.
I now knew how Henry did when he took his visor off during the Battle of Shrewsbury and was hit in the mouth with an arrow, instantly killing him. I had to suffer a similar indignity, as I too was lost for words.
Under the armour, I was actually not wearing much. I was wearing nothing in fact. Theres something about the cold metal and the way it felt against my skin that made me decide to go commando. That and the fact that its bloody hot having to wear it and travel on the London Underground without being able to sit down. But the whole experience really helped me to connect with how Henry Percy might have felt when he was about to go into battle. I'm sure they didn't have boxer shorts back in those days anyways, so I felt quite authentic.
So, having removed the armour, I used my scarf as a make-shift nappy to hide my pride and joy. I'm going to take a guess and say the wolf whistles I got were ironic. And for the record, I do not and have never liked Barrymore and at no point in my life handed out sweets.
Anyway, half naked or not, I wasn't about to allow this little setback ruin my day. I took my place in my seat and watched the game with my fellow Spurs fans.
We played woefully bad again much like the Blackburn game on Thursday. Yes, we won. And yes we claimed 5th spot. But this is simply not good enough. I can only say that we must have the same kind of luck West Ham have, but simply opposite sides of the table. In other words, we are just lucky. Evidence supporting this:
- We can not defend crosses or set pieces
- We give away painfully simplistic goals, usually created out of individual errors
- We cannot take set pieces (corners or free kicks)
- We cannot cross the ball (still no true left winger three years later)
- We cannot keep clean sheets
- We still don't have the right balance in midfield
- We sit back instead of dominating possession
These defects are still present in the team that Martin Jol built and financed by Daniel Levy. Its like having a house with several holes in the roof that water drips down from. Instead of fixing the holes, you leave several buckets to capture the falling water.
Reconstruction: How I looked without the armour
We are 5th - when we should be 3rd. No excuses. Martin Jol's tactics and Levy and Comolli strategics have failed again. 20 more games this season than last, but its not like we played anyone decent in our cup matches (domestically and in Europe) until we played the teams that knocked us out.
Still no wins against the big 4 either in the Prem (or the Cups) and in any of the crunch games apart from the 2-1 win at WHL against Chelsea. But as that was the only victory, I'll put that down as a fluke.
If you take 3 games from the season that we could have won if it wasn't for individual or tactical mishaps, we could easily be neck and neck with 4th and 3rd. I'm getting side-tracked. More on the season in my season review which I'll write up in the next week or so.
Back to today. The game matched the weather (it was depressing). I tried several times to start up anti-Levy chants, only to be drowned out by 'England's Number One'. Yes, the immovable object still gets a chorus or ten every game, which I'm sure he celebrates by having a half-time pie.
As my nipples hardened in the cold weather and with the final whistle being blown, I then had to endure more cringe-worthy embarrassment. And for anyone in Block 34, I am not referring to the incident when my scarf came loose due to experiencing an 'unnecessary' and poked the young lady who sits in front of me in the back of her head (thankfully, she thought it was my match-day programme).
I am of course referring to the end of the game 'celebrations' which included various 'Player of the Year' awards and Martin Jol being handed a microphone. Now, initially, I half expected him to do an impersonation of Dean Martin if Dean Martin was alive, sober, Dutch and had no jokes. But it turned out to be a mish-mash of Winston Churchill rallying the troops and a Gordon Brown speech.
Jol is no MC
Its like the CIA in South American all over again.
All the fanfare hides another disappointing season without silverware. Eight points adrift off 3rd place and still persisting in starting Anthony 'One more year till his testimonial' Gardner.
Gardner is a paradox. A man that should never have been a professional footballer, yet finds himself playing in the Premiership and earning thousands. Constantly proves he should drop down a division with his Harold Lloyd performances, yet consistently wears our colours as a utility player. Maybe Jol is waiting for Sam Beckett to quantum leap into Anthony and turn him into a hero. Newsflash Jol; Sam Beckett is played by an actor (Scott Bakula) and Quantum Leap is a fictional sci-fi television series. Its never going to happen. Anthony Gardner will never have Al and Ziggy to help him out with his back passes and composure.
After Jol's stand-up routine (he could have shat in a hat and still got worshipped by the home faithful) I proceeded with my traditional burning of my season ticket. Sadly, due to the enforced policing and general fascist state ethos the club aspires too I had to burn the season ticket in the mens toilets. This did not have the desired effect I wished for, as people kept asking me if I could share my spliff with them.
It would appear that Levy had the last laugh today. The sun, breaking out from behind the grey miserable clouds blinded everyone from the factual truth that we are once more 'nearly' there. I find myself dead, exhumed and cut up into four quarters - each part buried in each corner of the White Hart Lane pitch. All thats missing is my head stuck on a pole at the gates of the West Stand.
It's going to be long long summer. But don't think that the battle is over. I will haunt Levy like the ghost of Henry Percy. I mean literally. I plan to break into his house tonight and walk around with a white bed sheet over my head.
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