Spurs and Survival: It's time to get medieval

A regular feature on this blog has been a reoccurring series following a set of fixtures that are meant to provide the much needed impetus (and points) to finally steer us clear of the scary little mire that is the bottom three seats of the Premiership. A place best avoided much like a seedy back room in a pawn shop resembling a dungeon.

When Harry Redknapp joined, I gave him 12 games to get us out of trouble. Results were not too shabby. The 12 games in question made up the fabled Challenge Spurs™ (The Dirty Dozen) series. But when that ended, we failed to capitalise on the points tally acquired and managed to follow it up with a pretty awful run of results, followed by another mixed bag (as chronicled in the V for Victory™ series).

This meant we failed to pull ourselves away from the mix down at the bottom. So these run of fixtures never made a difference win, lose or draw with regards to climbing the table (obviously the points picked up have been all important, otherwise we'd be doomed by now). And the teams around us have also remained fairly constant with poor and inconsistent form. Not a lot has changed in the past few months.

We now find ourselves with the run-in and every game a must-win (not every game is winnable, but that's the attitude required. Deja vu, right?). Which ironically means, that if there was a time to scrutinise our fixture list and welcome back Challenge Spurs™, it’s now. Fail, and there's nothing but Championship fixtures to look forward to.

We have 13 games left - 6 at home and 7 away.

We've already driven the little Honda into Marcellus Wallace. Donuts and coffee hitting the pavement. And arguably, we’ve already stumbled our way into the Mason-Dixie pawn shop. So squeaky-bum time is potentially moments away. Zed will see to that. Get yourself caught up in the moment and you might find it more than just a bit tricky to get out. All tied up and gagged, praying for a miracle. Zed has us in his sights. Relegation. Relegation has us in its sights. The spider has caught itself a fly.

"Bring out The Gimp"
"I think The Gimp is sleepin'"

In this case, the Gimp is not Jermaine Jenas. And neither is it sleeping. The Gimp is the monkey on our back. Nope, not Gareth Bale (he's mostly on the bench nowadays). The Gimp is the persistent match-losing lack of concentration that has seen us defeat ourselves in the last four league away games - all in the final minutes.

It’s a mental block. Lack of concentration, belief. A fundamental lack of self-respect. Confidence, pride...lack of. Tag whatever you wish to it. Its a Spurs trait we always blame when you know what hits the fan.

Last time the Gimp persevered, it cost us Champions League (forget the last game and think back to the amount of points lost in the final minutes both home and away during the course of that season). For it to occur four times on the trot, all away from the Lane this season, is a sure sign that winning is sometimes a task too hard for some of our players. They welcome the Gimp and it's all too familiar hooded face of sadomasochistic defeatism. We need to punch the Gimp in the head several times.

"So, we're cool?"

We are at the point of no second chances now. If you sit down with your calculator or Prem Table predictor website tool, the possibility of us being unsafe and at risk on the final game is possible if you base our final set of games and likely outcomes on prior form. Especially on away form.

We are likely to pick up points at home. Although it’s ominous that we haven't done that amazingly well so far. But the home games are now imperative. No possible excuse could appease us if we don't prove successful at WHL. As for the away games, they can be grouped into two sections:

The 'No Chance in Hell' List

Man Utd
Aston Villa
Everton
Liverpool

The 'Doubtful we'll win' List

Hull City
Blackburn Rovers
Sunderland

Lose to Hull away, and the game against Boro at home turns into a Cup final, to follow on from that other Cup final we play out a few days earlier. Sunderland away has yet to be slotted into the schedule having been postponed. So where is the away win(s) going to happen? We have a good record at Everton, don't we?

I prefer to think that Spurs will do what they usually do in such desperate times. Instinctively react and do so positively. Almost nonchalantly. Bit like the goals that came at the end of the semi-final against Burnley. We waited until we were 3-0 down and (practically) out of the Cup before showing a bit of quality and pulling through. It's textbook Spurs. It's eternally frustrating. Back to the home games left to play:

The 'Must Not Drop Points' List

Boro
Chelsea
West Ham
Newcastle
WBA
Man City

Apart from Chelsea (who might be rejuvenated a little by the time we play them) the other games in this list have to be victories in our favour. Without any disrespect, they are winnable. On paper. That's a fans perspective. The players have to be ruthless and fearless against the lot of them.Whether it's Chelsea or WBA.

The other clubs around us down at the bottom will no doubt struggle till the closing day of the season, but the desperation of needing them to lose to help us out is something I will not embrace.

It’s in our hands. Again. We can't be hoping other results go in our favour. We have to control our own destiny (cringe away).

We are in need for an inspired Butch with a Samurai sword moment to signal our intent for survival.

And we are equipped for it. Palacios, big and strong and inspiring. Keane will rediscover form and the back of the net. Dawson will continue to led in the absence of King. Lennon, who's energy this season has never faltered, will buzz around and torment. Modric possesses the quality that will help unlock a defence or two and allow Pav and Bent to get in amongst the goals. And Harry will make sure it all tick tocks clockwise.

How the Carling Cup final or the UEFA Cup games will affect squad moral is not something I wish to dwell on. It's not quite like last season where the players went to sleep after the 2-1 Wembley win and forgot how to win in the Prem. There's a clear distinction between one off games like the Final and the bread and butter of the Prem this term. And the latter is clearly of more importance in the long run.

Butch, driving into Marcellus, allowed destiny to take them to the pawn shop and perilously close to a humiliating death. The death part was avoided. The humiliation unavoidable. The will to survive saw them through it, bloody in victory and revenge.

Much like the two of them, its down to us that we are in this predicament. We've led ourselves here. Destiny playing its part with comparative ease. We've suffered the humiliation. We now need to stay clear of death. So here's to a quick sharp exit, riding off on a Chopper, with a happy ending.



‘Who’s Relegation?’
‘Relegations dead, baby, Relegations dead’

Challenge Spurs™ - The Challenge and the Forecast

The Challenge


30 points minimum by January 1st.

12 games.
6 at home.
6 away.
36 possible points.



The Forecast


Here's the Dirty Dozen:


(H) Bolton
(A) Arsenal
(H) Liverpool
(A) Man City
(A) Fulham
(H) Blackburn
(H) Everton
(A) West Ham
(H) Man Utd
(A) Newcastle
(H) Fulham
(A) WBA


30 points is such a massive task for one simple reason. We've picked up 2 from 8 games, so form wise - taken into account the last few performances - we are unlikely to win any of them. But something has to give, right? Something has to give. So, we may as well humour the hypothetical. Its nigh impossible to predict results ahead of the next one for the simple reason that as shit as we are, if we do get something out of the Bolton game then our form might progress to the point where we start winning games and playing well. Confidence can do wonders.

So, let's pretend Spurs will take charge of their destiny and attempt to be realistic with the predictions:


Game 01 - (H) Bolton ---------------- W 3 points
Game 02 - (A) Arsenal --------------- L
Game 03 - (H) Liverpool ------------- D 1 point
Game 04 - (A) Man City ------------- D 1 point
Game 05 - (A) Fulham --------------- W 3 points
Game 06 - (H) Blackburn ------------ W 3 points
Game 07 - (H) Everton -------------- W 3 points
Game 08 - (A) West Ham ------------ D 1 point
Game 09 - (H) Man Utd ------------- L
Game 10 - (A) Newcastle ------------ D 1 point
Game 11 - (H) Fulham -------------- W 3 point
Game 12 - (A) WBA ----------------- W 3 point


That gives us a measly 22 points. Which means at Christmas we'll have a grand total of 22 points. That's 8 short of 30, which means Spurs will simply not be able to afford any slip ups into January through to May, and that might still not be enough. Maybe we need to be tapping up Santa Claus.

In the above predicted results I've given us the following proud stats:

• 4 home wins from 6
• 2 away wins from 6
• 4 draws
• 2 defeats

Realistic enough? Obviously again, all dependent on the Bolton game/result the game directly after that one (Arsenal - gulp). Two straight defeats, then we'll be lucky to pick up 5 points before Boxing Day.

Turning the draws into victories will be the difference. Any of those turning into defeats and we'll be down before we visit the JJB.

After Xmas, comes 2009. Which brings us onto the following games:

(A) Wigan
(H) Portsmouth
(H) Stoke
(A) Bolton
(H) Arsenal

All of which will be of no consequence, depending on what happens now till Xmas.


Ideal (fantasy) Scenario?


6 home wins (18 points)
3 away wins (9 points)
2 away draw (2 points)
1 defeat (not ideal, but I'm already deep in imagination land with the rest of this scenario)


= 29 points + 2 we have already = 31 points

Mission Accomplished. Either way, 22 or 31, the points ratio has to pick up from game to game.

So, the aim of Challenge Spurs™ is simply for the team to achieve the points tally as outlined under 'The Forecast' or better it.

Excited? I'm shitting bagels.

UEFA Cup Draw

GROUP D: TOTTENHAM, Spartak Moscow, Udinese, Dinamo Zagreb, NEC Nijmegen.


Top three go through. Much prefer our group than the ones Villa, Pompey and City got. Pompey have to deal with Milan and Villa will see themselves up against Martin Jol's Hamburg (odds on us playing Hamburg in a latter round?). I actually fancy them (the Germans), Milan or Liege to win it this season. Although Sevilla can't be discounted (odds on us playing them in a latter round?).

Anyways, not saying ours is an easy group, but it won't be too difficult if we wake up and start playing well. An on-form Spurs side (remember those days?) won't have trouble qualifying. The current 'form' Spurs side won't pick up more than 2 points (there's that number again).

Like the way the draw sees us up against Pav and Modric's former clubs. Not that Pav can play. All down to Campbell and Bent to lead us to glory.

Cough.

Also, if anyone can explain how the draw works, let me know.

Ramos will bale us out

Spurs pretend-flirt with the bottom three places all the time. We lift up our short skirt and bend over, teasing ever so playfully - but never does the big cock of relegation penetrate our anus. The chastity of mid-table always retains the little dignity we possess.

Things are not exactly pretty statistically at the moment. Ramos has been Spurs boss for almost 12 months. In that time we’ve played 31 league games winning 10, drawing 10 and losing 11. We’ve notched 1 league win in our last 11 games and haven’t scored more than a single league goal since March when we won 2-0 v Pompey. Bale has played 12 league games and in those games Spurs have never registered a win.

If you take all the league games played in the calendar year of 2008 we sit second from bottom with 5 wins in 22 games (8 draws, 9 defeats). With a total of 23 points compared to Chelsea who are top with 54 points. Those 5 glorious victories came against:

Sunderland (h)
Derby (a)
West Ham (h)
Portsmouth (h)
Reading (a)

It’s all compounded further with the sorry fact that this is our worst start in 34 years. And if you want to get uber-depressive about all this (if you’re not moving to Bridgend already), this season we haven’t deserved to win any of the games we have lost. All winnable, very much, you would think and hope. But 0 points against Boro, Sunderland and Villa is exactly what our performance was deserving of. Sure, we retain the ball and pass it about, but every counter attack from the opposition seems to end with them scoring. The two goals we buried into the back of the net were both fortunate rather than something created from a spark of magic.

But in the midst of all this chaos and dejection, it’s not surprising if a first win sets us on our way. We seem to start poorly, more so these days. The higher the expectation, the more embarrassed we are. So, up and coming:

Spurs v Wilsa Karkow (UEFA Cup)
Spurs V Wigan (Prem)
Newcastle v Spurs (Carling Cup)
Pompey v Spurs (Prem)
Wilsa Karkow v Spurs (UEFA Cup)
Spurs v Hull (Prem)

6 games. Six defining matches. Thursday is an evening of football where Spurs cannot fail to impress and convince.

Ramos – play your sodding strongest side. Play to the players strengths.
As for the players – show some fucking heart, spirit and pride.

Boss the pitch. Movement with urgency and trickery. Dominate and win handsomely.

And the fans? Calm the fuck down you bunch of absolute melters. Stop obsessing with stats and harping on about Martin Jol because I’m sure the ones questioning his ‘sacking’ and wanting him back are the same tools that wanted him sacked. Jol, undermined and spent had to leave our club. 3 fucking defeats and you want Ramos out and Jol back? Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Being bottom of the table or listening to the fickleness that our supporters are preaching.

COYS and lock Bale in cupboard till Monday.


~Spooky

Away, again

Excellent. Made even better with the scum getting WBA at home. Should be a larf, the Boro at the Riverside. I'm sure our fans will enjoy the day out. Their fans and police know how to show us a good time.

Chelsea, 4th game of the season and Arsenal not too long after that. I'll have the excuses ready by the start of the season.

The most important run of games in our history

Sunderland @ Home
Arsenal @ Home
Man Utd away
Everton away
Man Utd @ Home
Derby away
Slavia Prague away
Chelsea @ Home
Slavia Prague @ Home
West Ham @ Home


Every game a cup final. A relegation dogfight is still a possibility, making the home game against Sunderland IMPERATIVE. We owe them for the opening day and the players owe us for the pigs ear they made of the early stage of the season. We have to get points from all of the above Prem games.

Six games at home. Four away. You would think its in our favour.

This time last year we beat Chelsea 2-1

Remember remember, the 3rd of November....not quite the same is it?

Boro 1 Spurs 1


One point gained or two points lost?

Another performance lacking any of the sexy qualities we would wish to see in a Spurs performance. Dawson still on roller-skates, along with one or two others who appear to have yet awaken from their deep sleep. It’s night terrors week in week out for the Spurs fans. Yes, we got pegged back by a ‘beauty’ from an ex-Spurs player. If we’re not conceding comedy goals were conceding contenders for goal of the month, with their own back story for added effect.

Two games unbeaten, so can’t be that downbeat about it. Still can’t see where a big confidence boosting victory is coming from.

Ramos starting Bent and Defoe suggests he is using his opening few games to suss out the players. Doubt he learned that much on Saturday, equally so when the disinterested Berbatov came on whom apparently was set for a meeting with his agent yesterday about his future at Spurs. Don’t care how good a player you are, if you don’t want to wear the shirt then get the fuck out. Hopefully his mega-sulk hasn’t knocked off £10M from our asking price.

What's more frustrating is the fact that once more we take the lead and fail to keep it. Stat attack:





This season, we have taken the lead in 8 games out of 12. Only Man Utd and Arsenal have done so more often than us (with 10 and 9 respectively). Not surprisingly we have the lowest % rate in the Prem for winning a game we have taken the lead in. That's how vulnerable (shit) we are.

We covert just 13% of our leads into three points. That's relegation form right there for you.


Elsewhere, Jol wants to return to Spurs at some point in the future (surely he is taking the piss?). He is still the king of the soundbites. His interview in The Observer is a strange one. Remarking about how Berbatov came to him this season and said ‘I want him to achieve things’. Think Jol must have reminded him he still plays for Spurs.

And this sums up the big man:

A master of the one-liner, Jol jokes about that affinity. He is dressed in a burgundy shirt, similar in colour to Arsenal's centenary kit of two seasons ago. 'This is the first time I wear this colour, it's unbelievable,' says Jol. 'But that is what they put into you when you are at Spurs. If I would have £2billion I would buy Arsenal. And I'd make a big parking place from the Emirates and make a new stadium for Spurs. Or for another club, you know. That is a nice one!'

If only he was as good a manager as he was dealing with the media.

Spurs now have the following fixtures, up and coming:


Tel-Aviv (A) UEFA
Wigan (H)
West Ham (A)
AaB (H) UEFA
Birmingham (H)
Anderlecht (A) UEFA
Man City (H)
Pompey (A)
Man City (A) League Cup
Arsenal (A)
Fulham (H)
Reading (H)

Need to bag 3 or 4 wins before we face Arsenal. Because if we don’t, it means no improvement has been made, and they will no doubt rape us at the Emirates.

Worst. Season. Ever.

Pilgrimage

UEFA Cup group G
Anderlecht
Tottenham
Getafe
Hapoel Tel-Aviv
Aalborg


From spurs.co.uk:

"We will open our UEFA Cup Group Stage campaign with a home fixture against Getafe on Thursday October 25.

This will be followed by a trip to Tel Aviv to take on Hapoel on Thursday November 8 before Match day three brings the visit of Aalborg to the Lane on Thursday November 29.

Our participation in the Group Stage concludes when we travel to Belgium for the encounter with Anderlecht on either Wednesday December 5 or Thursday December 6."


So a trip to the promised land for the Tottenham massive. Though I can already envisage our defenders wandering in the wilderness for a good 40 years before finding the stadium. The dizzy motherfuckers.

re: fixture list for 2008

5th opening day away game in 6 years. I want....no I demand for the Premier League to release the source code from the software they use to generate a full seasons worth of games. I'm willing to beat they ignore this plea, in the full knowledge that I know they know that I know that the code contains certain strings of commands that contain formulas allowing for comfortable home games for Arsenal and persistent 'tricky' away games for Spurs. David Dein's ghost continues to haunt us.

This battle is not worth the hassle. It's like fighting fire with a daffodil.

Sunderland Away

The fixture list is out. Yes, Arsenal are at home to a weak side while we get Sunderland away. Oh the joy of broken bones and the Mackem Roar. I'm certain we will be kicked all over the place, with Roy Keane desperate to display his team will be no push-overs like their last humiliating Premiership stay. Regardless, I expect nothing less than a 3-0 away victory and three points.

What I do not want to be hearing at 4:45pm:

• No, I think Sunderland is a good team and they have a good manager. Roy Keane. A warrior. They made it difficult for us.

• We didn't start too well. I think we played better second half but we left it a little late. It's disappointing

• One or two players struggled today. Sunderland are a very physical team and they made it tricky for us.

Who am I kidding? Of course we're gonna lose. Its bound to be moved so that Sky Sports can show it. The conspiracy continues.....