FAO Edward

The following article is currently sitting somewhere within the endless linkage of NewsNow.

I Have An Irrational Disgust For Tottenham
Posted on Monday, July 30th, 2007


Edward supports Everton. Edward does not support Arsenal. Edward doesn’t even support West Ham. Yet Edward doesn’t like Tottenham.

I have an irrational disgust for Tottenham Hotspur, bolstered by the fact that everyone from Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho to my obese cousin are tipping them to “break into” the Top 4. Nick Hornby describes them as having a “smug air of ersatz sophistication” and this sums up my feelings on the matter perfectly. The funny thing is, I am an Evertonian. My opprobrium towards these masters of style over substance is purely because of a cold calculating hatred, not due to bitter Arsenal or West Ham football rivalries. Going to “The Lane” is probably similar to becoming a scientologist. Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be the perfect Spurs fans, and Glenn Hoddle isnt too dissimilar to L. Ron Hubbard.

Scientologists believe that 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler, named Xenu, solved overpopulation by bringing trillions of people to Earth in DC-8 space planes, stacking them around volcanoes and nuking them. Then the souls of these dead space aliens were captured and boxed up and taken to cinemas where they were shown films of what life should be like, false ideas containing God, the devil and Christ.

If all this sounds like nonsense, try talking to Spurs fans, they believe their own footballing version of this: that they should be the rightful leaders of the premiership. Transmitting their superior style of play to the infidels, and restoring their “glory Years”. Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up, over marketed , sky tv football-watching, habitual masturbating football fans; it is a perfect marriage. Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football, for fake plastic Spurs fans, this is their utopia.

One Spurs fan I know told me at the beginning of last season that Spurs were “going to do an Everton” (qualify for the champs league on a shoestring budget) — In fact they did nearly the opposite — they nearly qualified on a budget that would sustain Everton for about a century.

Spurs are the doilies of football, or more precisely a pink and green polka dotted 1970’s bungalow strewn with a cornucopia of doilies; in crochet, beaded and lace. They are needless and grotesque to all but a deluded few.

Hmmm. Ok. Lets break this mother down.

Edward supports Everton.

Really? I doubt it. If he really supported Everton he'd spend most of his time slagging Liverpool off. Fraud alarm already going off on this one.

I have an irrational disgust for Tottenham Hotspur, bolstered by the fact that everyone from Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho to my obese cousin are tipping them to “break into” the Top 4. Nick Hornby describes them as having a “smug air of ersatz sophistication” and this sums up my feelings on the matter perfectly. The funny thing is, I am an Evertonian. My opprobrium towards these masters of style over substance is purely because of a cold calculating hatred, not due to bitter Arsenal or West Ham football rivalries. Going to “The Lane” is probably similar to becoming a scientologist. Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be the perfect Spurs fans, and Glenn Hoddle isnt too dissimilar to L. Ron Hubbard.

I'm lost. You cant be this bitter for being dicked out of 5th spot by us?

Its all media bravado anyway. Jose knows Spurs cant break into the Top 4 yet (most Spurs fans know this too looking at the current state of our unbalanced midfield). But out of the rest of the pack, we are the only club someone like Jose could pick out to pin the 'beware of the pretenders' tag on.

"smug air of ersatz sophistication” - Nice. Quote a gooner because that's really going to help you with your argument using the biased views of the Enemy. Spurs, under Jol, are at least attempting to fanthom some kind of playing style that most can appreciate as entertaining and productive, unlike Evertons uber-bland black and white tv bore tactics that postively make neutrals bleed blood and piss from their eyes as AJ falls over (again) to claim a wonderous penalty.

Jealous perhaps?

Scientologists believe that 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler, named Xenu, solved overpopulation by bringing trillions of people to Earth in DC-8 space planes, stacking them around volcanoes and nuking them. Then the souls of these dead space aliens were captured and boxed up and taken to cinemas where they were shown films of what life should be like, false ideas containing God, the devil and Christ.

If all this sounds like nonsense, try talking to Spurs fans, they believe their own footballing version of this: that they should be the rightful leaders of the premiership. Transmitting their superior style of play to the infidels, and restoring their “glory Years”. Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up, over marketed , sky tv football-watching, habitual masturbating football fans; it is a perfect marriage. Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football, for fake plastic Spurs fans, this is their utopia.

I quite like the Scientology angle on this. Quite funny, but poorly executed. See, it was 74 million years ago Spurs won the Double, not 75. Check your history books idiot.

Rightful leaders? You've lost me on this. In 30 years time, you'll look back to the 80's (remember that patch when Liverpool failed to win a couple of titles?) and see that as your Glory Days and long for it to be repeated.

Of course our fans are going to look back at the 60's and 70's and 80's and a single season in the 90's and say 'Thats what we want!'. What else is on offer? Gross? Francis? Graham?

Maybe I need to dust off my collection of pre-historic VHS tapes. Spurs have always sought to play a certain way with a certain swagger (damn it, I'm being superior, aint I?). Tottenham are a footballing side, historically. Much like West Ham United are. Manchester United too. Nothing wrong with attempting to continue tradition. Its an identity, right?

And bully for you if Spurs fans expect more from their team that has practically prick-teased us for 40 odd years.

As for your 'Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up' comment, stop embarrasing yourself. Fake and plastic? Tune into Sky Sports yourself, where you will find much masturbating in the direction of Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. Honestly chief, you don't have a fucking clue, do you?

'Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football' - You sound like a miserable twat to be quite honest, Eddie. I bet when you sit yourself down in your bedroom to watch some 1970's porn (those were the true Glory Days) you find yourself staring at the hairy chest of John Holmes rather than the female he is groin-dancing all over, wondering how he manages to trim his chest hair.

You are easily and unnecessarily distracted.

Everybody grumbles about the state of modern day football. We can't smoke, we can't swear, we can't stand. Maybe you should try going to some games outside of Stanley Park.

One Spurs fan I know told me at the beginning of last season that Spurs were “going to do an Everton” (qualify for the champs league on a shoestring budget) — In fact they did nearly the opposite — they nearly qualified on a budget that would sustain Everton for about a century.

Hold up. One Spurs fan? Fuck me, really? You mean a single individuals stated opinion proved ill-judged and thus ended with egg on his face, deeming it a sufficient enough example for you to wrap it round your cock and wave it about for everyone to see?

The Spurs fan in question probably meant that Spurs would claim CL in the same way Everton did so - i.e. 'surprising everyone'. And not in the context of 'Spurs will do what Everton did right down to the smallest detail'.

Maybe I should quote from the various e-mails and text messages I got a few seasons back, gloating about how Everton would do well in the Group stages. See, things don't always turn out the way you think, even if you spent time and effort shouting from the rooftops prior to it. But shouting from the rooftops is what we (football fans) are meant to do. Otherwise, what's the point. West Ham fans sing about being shit. They take anything, any inkling, any crumb of success (be it surviving relegation) and celebrate it like they've won the World Cup (something they did back in 1966). Are they too deluded for loving their club and showing unashamed passion? Of course they are. Football fans, melodramatic, what is the world coming too.

Spurs are the doilies of football, or more precisely a pink and green polka dotted 1970’s bungalow strewn with a cornucopia of doilies; in crochet, beaded and lace. They are needless and grotesque to all but a deluded few.

You play the Z Cars theme music over the tannoy for your players, when they run on the pitch, so stick that up your c*nt.

Spurs needless? I'll tell you what's needless and grotesque, David Moyes screaming from the touchline.